Roseanne & Tom Arnold’s Monologue
Roseanne Arnold: It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but this time it’s better, because my husband Tom’s co-hosting!
Tom Arnold: Thank you, folks, thank you! You know, there’s probably a lot of people thinking, Oh, great.. Rosie dragged her husband Tom on yet another show.” But that’s not true – I forced her to bring me on another show! Alright! But you gotta admit one thing, folks – I’m a lot cooler than her ex-husband! I mean, that guy was a jerk.
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. Okay, he’s suing me for custody of the kids, you know? So now, I have to go to court and fight him and everything.. ’cause my lawyer says it would look real bad if I don’t. So, what are we gonna talk about on this show?
Tom Arnold: Well, honey, I think we should probably reveal something about ourselves that peole do not know.
Roseanne Arnold: Well.. well, we can’t talk about all the diets we went on.
Tom Arnold: Yeah. Because we did that on “Oprah”.
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. And, besides, we’re already gaining all that weight back.
Tom Arnold: Yeah. So did Oprah, though! So.. You know, we could talk about the big house we’re building in Iowa, with the olympic-sized pool and the bowling alley, and..
Roseanne Arnold: No, we already talked about that on “Larry King Live”.
Tom Arnold: I thought that was “Arsenio” we talked about that..?
Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Arsenio”, we talked about our kids being in a mental hospital.
Tom Arnold: No, no.. that was on “Sonya Live”.
Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Sonya Live” was when you talked about throwing my ex-husband over the hood of his car.
Tom Arnold: Oh, yeah! [ laughs ] That was funny! He’s suing us now, right?
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah.
Tom Arnold: Yeah.. Hey, let’s talk about me selling stories to the Enquiere for drug money!
Roseanne Arnold: No.. we already ralked about that on “Good Morning, America”.
Tom Arnold: Yeah..
Roseanne Arnold: Hey, I’ve got one! How about that time we hired those hoodlums to beat up them photographers!
Tom Arnold: No, no.. we went over that on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”.
Roseanne Arnold: [ pause to think ] We went on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”?
Tom Arnold: Yeah! You remember that night we had nothing to do, and we were like driving around, and we saw a light on at this little tiny TV studio?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. Hey, you know, maybe our therapist is right – she said we don’t need to expose anything about ourselves, and people will still like us!
Tom Arnold: [ thinking ] Ah.. we’d better, we’d better make something up! [ thinks ] I’m gay!
Roseanne Arnold: No, you’re not!
Tom Arnold: Yeah.. you remember we went on “Geraldo”, and I talked about it?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. oh, I’m gay, too! Well, we’ve got a really great show..
Tom Arnold: Yes, a great show! We’ve got the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
Roseanne Arnold: And we’ll be right baaaaaaaaccckkkk!!