Colosseum Events Committee


Colosseum Events Committee

Events Coordinator #1…..Phil Hartman
Events Coordinator #2…..Kevin Nealon
Events Coordinator #3…..Mike Myers

Events Coordinator #1: What about.. a guy on fire, versus a guy with a bucket of water?

Events Coordinator #2: [ thinking ] Well, I can see why the guy on fire would want to get the other guy’s water. But what’s the incentive for the guy with the water? I mean, what’s it it for him?

Events Coordinator #3: Yeah. I mean, why would he just dump out his water and run away?

Events Coordinator #1: Well, maybe because if he does, he gets executed, I don’t know! Help me! Look, all I know is, we gotta come up with some new ideas, or our heads are gonna end up stuck on stakes! The Emporer is sick of the same old Gladiator-with-Sowrd-and-Shield versus Gladiator-with-Trident-and-Net!

Events Coordinator #2: What about children fighting monkeys?

Events Coordinator #3: That’s not bad..

Events Coordinator #1: Forget it! People are not gonna stand for monkeys killing children!

Events Coordinator #2: Oh, but.. cute little monkeys?

Events Coordinator #1: What about a battle of amputees?

Events Coordinator #3: Oh, that’s good! That’s good!

Events Coordinator #2: Better yet – how about a battle of amoutees fighting each other with their amputated limbs?

Events Coordinator #1: Now we’re getting somewhere! Come on, we need more ideas, what else?

Events Coordinator #2: Hey! What if we crucify a bunch of guys in here, then we let in a bunch of beavers, and the first beaver to knock down a cross, that guy goes free!

Events Coordinator #1: Oh, boy.. that could take a long time.. the crowd could get bored..

Events Coordinator #3: Okay. Well, uh, maybe while the beavers are chewing, the crucified guys could shoot arrows at each other?

Events Coordinator #2: Or, better yet – shoot arrows at each other guy’s beaver!

Events Coordinator #1: Wait! They’re crucifued! How are they gonna shoot arrows?!

Events Coordinator #3: Well, uh.. maybe you just crucify them at the shoulder, you know? [ demonstrates an awkward shooting stance ]

Events Coordinator #1: Oh.. you know what? You know what? They already tried this in Pompei. The beavers didn’t chew down the crosses, they just went over in the corner and burrowed don under the retaininng wall, it was just disastrous..

Events Coordinator #2: Hey. What about, just tie and guy up and having him dragged around by a horse?

Events Coordinator #3: But, who does he fight?

Events Coordinator #2: He doesn’t fight anybody. Sometimes it’s just nice to see a guy dragged around behind a horse!

Events Coordinator #1: Come on, you guys! We need innovation here!

Events Coordinator #2: Well, you come up with something, then.

Events Coordinator #1: Okay.. [ thinking ] A guy.. on stilts.. with a ball of molten oetal.. fighting a guy.. with an umbrella and a hatchet?

Events Coordinator #2: No, no, it seems too busy, too busy..

Events Coordinator #3: Alright. What if one gladiator throws a really hard ball at another gladiator, and that second gladiator tries to hit the ball with a wooden club, and after he hits it, he tries to run around.. a series of.. bases?

Events Coordinator #2: Yeah. Yeah! And, if that guy hits the ball up into the stands, he could run all the way to the home base?

Events Coordinator #1: Hey? Could he be beaten as he runs around the bases? You know, like a gauntlet?

Events Coordinators #2 & #3: Yeah!! Yeah!!

Events Coordinator #1: But what happens when he gets to the home base?

Events Coordinator #3: He gets crucified!

Events Coordinator #1: Yes!! You guy,s I think we’ve got a winner here!

[ cut to the next big colosseum event, the crowd cheering wildly ] [ show the three Events Coordinators with their heads stuck on stakes, as the crowd cheers, unable to get enough ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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