Dick Clark’s Receptionist


Dick Clark’s Receptionist

Michael Tassoni…..Kevin Nealon
Receptionist…..David Spade
…..Roseanne Arnold
Elderly Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[ open on the Reception Area of Dick Clark Studios, his Receptionist sitting behind a desk reading a book and paying attention mainly to himself ]

Michael Tassoni: [ enters ] Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: Okay, and you are..?

Michael Tassoni: Michael Tassoni.

Receptionist: And this is regarding..?

Michael Tassoni: Mr. Clark is buying a few custom made suits from our company, and he asked me if I would stop by today and take his measurements.

Receptionist: Right.. so you don’t have an appointment.

Michael Tassoni: Well.. no, not really.. I mean he..

Receptionist: Okay.. if you could just have a seat.

Michael Tassoni: But..

Receptionist: [ whispering ] Thanks.

[ Roseanne Arnold enters, and attempts to walk past the Receptionist into Dick Clark’s office ]

Receptionist: Uh, uh, hi! Hello!

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, hi. I’m here to see Dick.

Receptionist: And you are..?

Roseanne Arnold: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?

Receptionist: No, ma’am.

Roseanne Arnold: Roseanne.. Arnold. Ring a bell?

Receptionist: [ not ringing his bell ] And he would know you from..?

Roseanne Arnold: Maybe from my own show that happens to be Number One in the Nielsens.

Receptionist: Right.. and is that some sort of contest or something? I don’t..

Roseanne Arnold: Are you seriously this stupid? I have myown TV show – like Bill Cosby.

Receptionist: Right.. and he is..?

Roseanne Arnold: A TV star, like me!

Receptionist: TV?

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah, you know, TV, where an electron gun sends eletron particles out of a cathode-ray tube and they travel over the airwaves to a satellite, then back down to earth in a rectangular box that unscrambles them so people can stare at them?

Receptionist: I’m no stranger to sarcasm.

Roseanne Arnold: Listen, peewee, forty million people see me every Tuesday night.

Receptionist: I only watch PBS. Please forgive me. I’m sure you’re very famous, and if you could just have a seat, it won’t be long.

Roseanne Arnold: Don’t talk down to me, you little tick, or I’ll throw you back on the mangy dog’s ass you jumped off of!

Receptionist: Using that tone won’t get you in any faster. I suggest you wait your turn. Now, do you need a parking validation, or..

Roseanne Arnold: NO! [ angrily plops down next to MichaelTassoni, and lights a cigarette ]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and not smoke? Thanks.

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Michael Tassoni ] This guy gets under my skin like a chigger.

Receptionist: Uh.. I heard that.

Roseanne Arnold: [ bitchy ] Good!

[ an Elderly Woman enters, stands very emotional, near tears, in front of the Receptionist’s desk ]

Elderly Woman: Excuse me.. this is very hard for me. I’m Dick Clark’s biological mother. I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old, and not a day goes by when it doesn’t tear me apart inside, not knowing if I made the right decision. I know he’s spent years looking for me, and I’m finally ready to see him. I have an aching void inside me, and seeing his face is the only thing that could..

Receptionist: I’m sorry, I was on the phone, did you have a question?

Elderly Woman: No, I’m sorry.. this was a bad idea..

Receptionist: No, no. You can stay. But can I ask you a favor?Would you be a dove and wait over there for him? [ waves his hands toward the others ] We like to keep this area clear. Thanks.

[ Elderly Woman sits down near the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ struts over to the Receptionist’s desk ] By the way, I just made your whole year’s salary while I was sitting here. Just thought I’d let you know that. [ returns to her seat ] [ a cloud of smoke appears suddenly – the Son of Man steps out ]

Jesus: Hello, my son.

Receptionist: Hi. And you are..?

Jesus: I am the Lord. I’m here to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls to tell the world I have come back as I promised.

Receptionist: Now.. did you have an appointment, or..?
Jesus: My son, don’t you recognize Me from the Bible?

Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. If you could just have a seat.

Jesus: [ stern ] Listen. Friend..

Receptionist: I know. If you could just have a seat. Thanks.

[ relunctant, Jesus impishly sits down next to the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Jesus ] Isn’t he the worst?

Jesus: He really is.

Michael Tassoni: Can’t you do something?

Jesus: I will. In a minute.

Receptionist: Threatening me with eternal damnation won’t get you in any faster. [ phone rings ] Dick Clark Productions! And you are..?

[ zoom out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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