Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop


Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]

Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!

Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?

Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!

Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.

Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.

[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ] [ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]

Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.

Lisa Pongrasic: What?!

Murdoch: You heard me!

Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!

Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?

Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?

Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.

Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!

Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.

Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..

Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.

Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.

[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]

Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!

Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?

Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?

Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?

Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!

[ Lisa exits the vehicle ] [ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]

Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?

Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.

Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?

Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]

Rodriguez: Yeah!

Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?

Rodriguez: [ laughs ] [ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!

Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.

Rodriguez: Nice.

Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?

Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.

Lisa Pongrasic: Really?

Rodriguez: That’s right.

Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..

Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?

Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!

Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.

Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..

Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!

[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]

Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!

Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!

Partner: She’s a cop!

[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]

Partner: You ready to die, Pig!

[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!

Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!

Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..

Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!

Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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