Coffee Talk
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Liz…..Madonna
Liz’a Mother…..Roseanne Arnold
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..Adam Sandler
Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my daughter, Robin – “Happy Birthday, Bubala.” Now, this show used to be hosted by my friend Paul Baldwin, but he developed shpilkes in his geneckte gezeugte. For now, he’s in Boca Raton, Florida, recovering, thank you very much. This is my best friend, Liz Rosenberg.
[ camera pans to Liz ]
Liz: Linda, don’t talk to me, I’m having a bad hair day. By the way, this is my mother.. [ camera pans to Liz’s Mother ] ..she’s visiting from Scottsdale.
Liz’s Mother: I live in Scottsdale for my health. I have troublewith my, uh.. woman’s problem, and I’m gassy. But don’t worry, I promise I won’t say anything, I’ll sit here in the dark like a dog!
Liz: Mommala, no one wants to hear how gassy you are! [ to Linda ] You don’t know the sirus I’ve had with woman! Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect a call from me anytime!
Linda Richman: Okay. Now, this show is dedicated, as ever, toBarbra Joan Streisand. Yes. We love her. And, of course, the big news – “Prince of Tides”. 7 Oscar nominations total, including Best Picture. But Barbra did not get a nomination for Best Director.
Liz: Long story short – I love “Prince of Tides”. It wasto die for! And to think a poor little mescite from Brooklyn made this masterpiece, and she’s not getting any recognition for it.. [ near tears ] I’m sorry, but I get a little choked up!
Linda Richman: Please! Do not get me started. It’s so unfair!Now I’m getting emotional, I’m a little verklempt!
Liz: You’re verklempt? I’m verklempt!
Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves! [ pause ]There. It passed.
Liz’s Mother: You know, I once knew this guy who had a gall bladder thing.. he passed out, and it exploded! It happened, you know?
Liz: Mommala, shh!
Liz’s Mother: Fine! I’ll sit over in the corner and eat wetcigarette butts.
Liz: Mommala, please stop complaining! [ to Linda ] Can youbelieve this woman! I know she’s my mother, I shouldn’t say this.. but I’m going to her condo now, and it’s starting to smell from old lady!
Linda Richman: Okay, let’s take a call. The number is 555-4444.Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Call! We’ll talk, no big whoop!
Caller #1: Hello, Linda? Did you see Barbra on “Larry King Live”?
Linda Richman: Yes, I did. A full hour of Barbra, it was likeheroin! Not that I know what it’s like, it’s what I understand it’slike on “20/20”.
Liz: Yes! Barbra was so beautiful in the movie. Did you see her nails? They were like butter!
Linda Richman: Butter! Like butter! Those legs in those sparkling stockings – again, butter! Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.
Caller #2: Hello, Linda? I just wanted to say I love your show!
Linda Richman: Thank you very much. You’re a beatiful person.Don’t go changing just to please me, I’ll tumble for you. Go on.
Liz: So funny, you are!
Linda Richman: Did you see Barbra on “60 Minutes”?
Linda Richman: Yes, I did. Ugh! That Mike Wallace was not verynice to her.
Liz: What he did to her, I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy’s dog – poof, poof!
Liz’s Mother: Well, what about what you do to me, telling me toshut up all the time? You’re just like your father – he tells me to shut up all the time, and then.. then he runs away with some young magician’s assistant!
Liz: He ran away because you wouldn’t stop talking already!
Liz’s Mother: P.S. That’s what Hitler said to me and our peopleduring the two wars!
Liz: P.S., Mommala, you lived in Miami during the two wars! You’re driving everyone crazy! You drove your husband crazy, and now you’re driving me crazy!
Liz’s Mother: [ crying ] You’re right.. it was all me!
Liz: Oh, I forgive you, Mommala! I love you, Mommala!
Liz’s Mother: I love you!
[ they hug ]
Linda Richman: This is so “Prince of Tides”! The scene where Nick Nolte reconciles with Kate Nelligan – now I’m getting verklempt!
Liz: We’re all verklempt!
Linda Richman: I’m sorry. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basillica. Discuss. [ pause ] Okay. There. I feel better.
Liz: Me, too. Thanks, God, for waterproof Lancomb.
Liz’s Mother: Hey! I want to take a call! Welcome to “CoffeeTalk”, who’s this? Hello? Hello, talk.
Caller #3: Hello, Linda? I think Barbra should do a duet withMadonna.
Liz: Ech! I don’t like that Madonna – she’s a kulver! She’s a tramp! Every week with a different boyfriend! And this week, in the paper with no clothes on – ech! Who needs her?
Linda Richman: Still, that’s some body she has. You should have that body. Did you see her legs? They’re like butter! Like two sticks of butter lashed together in a roughhewn manner.
Liz: Kulver!
Liz’s Mother: [ coughs up hairball ] So new, I hear Madonna’s aMexican, but she doesn’t want anyone to know about it, I read it in theStar!
Liz: Please, don’t listen to my mother. I love her, but she’s alittle ibaboodle in the capi..
Linda Richman: Relax. Relax, darlin, we’re all mishputka. Alright. Well, that’s all the time we have this week. My name is Linda Richman.
Liz: And my name is Liz – of course, this is my mother. Barbra,we love you – hello, gorgeous! The movie was like butter!
Linda Richman: Like butter.
Liz’s Mother: Like a big stick of butter!
Liz: Mommala! Oy!
[ Barbra Streisand sneaks unsuspectingly onto the set ]
Barbra Streisand: All this talk about food, I’m getting hungry,girls!
[ Linda, Liz, and Liz’s Mother scream in bewildered surprise ]
Linda Richman: Oh, my God! It’s Barbra! It’s Barbra! You’re beatiful! It’s Barbra! Oh! I can die now! Barbra, you’re beautiful! That’s all the time we have, I have to go and die now! Barbra!
[ fade out ]
