Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual
Buddy #1…..Chris Farley
Buddy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Buddy #3…..Phil Hartman
Lyle’s Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Lyle’s daughter Lisa…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Singing Telegram…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Lyle playing a game of poker with his buddies. ]
Buddy #1: [ leafing through Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ] You know, I never get tired of looking at these women.
Lyle: Check out the ass on Page 47. You just want to eat it right off the page!
Buddy #1: [ checking the photo out ] Man! Look at Ashley Montana!
Lyle: Oh, tell me about it – Count Jugula! One of those is all I need!
Buddy #2: A woman so beautiful, it’s intimidating..
Lyle: Please! Give me five minutes alone with her, she’ll be screaming!
Buddy #3: Well, you can’t have Cindy Crawford – she’s married to Richard Gere.
Lyle: I heard he’s a flamer..
Lyle’s Wife: [ entering the room ] Hi, Honey, how’s the poker game?
Lyle: [ nervous, attempts to hide the swimsuit magazine ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ jumps up and kisses his wife] Hi, Honey. Love you! Fellows, time to go – game’s over! Let’s go! Clear out! Got the real thing right here![ Lyle’s buddies exit to the front door and say their goodnights ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, you didn’t have to rush them out.
Lyle: Well, I just.. I don’t know.. I just though tonight might be.. sort of special..! [ his wife smiles as the phone rings ] I’ll get it. You just get ready for tonight! [ Lyle’s wife walks up the stairs, as he hops excitedly across the room to answer the phone ] Hello? Yes, this is Lyle. Yes, I was at the parade. No, I wasn’t allowed to march. No, I just can’t understand it, either. Well, yes, I think a protest would be a good idea, because, I.. Cappucino?? Why do you want to meet me for cappucino? What is the name of your organization, young man? WHAT??!! Well, that is just INSANE!! Where on earth did you get that idea?! Listen, you little queen – don’t you call me again, or I swear I’ll break both your legs, and you’ll never march again! [ he slams the phone down ] Geez, what a sick, sick city!
Lyle’s Daughter: [ walking downstairs, depressed ] Hi, Dad.
Lyle: Hi, Lisa. How’s my little girl?
Lyle’s Daughter: I don’t know.. Dad? Can we talk? [ She and Lyle sit down next to one another ] Dad? When you were my age.. were you ver just.. so in love with a guy, you just couldn’t get him out of your head?
Lyle: [ confused ] What? Well, what do you mean, was I in love with a guy?
Lyle’s Daughter: Well, you know.. you just see his face everywhere, and.. no other guy matters, not even the captain of the football team.
Lyle: [ still greatly confused ] Look.. I’m sorry, but why are you asking me this?
Lyle’s Daughter: Well.. I don’t know.. I mean.. aren’t you gay?
Lyle: [ angry ] What??! Well, I don’t believe this! Where do thee people get this idea?! Listen! You’re lucky you’re a girl, or I would schmack your ass clear across this room!
Lyle’s Daughter: [ upset, runs back up the stairs ] Dad! I just wanted your advice!
Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Well.. next time, ask me about a carborator, or something! [ the doorbell rings, Lyle answers it ] Yes?
Singing Telegram: Hi. I have a singing telegramfor.. Mr. Billup?
Lyle: [ jumping up and down, clapping his hands ] That’s me! That’s me! Come in! [ Singing Telegram man enters, Lyle’s wife comes downstairs ]
Singing Telegram: [ singing ] Happy Birthday, Mr. Billup! Happy Birthday, Deeeaarr Lyle!
Lyle: [ to his wife ] You remembered!
Singing Telegram: [ still singing, wraps a scarf around Lyle’s neck ] It’s been a great yeeeaaarr, Mr. Billup! [ takes his shirt off ] And you’ve done iiittt in style! So, remember, Mr. Billup.. [ takes his pants off ] ‘Cause you’re a special kind of ma-a-a-nn!
Lyle: [ interrupting ] Hold it! Hold it! Stop it! Time out! This is disgusting!
Singing Telegram: Well, Sir, this is what was ordered!
Lyle: Well, I don’t think so!
Lyle’s Wife: Well, I thought you’d like it, Dear. I mean, after all, you’re gay!
Lyle: [ to the camera ] WHAAAATTTT???!!!
Jingle: He’d like us to say,
He’s straight, and not gay.
He’s Lyle the Effeminate Hetereosexual!