My 75 Kids
Cecil Jacobson…..John Goodman
Oldest Son…..Chris Farley
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: “1976-1988. Dr. Cecil Jacobson runs a fertility clinic in Virgina, artificially inseminating unwitting patients with his own sperm.
March 4, 1992. Jacobson is convicted for having fathered as many as 75 children.
March 14, 1992, in a surprise move, the judge suspeds sentencing, and assigns Jacobson the responsibility of caring for the 75 unwanted children and starring with them in a popular situation comedy.”
Jingle: “Raising 75 kids isn’t easy
Takes a lot of patience, and a lot of love
All the sperm in the world couldn’t tear us apart
It takes more than sperm, it takes heart.
When you’re a sperm doctor
A sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”
[ SUPER: “Also Starring: Jamie Farr ]
[ Cecil Jacobson enters living room, where his 75 kids are spread throughout ]
Cecil Jacobson: Kids, I’m home!
75 Kids: Hi, Daaaaaaaddd!!
Young Son: [ ehimpering ] Hi, Dad..
[ all the other kids start crying, too ]
Cecil Jacobson: Whoa, settle down.. what’s wrong with you kids?
Oldest Son: Oh.. Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret and Steven had fights in school, with Jeff Mackenzie, Butch Pierce, Cheryl Hopp, Tommy Russell, Cohen Sisters, and Henry Kahn.
Cecil Jacobson: Oh, boy.. between Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Maragaret and Steven having fights, and Harold, Chris, Quon Le and Mitch not making the football team, I’ve got a full night’s work! [ laughs ] Well, that’s fatherhood. Now, what was your fight about, Margaret?
Margaret: Wendy Cohen came up to me and said that you’re weird, and that you should be taken out and shot.
Second Son: Yeah. And then they called you the Sperminator.
Cecil Jacobson: [ chuckles ] Well.. I’ll tell you something about Wendy Cohen – she’s my daughter, too! [ laughs ] Okay, who has a birthday today? [ three sons yell out, “Me!” “Me!” “Me!” ] Well, come here, you guys! [ chuckles ] Gosh, you’re all growing up.. Aw, look at you, David! Why, I remember the day you were conceived – I was in my office, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had just come out, and Elle MacPherson was on the cover. But I was in more of a Paulina mood that day..
Third Son: What about me, Dad?
Cecil Jacobson: Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.
Fourth Son: How about us?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, that’s an interesting story, uh.. you were a Sear’s catalogue. I had misplaced my Swimsuit Issue.
Fifth Son: How about me, Dad?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were a Sear’s catalogue, also. In fact, you two were out of the same vial!
Sixth Son: What about me?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were an accident, I was reading Newsweek. I’m still not sure what happened.
Oldest Son: That’s okay. We love you, Dad!
Cecil Jacobson: Aw, why you’re the best kids a fertility doctor could ever trick his patients into having!
Uncle Charlie: [ enters from kitchen ] Holy geez! What’s going on in here??
Cecil Jacobson: Well, what’s wrong, Uncle Charlie?
Uncle Charlie: Well, look at this carpet! I just vacuumed it! Geez, you 75 kids, with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson! Why couldn’t you keep your hands out of your pants!
Cecil Jacobson: Now, come on, Charlie! It’s perfectly natural.
Uncle Charlie: Don’t you “natural”, me! I like to spank it as much as the next guy, but I don’t go aiming into a test tube!
Jingle: “When you’re a sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”
[ fade ]