Roseanne & Tom Arnold’s Monologue


Roseanne & Tom Arnold’s Monologue

…..Roseanne Arnold
…..Tom Arnold

Roseanne Arnold: It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but this time it’s better, because my husband Tom’s co-hosting!

Tom Arnold: Thank you, folks, thank you! You know, there’s probably a lot of people thinking, Oh, great.. Rosie dragged her husband Tom on yet another show.” But that’s not true – I forced her to bring me on another show! Alright! But you gotta admit one thing, folks – I’m a lot cooler than her ex-husband! I mean, that guy was a jerk.

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. Okay, he’s suing me for custody of the kids, you know? So now, I have to go to court and fight him and everything.. ’cause my lawyer says it would look real bad if I don’t. So, what are we gonna talk about on this show?

Tom Arnold: Well, honey, I think we should probably reveal something about ourselves that peole do not know.

Roseanne Arnold: Well.. well, we can’t talk about all the diets we went on.

Tom Arnold: Yeah. Because we did that on “Oprah”.

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah. And, besides, we’re already gaining all that weight back.

Tom Arnold: Yeah. So did Oprah, though! So.. You know, we could talk about the big house we’re building in Iowa, with the olympic-sized pool and the bowling alley, and..

Roseanne Arnold: No, we already talked about that on “Larry King Live”.

Tom Arnold: I thought that was “Arsenio” we talked about that..?

Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Arsenio”, we talked about our kids being in a mental hospital.

Tom Arnold: No, no.. that was on “Sonya Live”.

Roseanne Arnold: No, on “Sonya Live” was when you talked about throwing my ex-husband over the hood of his car.

Tom Arnold: Oh, yeah! [ laughs ] That was funny! He’s suing us now, right?

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah.

Tom Arnold: Yeah.. Hey, let’s talk about me selling stories to the Enquiere for drug money!

Roseanne Arnold: No.. we already ralked about that on “Good Morning, America”.

Tom Arnold: Yeah..

Roseanne Arnold: Hey, I’ve got one! How about that time we hired those hoodlums to beat up them photographers!

Tom Arnold: No, no.. we went over that on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”.

Roseanne Arnold: [ pause to think ] We went on the “Paul Rodriguez Show”?

Tom Arnold: Yeah! You remember that night we had nothing to do, and we were like driving around, and we saw a light on at this little tiny TV studio?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. Hey, you know, maybe our therapist is right – she said we don’t need to expose anything about ourselves, and people will still like us!

Tom Arnold: [ thinking ] Ah.. we’d better, we’d better make something up! [ thinks ] I’m gay!

Roseanne Arnold: No, you’re not!

Tom Arnold: Yeah.. you remember we went on “Geraldo”, and I talked about it?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, yeah.. oh, I’m gay, too! Well, we’ve got a really great show..

Tom Arnold: Yes, a great show! We’ve got the Red Hot Chili Peppers!

Roseanne Arnold: And we’ll be right baaaaaaaaccckkkk!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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