Dick Clark’s Receptionist
Michael Tassoni…..Kevin Nealon
Elderly Woman…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on the Reception Area of Dick Clark Studios, his Receptionist sitting behind a desk reading a book and paying attention mainly to himself ]
Michael Tassoni: [ enters ] Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.
Receptionist: Okay, and you are..?
Michael Tassoni: Michael Tassoni.
Receptionist: And this is regarding..?
Michael Tassoni: Mr. Clark is buying a few custom made suits from our company, and he asked me if I would stop by today and take his measurements.
Receptionist: Right.. so you don’t have an appointment.
Michael Tassoni: Well.. no, not really.. I mean he..
Receptionist: Okay.. if you could just have a seat.
Michael Tassoni: But..
Receptionist: [ whispering ] Thanks.[ Roseanne Arnold enters, and attempts to walk past the Receptionist into Dick Clark’s office ]
Receptionist: Uh, uh, hi! Hello!
Roseanne Arnold: Oh, hi. I’m here to see Dick.
Receptionist: And you are..?
Roseanne Arnold: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?
Receptionist: No, ma’am.
Roseanne Arnold: Roseanne.. Arnold. Ring a bell?
Receptionist: [ not ringing his bell ] And he would know you from..?
Roseanne Arnold: Maybe from my own show that happens to be Number One in the Nielsens.
Receptionist: Right.. and is that some sort of contest or something? I don’t..
Roseanne Arnold: Are you seriously this stupid? I have myown TV show – like Bill Cosby.
Receptionist: Right.. and he is..?
Roseanne Arnold: A TV star, like me!
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah, you know, TV, where an electron gun sends eletron particles out of a cathode-ray tube and they travel over the airwaves to a satellite, then back down to earth in a rectangular box that unscrambles them so people can stare at them?
Receptionist: I’m no stranger to sarcasm.
Roseanne Arnold: Listen, peewee, forty million people see me every Tuesday night.
Receptionist: I only watch PBS. Please forgive me. I’m sure you’re very famous, and if you could just have a seat, it won’t be long.
Roseanne Arnold: Don’t talk down to me, you little tick, or I’ll throw you back on the mangy dog’s ass you jumped off of!
Receptionist: Using that tone won’t get you in any faster. I suggest you wait your turn. Now, do you need a parking validation, or..
Roseanne Arnold: NO! [ angrily plops down next to MichaelTassoni, and lights a cigarette ]
Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and not smoke? Thanks.
Roseanne Arnold: [ to Michael Tassoni ] This guy gets under my skin like a chigger.
Receptionist: Uh.. I heard that.
Roseanne Arnold: [ bitchy ] Good![ an Elderly Woman enters, stands very emotional, near tears, in front of the Receptionist’s desk ]
Elderly Woman: Excuse me.. this is very hard for me. I’m Dick Clark’s biological mother. I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old, and not a day goes by when it doesn’t tear me apart inside, not knowing if I made the right decision. I know he’s spent years looking for me, and I’m finally ready to see him. I have an aching void inside me, and seeing his face is the only thing that could..
Receptionist: I’m sorry, I was on the phone, did you have a question?
Elderly Woman: No, I’m sorry.. this was a bad idea..
Receptionist: No, no. You can stay. But can I ask you a favor?Would you be a dove and wait over there for him? [ waves his hands toward the others ] We like to keep this area clear. Thanks.[ Elderly Woman sits down near the others ]
Roseanne Arnold: [ struts over to the Receptionist’s desk ] By the way, I just made your whole year’s salary while I was sitting here. Just thought I’d let you know that. [ returns to her seat ] [ a cloud of smoke appears suddenly – the Son of Man steps out ]
Jesus: Hello, my son.
Receptionist: Hi. And you are..?
Jesus: I am the Lord. I’m here to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls to tell the world I have come back as I promised.
Receptionist: Now.. did you have an appointment, or..?
Jesus: My son, don’t you recognize Me from the Bible?
Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. If you could just have a seat.
Jesus: [ stern ] Listen. Friend..
Receptionist: I know. If you could just have a seat. Thanks.[ relunctant, Jesus impishly sits down next to the others ]
Roseanne Arnold: [ to Jesus ] Isn’t he the worst?
Jesus: He really is.
Michael Tassoni: Can’t you do something?
Jesus: I will. In a minute.
Receptionist: Threatening me with eternal damnation won’t get you in any faster. [ phone rings ] Dick Clark Productions! And you are..?[ zoom out to black ]