Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop
Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock
[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]
Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!
Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?
Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!
Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.
Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.
[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ]
[ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]
Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.
Lisa Pongrasic: What?!
Murdoch: You heard me!
Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!
Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?
Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?
Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.
Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!
Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.
Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..
Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?
Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.
Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.
[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]
Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!
Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?
Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?
Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?
Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!
[ Lisa exits the vehicle ]
[ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]
Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?
Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.
Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?
Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]
Rodriguez: Yeah!
Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?
Rodriguez: [ laughs ]
[ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]
Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!
Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?
Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.
Rodriguez: Nice.
Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?
Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.
Lisa Pongrasic: Really?
Rodriguez: That’s right.
Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..
Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?
Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!
Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.
Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..
Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..
Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!
[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]
Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!
Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!
Partner: She’s a cop!
[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]
Partner: You ready to die, Pig!
[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]
Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!
Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!
Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!
Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..
Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!
Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.
