Mike Tyson Trial


Mike Tyson Trial

Prosecution…..Phil Hartman
Defense…..Mike Myers
Judge…..Susan Dey

[ open on Mike Tyson Trial at the Indianapolis Superior Court ]

Prosecution: Your Honor, I would like the medical report on abrasions admitted as evidence.

Defense: Your Honor, I object! This is not evidence in this case. Sexual relations were consensual, and any abrasions were simply the results of my client’s larger-than-average anatomy.

Prosecution: Your Honor, we’ve heard this ridiculous argument, and once again I must object to this line of defense. Mr. Tyson’s “larger-than-average anatomy”, this alleged “endowment”, is unfounded and unsubstantiated!

Judge: Counsel will aproach the bench. [ Prosecution and Defense step up to the bench ] I’m afriad I have to agree wih Prosecution here.

Defense: Your Honor, my client is prepared to support this argument.

Judge: Well, if Defense is ready to present such evidence, you may proceed. But, I caution you, it had better be relevant to this case.

Defense: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Tyson?

[ Mr. Tyson stands up, opens his jacket, and unzips his pants. With his back to the camera, we hear a loud thud, as his penis drops to the floor. The Judge is stunned by the enormous size. ]

Judge: I’ll allow it. [ sips water ]

Prosecution: Your Honor, again, I object to this line of defense. We all know that size does not matter, it simply doesn’t matter!

Judge: [ still looking at Tyson’s enormous penis ] The relevance of size has never been determined by a U.S. Court.. therefore.. we’ll allow it.

Prosecution: Your Honor, I request permission to address the impact of this new evidence with the jury.

Defense: Uh, we have no objection.

Judge: Very well. The evidence is admitted. The prosecution may address the jury.

Prosecution: [ stands before the jury, working his way through them to the right ] Ladies and gentlemen.. the judge has ordered you to consider this new.. “piece” of evidence. [ female juror sits wide-eyed, mouth agape ] How you consider it, will be up to you! [ male juror gives the “okay” sign to Tyson ] The Defense is asking you to characterize this evidence as exceptional! Larger-than-average!! But let me caution you: if we come to the concluson that size is somehow relevant, we are sending a powerful message into every home and locker room in America! [ black juror nods his head ] Let us take a moment to consider the evidence. Let’s ask ourselves: what is large? Who among us is qualified to determine what is large? [ female juror in the back raises her hand slowly ] In order to judge the evidence as larger-than-average, we must first determine what is average! Six inches? Five? Let’s say a man who is five-foot-ten-and-a-half and maybe.. perhaps just a smidgeon under five inches. And I’m talking about just the hair! Would that be considered average? [ female juror in front shakes her head no ] Well, certainly it would be considered adequate? [ two feamle jurors in the front look at one another, then simultaneously shake their heads no ] But is it not true, that it isn’t the size, it’s what you do with it? [ two female jurors again shake their heads no simultaneously ] All I’m saying, is size is not important! Believe me, I’ve heard this all my life! That size doesn’t really matter!! It’s irrelevant!!

Defense: Your Honor, I object!

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean! It’s a fact! We’ve all heard that!

Defense: Your Honor?

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: Alright, then I’ll rephrase it.. It doesn’t take a long hose to put out a fire!

Defense: I object.

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: Alright.. I’m only saying, it’s not the axe, it’s how you swing it!

Defense: Your Honor, please.

[ Judge starts banging her gavel ]

Announcer: Coming up on Court TV, testimony from John Gotti’s manicurist.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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