The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo


The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo

Johnny Hildo…..Jason Priestly
Seventh Grader…..Mike Myers
Kristen…..Siobhan Fallon
Mr. Wilson…..Phil Hartman
Coed…..Melanie Hutsell
Black Male Student…..Chris Rock
Black Female Student…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Guard…..Chris Farley
Cellmate…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: And now, “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part One: The Seventh Grade.

Johnny Hildo: Hi, guys!

Seventh Grader: Hey, Dildo!

Johnny Hildo: Uh.. that’s “Hildo”.. with an H.

Seventh Grader: Uh, yeah.. whatever.. Dildo!

[ they all laugh at him ]

Announcer: We continue with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The Twelfth Grade.

Johnny Hildo: Hi, Kristen! Uh.. will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me?

Kristen: Oh.. I already have a date, Dildo.

Johnny Hildo: [ pause ] Okay, I understand. Uh.. by the way.. that’s “Hildo” – H-I-L-D-O. Hildo.

Kristen: Oh. Okay. Thanks, anyway, Dildo! [ runs off ]

Announcer: We continue now, with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The College Years.

Johnny Hildo: Uh, Mr. Wilson.. I was wondering if I could talk with you about the Sociology exam.

Mr. Wilson: Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo.

Johnny Hildo: Yeah.. listen.. that’s “Hildo”, with a “Ha”, not a “Da”, okay?

Mr. Wilson: It sounds good, Dildo. But you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got a class to teach. [ enters classroom ]

Coed: [ passing through hall ] Hey, Dildo!

Black Male Student: [ passing through hall ] What’s up, Dildo!

Black Female Student: [ passing through hall ] How you doing, Dildo!

Richmeister: [ passing through hall ] Dil-do-o-o-o-o!!

Johnny Hildo: My name is Hildo, alright! Hildo, dammit! Hildo-o-o-o-o!!

[ cut to newspaper headline: “Crazed Dildo Kills Seven” ] [ cut to jail cell, Johnny Hildo being placed inside ]

Guard: Well, here’s your new home, Dildo. Hope you like it. Hey, here’s your new roommate.

Cellmate: What’re you in for, Hildo?

Johnny Hildo: [ stunned ] Did you just call me “Hildo”?

Cellmate: Yeah. That’s your name, isn’t it?

Johnny Hildo: Yeah! But, my whole life..

Cellmate: Allow me to introduce myself.. [ extends hand ] ..I’m Larry. Larry Bagina.

Announcer: This has been “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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