The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo
Johnny Hildo…..Jason Priestly
Seventh Grader…..Mike Myers
Mr. Wilson…..Phil Hartman
Black Male Student…..Chris Rock
Black Female Student…..Ellen Cleghorne
Announcer: And now, “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part One: The Seventh Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, guys!
Seventh Grader: Hey, Dildo!
Johnny Hildo: Uh.. that’s “Hildo”.. with an H.
Seventh Grader: Uh, yeah.. whatever.. Dildo!
[ they all laugh at him ]
Announcer: We continue with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The Twelfth Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, Kristen! Uh.. will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me?
Kristen: Oh.. I already have a date, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: [ pause ] Okay, I understand. Uh.. by the way.. that’s “Hildo” – H-I-L-D-O. Hildo.
Kristen: Oh. Okay. Thanks, anyway, Dildo! [ runs off ]
Announcer: We continue now, with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The College Years.
Johnny Hildo: Uh, Mr. Wilson.. I was wondering if I could talk with you about the Sociology exam.
Mr. Wilson: Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: Yeah.. listen.. that’s “Hildo”, with a “Ha”, not a “Da”, okay?
Mr. Wilson: It sounds good, Dildo. But you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got a class to teach. [ enters classroom ]
Coed: [ passing through hall ] Hey, Dildo!
Black Male Student: [ passing through hall ] What’s up, Dildo!
Black Female Student: [ passing through hall ] How you doing, Dildo!
Richmeister: [ passing through hall ] Dil-do-o-o-o-o!!
Johnny Hildo: My name is Hildo, alright! Hildo, dammit! Hildo-o-o-o-o!!
[ cut to newspaper headline: “Crazed Dildo Kills Seven” ]
[ cut to jail cell, Johnny Hildo being placed inside ]
Guard: Well, here’s your new home, Dildo. Hope you like it. Hey, here’s your new roommate.
Cellmate: What’re you in for, Hildo?
Johnny Hildo: [ stunned ] Did you just call me “Hildo”?
Cellmate: Yeah. That’s your name, isn’t it?
Johnny Hildo: Yeah! But, my whole life..
Cellmate: Allow me to introduce myself.. [ extends hand ] ..I’m Larry. Larry Bagina.
Announcer: This has been “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”.