Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 15
Star Trek Democrats
Jerry Brown…..Dana Carvey
Paul Tsongas…..Al Franken
Trekkie # 1…..Mike Myers
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Trekkie # 2…..Chris Farley
C-SPAN Announcer: Now, C-SPAN continues its coverage of the 1992presidential campaign with “Road to the White House.”[Video of the exterior of a Marriott hotel.]
C-SPAN Announcer: On Friday, former California Governor Jerry Brownspoke to the 17th Annual “Star Trek” Convention at the O’Hare MarriottHotel. Our C-SPAN camera — the only camera we have — was there, aswas our microphone.[Fade to Jerry Brown at the convention hall podium, addressing anaudience of very geeky “Star Trek” fans. He speaks with greatseriousness and intensity.]
Jerry Brown: Thank you. Thank you, Trekkers. Thank you very much.Now, I want to say that 23 years ago this fall, “Star Trek” wascanceled. And, and I think it’s a shame and a travesty that we don’thave a single prime-time science fiction show on our network scheduletoday. And in the Sixties, if you look at what we did out there inCalifornia, we had “Outer Limits,” we had “Twilight Zone,” “StarTrek,” as well as “Lost in Space,” and now all we have is “Star Trek:The Next Generation,” and that’s in syndication. Now, some people saythere’s not enough audience for science fiction on television, but ifyou go back and look at — and look at when “Star Trek” was canceled,it had a 21 percent share of the audience. Now today, that’s a hit.That’s a “Knots Landing” or a “Tequila and Bonetti.” Now, see, now,we have this giant, bloated Nielsen system in place, and it justperpetuates itself. Now, but under my plan — under my plan, what wehave is a mandatory 13 percent flat audience share, so that shows like”Doctor Who” or “Alien Nation” can stay on and have a chance todevelop, and you won’t have bankrupt programming, you know, like”Matlock” with Andy Griffith — and I’m sorry, but he hasn’t had a newidea in twenty years, and I’ll say it to Andy Griffith’s face. Imean, he may be an honorable man, but what he’s doing is just businessas usual, and I’d like to see “Matlock” off the air. So that we takethat “Matlock” money, right there, and you bring in your best people– Isaac Asimov, your Carl Sagan, some puppeteers — and you put morefantasy scripts in development, because I think R&D is a veryimportant part of getting science fiction shows on the air. And ifyou agree with me, call my 800 number [he holds up a placard with thenumber written on it] “1-800-NOT-FLAKY.”[Video of Marriott exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later that day, former Massachusetts Senator PaulTsongas addressed the same gathering.[Fade to Paul Tsongas at the podium. He speaks in a very croaky,high-pitched voice, and constantly gestures with his hands.]
Paul Tsongas: Okay. Okay, now, now, earlier — yeah, Jerry Browntalked, yeah, about “Star Trek,” okay? Y’know, and, and, he puthimself forward as, y’know, the “Star Trek” candidate, okay? [Pausesto cough] Okay, but I was, y’know, the first candidate to, uh, carryaround the “Star Trek” lunchbox, okay? [He holds up said lunchbox]Okay? Now, when Jerry Brown talks about “Star Trek,” okay, what heforgets is that I wrote a book, okay? A book. And it’s here. It’s abook. [He holds up the book] It’s here. It’s “The Insider’s Guide to’Star Trek,'” written by Paul Tsongas, okay, with introduction byDeForest Kelley, okay? So, y’know, read the book, okay, and youdecide, y’know, who is the candidate, y’know, who’s one of you? I sayit’s — I say it’s me. It’s me, okay? Okay. Are there any, um, anyquestions? You, sir, you have a question?[A Trekkie raises his hand and gets up. He has the same voice as Tsongas.]
Trekkie # 1: Yeah, I just want to say that you’re the first candidateI really feel I can trust, okay? It seems that all the othercandidates just want to be Santa Claus.
Paul Tsongas: I don’t — I don’t want to be Santa Claus.
Trekkie # 1: I know. I know. I know. I know.
Paul Tsongas: Bill Clinton wants to be Santa Claus. I don’t want tobe Santa Claus. Santa Claus was not a leader, okay? Captain Kirk wasa leader. I want to be Captain Kirk, okay?[The audience applauds. Fade back to Marriott exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton also spoke tothe “Star Trek” Convention.[Fade to Bill Clinton at the podium.]
Bill Clinton: Thank you. Now, I’m going to be honest with you. I’mnot going to stand up here and pretend that I know as much about “StarTrek” as Senator Tsongas or Governor Brown. I’ve always enjoyed theshow. But I admit that I didn’t get to see it as much as I would haveliked when it was first on. And I’ve been very candid about that. AsI’ve explained, “Star Trek” was on during a very difficult time in mymarriage. But since then, Hillary and I have worked things out andwe’ve managed to see most of the episodes in syndication, and I’vemade no secret about that. Yes, you have a question?[A Trekkie gets up, flashing the Vulcan hand salute.]
Trekkie # 2: Yes, Governor, what is your reaction to the news thatLeonard Nimoy has endorsed Senator Tsongas?
Bill Clinton: [surprised] What?
Trekkie # 2: Well, you know — the announcement that Leonard Nimoy isbacking Senator Tsongas.
Bill Clinton: [angered] Well, that is a new low in backstabbing!After all his talk about integrity — it’s just a cheap actor’s stunt!And he’s no better than Shatner! He’s no better than Shatner! [Hesmashes his fists on the podium, destroying it, and then beginskicking what’s left of it.] [Fade back to the White House exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: This concludes C-SPAN’s coverage of “Road to theWhite House.” Next on C-SPAN, live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight.
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