Art Museum
Black Woman…..Ellen Cleghorne
Lawyer…..Mike Myers
Housewife…..Susan Dey
Spoiled White Girl…..Beth Cahill
Black Boyfriend…..Tim Meadows
Art Critic…..Phil Hartman
Security Guard…..Chris Farley
Lunatic…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on interior Museum, Black Woman staring toward the camera at what is supposed to be a painting on the wall. Lawyer enters from back hall, and also stares forward at the painting. ]
Black Woman: You know, I may not be a major art critic or anything, but I rally like this painting. [ exits scene ]
Lawyer: [ looks at the painting more closely, as a Housewife enters the scene behind him ] Wow. You know, I may just be an arrogant, bandwagon-jumping, yuppie lawyer who knows nothing about art, but I fool myself into thinking people feel my opinion is important, so I’m compelled to give one. [ pause ] Crap!
Housewife: Now.. hold on a second.. I know I’m just a bored housewife who only came in here to buy a museum totebag so that people on my city bus will think I’m cultured.. but by initiating a conversation with me, you’ve given me the opportunity to run my big, fat yapper and annoy somebody besides my husband and children for a change. I thik it’s very good.
Lawyer: You remind me of my mother. I am leaving the museum. [ walks away ]
Housewife: Wait. I’ll go with you. [ follows him ]
Spoiled White Girl: [ enters scene with Black Boyfriend, stares at the painting ] Look at this one. You know, even though I’m in college majoring in Art History, I still know nothing about art, due mainly because I chose that major, not to learn, but rather to get revenge on my parents. In addition to my choice of major, I’m doing other things to upset and irritate them, such as: dating a black man, and shaving the side of my head. It reminds me of that dot-painting guy.
Art Critic: [ enters slowly from the side and stares at the painting between the couple ] I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying. I, like you, majored in Art History, but I enjoye it, or, at least, created the illusion I liked it because I had to. As a left-wing, PBS-watching, pottery-making gay activist, it was expected that I enjoy it along with foreign films and goatees. And now for my predictable, pretentious opinion on this painting: it’s revolting.
Black Boyfriend: Really? Well, before we get into a fight over this, I’m going to interrupt this conversation by dragging this spoiled white freak over to the Banana Republic to buy me some new clothes, and maybe a belt, so I can tie her up later and make her moo like a cow. [ they walk off ]
Security Guard: [ enters from the back, approaches Art Critic staring at the painting ] Fifteen minutes to closing! Fifteen minutes, and the gallery will be closed! [ looks at painting ] You know, even though I’ve worked here for eight years, I never really had the time to enjoy looking at the paintings. I guess I’m just too busy loafing around! [ laughs ] And dreaming about 5:00 PM, when I can punch the clock and haul my fat ass home to my place in Queens and watch “Growing Pains”. With a six-pack of Pabst’s Blue Ribbon and a box of Dunkin Donuts on my lap. I just wish I had the intellectual capacity to form an opinion on this painting. But.. tragically, any brain cells I might have had are long gone through years of neglect and decay. [ pause ] Fifteen minutes to closing. [ exits back the way he entered ] [ Art Critic continues to stare somewhat admiringly at the painting ]
Lunatic: [ enters from rear, looking around cautiously, stops in front of the painting ] You know, I don’t even know I’m in a museum right now. I don’t even know my name. I’m just excited I’m in a building that contains so many people. [ pulls down his pants ] Watch me pull down my pants and run past those kind folks praising over there, and scare them to death. Here goes nothing! [ runs back the way he entered ] Woo-hoo!! I’m naked, I’m naked!! Woo-hoo!!
[ Art Critic continues to stare at the painting, as the scene fades out ]