Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 12
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Crystal Blue Persuasion…..Ellen Cleghorne
Cajun Man…..Adam Sandler
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening Im Kevin Nealon and Im an admitted lazy and illiterate American worker.
Well in San Diego yesterday, President Bush said to best way to avoid medical bills is to stay healthy. He also added the best way to live long is not to die.
Jeffrey Dahmer, who was accused of luring victims to his home and drugging, killing and dismembering them, has changed his plea in court to guilty but insane. Ironically President Bush has changed his campaign slogan to guilty but insane after luring voters to the polls, misleading them, vomiting and killing the economy.
In a survey of a thousand Americans, 58% said they believe that President Bushs economic plan is a gimmick, 24% said they believe its a gizmo and 18% believe its just one of those doohickeys.
Well Boris Yeltzin visited the US, Canada and Britain this week. Russia claims it wasnt an official or planned visit but merely Boris wondering around in a drunken stuper.
It was learned this week that 62 year old PLO leader Yassir Arafar has finally stelled down and married his 28 year old secretary. Sorry ladies.
On a scale of one to ten, Gennifer Flowers gave presidential hopeful Bill Clinton a 9 as a lover. She said it would have been a ten but he had no healthcare plan.
Well the New Hampshire primary is heating up and like most Americans, I dont make my final choice of who Ill vote for until the evening gown and swimsuit part of the competition.
Britains Queen Elizabeth II celebrated forty years on the throne this week. She might want to try some laxatives.
Well this week the Haitian boat people were ordered back to Haiti from the Guatanamo Bay refugee camp in Cuba. Just returned from Port of Prince, Haiti is our star Carribean reporter Crystal Blue Persuasion. How are things in Haiti?
Crystal Blue Persuasion: Things are terrible Kevin. You see, I dont know how we could have let them people go back to that God for saken country. I have seen more concern for holes in the ozone and for Wheres Waldo than human beings. But you know I told them Haitians nobody cares about you because #1, you speak French, OK? We hate the French in America you know? Theyre snotty and they dont wash and their language- it dont make sense you know? It dont spell the way it sounds. Oui, oui, o-u-I- we. O-u-I spells o-yoo-ee. What, theyve never heads of phonics? And #2 nobody cares because you dont have any famous movie star spokesperson. Them crippled children, they have Jerry Lewis. Stray animals have Betty White and you know why them Cubans are here in this country right now. 2 words- Ricky Ricardo. Trust me now, if Jacques Cousteau was Haitian, them refugees would be in New York right now. See Im Jamaican, why do you think Im here huh? Why do you think 1.5 million Jamaicans are here right now? Because we give you so much, we give you Jamaican beef patties, we give you reggae, we give you the whole Marley family. Bob Marley, Lisa, Ziggy, and 2 words- Harry Belafonte. I rest my case.
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Crystal Blue Persuasion.
Well hundreds of spectators watched on Groundhogs day Sunday as Punxatawney Phil came out of his hole, saw his shadow and was shot dead by Pat Buchanan, indicating no more weeks of winter, spring, summer or fall for the groundhog.
You know theres been a lot of people throughout history whove eventually died
There are at least 6 criminal cases being tried in US courts this week. Noriega, Dr. Kavorkian, Jeffrey Dahmer, the LAPD and John Gatti. Fortunately, all the verdicts are in and here they are in no particular order. Guilty, not guilty, not guilty, not guilty, guilty, guilty but insane tough one Mike.
Well one of the witnesses at the Mike Tyson trial said that when Tyson came on to her, she got rid of him by simply giving him the phone number for the weather. Testifying next week that Tyson also harassed her will be the weather lady.
Larry Holmes defeated Ray Mercer in a 12 round fight last night. The win will now fit Holmes against George Forman in whats being termed the Angina in Carolina.
You know, there are a lot of people out there
Well it seems the JFK controversy just wont die. New evidence backing the lone gunmans single bullet theory was uncovered today. The Warrant commission concluded that a single bullet entered Kennedys shoulder, made a quick left and then a quick right, out of his throat into the armpit of governor Conley, even through Conleys wrist and then into his, his, his uh knee right here. The bullet then lodged onto a nearby freight train, traveling to a Dallas airport, onto a plane over to Italy, hanging out there for a few years and then continuing its path into the body of Pope John Paul II. After disappearing for some time it suddenly showed up in Albradril, France today where it will compete in the mens downhill slalom. Its not known if the bullet will be representing Cuba, the Mafia or the CIA.
This year the International Olympic Committee announced there would be stricter rules and regulations at the 16th Olympic games. During the opening ceremonies, 6 musicians were promptly hung after hitting 2 wrong notes.
Every year thousands of people from all over the world have flocked to New Orleans for Mardi Gra. Here to fill us in on what to expect from his years Mardi Gra is Weekend Updates Cajun Man.
Cajun Man: Keeeeeh-von.
Kevin Nealon: Now I bet at the Mardi Gray theres a lot of Cajun food huh?
Cajun Man: Onion.
Kevin Nealon: Hm, that sounds good. Now what is the Mardi Gra all about?
Cajun Man: Celebration.
Kevin Nealon: Folks get pretty happy down there dont they?
Cajun Man: Intoxication.
Kevin Nealon: Theres so many people down there I heard too. Bet it must be hard to find a hotel isnt it?
Cajun Man: Make reservation.
Kevin Nealon: Good idea. Any hotel rooms you might recoomend?
Cajun Man: The Hilton.
Kevin Nealon: They have good entertainment down there?
Cajun Man: Magician.
Kevin Nealon: Great. I guess youll be drinkin a few beers yourself down there wont ya?
Cajun Man: Rehabilitation.
Kevin Nealon: You were just havin a beer back stage.
Cajun Man: Fell off the wagon.
Kevin Nealon: Well we all have our weaknesses I guess.
Cajun Man: Only human.
Kevin Nealon: Uh, maybe we should just change the subject.
Cajun Man: Lets move on.
Kevin Nealon: Sorry. Anyways uh, they got those wild parades down there, I bet you could meet some pretty beautiful women huh?
Cajun Man: On occasion.
Kevin Nealon: Well I understand that you were hangin out with a pretty exotic dancer last year, what happened there?
Cajun Man: Infection.
Kevin Nealon: Thats tough. You took care of that?
Cajun Man: Uh yea, penicillin.
Kevin Nealon: Well I hope this year youre gonna make sure to uh
Cajun Man: Use a Trojan.
Kevin Nealon: Well Im just glad that you learned a valuable lesson Cajun Man.
Cajun Man: Me too, Nealon.
Kevin Nealon: Thanks Cajun Man. By the way, if Im ever down there, whats your room number at the Hilton?
Cajun Man: 7-11.
Kevin Nealon: Guess I should have known that.
Cajun Man: Yep, dumb question.
Kevin Nealon: Cajun Man everyone!
Cajun Man: Kevin Nealon! [gives thumbs up]
Rumors of a mutually beneficial agreement between the US and Japan surfaced this week. According to the reports, the plan suggests that we will agree to stop building cars if the Japanese agree to stop driving them. And Mattel now reports that the most popular toy in America is the Pinata in the shape of Japan.
As a gesture of good will, France is sending New York City 6 public pay toilets. The toilets will replace the Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your gotta go masses.
On the medical front, the FDA continues to sanction the use of scalene breast implants for women, saying the scalene implants are not only safe but if your husband or boyfriends gets a sore throat, he can gargle your breasts.
You know in a closing Id like to add a brief footnote about all the Japan bashing across the country. [Mr. Subliminal- commentary appears across screen]
As an American, I think this behavior is an outright shame- fashion- and to be honest with you, I dont want to be involved in any way- ring leader. Now when Japans Prime Minister said Americans lack work ethic and were lazy- cheap shot- all he meant was we should learn to work properly from Monday to Friday- too long. I say lets stop being so insensitive to the Japanese- bastards. Lets face it, our failing economy is not their fault- George Bush. I dont know, maybe we could learn something from the Japanese- sneak attack. Im speaking from my heart. I mean actually theyre very diligent workers- anal retentive- and that I think should count at least for something- buy American. Im Kevin Nealon- big star- and thats news to me.Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon and thats news to me.
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg