My 75 Kids


My 75 Kids

Cecil Jacobson…..John Goodman
Oldest Son…..Chris Farley
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: “1976-1988. Dr. Cecil Jacobson runs a fertility clinic in Virgina, artificially inseminating unwitting patients with his own sperm.
March 4, 1992. Jacobson is convicted for having fathered as many as 75 children.
March 14, 1992, in a surprise move, the judge suspeds sentencing, and assigns Jacobson the responsibility of caring for the 75 unwanted children and starring with them in a popular situation comedy.”

Jingle: “Raising 75 kids isn’t easy
Takes a lot of patience, and a lot of love
All the sperm in the world couldn’t tear us apart
It takes more than sperm, it takes heart.
When you’re a sperm doctor
A sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”

[ SUPER: “Also Starring: Jamie Farr ] [ Cecil Jacobson enters living room, where his 75 kids are spread throughout ]

Cecil Jacobson: Kids, I’m home!

75 Kids: Hi, Daaaaaaaddd!!

Young Son: [ ehimpering ] Hi, Dad..

[ all the other kids start crying, too ]

Cecil Jacobson: Whoa, settle down.. what’s wrong with you kids?

Oldest Son: Oh.. Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret and Steven had fights in school, with Jeff Mackenzie, Butch Pierce, Cheryl Hopp, Tommy Russell, Cohen Sisters, and Henry Kahn.

Cecil Jacobson: Oh, boy.. between Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Maragaret and Steven having fights, and Harold, Chris, Quon Le and Mitch not making the football team, I’ve got a full night’s work! [ laughs ] Well, that’s fatherhood. Now, what was your fight about, Margaret?

Margaret: Wendy Cohen came up to me and said that you’re weird, and that you should be taken out and shot.

Second Son: Yeah. And then they called you the Sperminator.

Cecil Jacobson: [ chuckles ] Well.. I’ll tell you something about Wendy Cohen – she’s my daughter, too! [ laughs ] Okay, who has a birthday today? [ three sons yell out, “Me!” “Me!” “Me!” ] Well, come here, you guys! [ chuckles ] Gosh, you’re all growing up.. Aw, look at you, David! Why, I remember the day you were conceived – I was in my office, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had just come out, and Elle MacPherson was on the cover. But I was in more of a Paulina mood that day..

Third Son: What about me, Dad?

Cecil Jacobson: Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.

Fourth Son: How about us?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, that’s an interesting story, uh.. you were a Sear’s catalogue. I had misplaced my Swimsuit Issue.

Fifth Son: How about me, Dad?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were a Sear’s catalogue, also. In fact, you two were out of the same vial!

Sixth Son: What about me?

Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were an accident, I was reading Newsweek. I’m still not sure what happened.

Oldest Son: That’s okay. We love you, Dad!

Cecil Jacobson: Aw, why you’re the best kids a fertility doctor could ever trick his patients into having!

Uncle Charlie: [ enters from kitchen ] Holy geez! What’s going on in here??

Cecil Jacobson: Well, what’s wrong, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie: Well, look at this carpet! I just vacuumed it! Geez, you 75 kids, with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson! Why couldn’t you keep your hands out of your pants!

Cecil Jacobson: Now, come on, Charlie! It’s perfectly natural.

Uncle Charlie: Don’t you “natural”, me! I like to spank it as much as the next guy, but I don’t go aiming into a test tube!

Jingle: “When you’re a sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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