Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop

Murdoch…..Phil Hartman
Lisa Pongrasic…..Mary Stuart Masterson
Kevin Hurley…..Chris Farley
Rodriguez…..Dana Carvey
Partner…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, 91st Precinct, New York City ]

Murdoch: Pongrasic, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work! Oh, you got Torelli alright – sure, no question about that – but you also broke fifteen departmental regulations! Improper warrant, illegal searches, excessive use of force..! You put the guy in the hospital, for crying out loud!

Lisa Pongrasic: [ shown only from the neck up ] Look, Murdoch. Torelli was selling cocaine to schoolchildren, what am I supposed to do, give him a parking ticket?

Murdoch: I don’t understand you, Pongrasic. You’re the best cop I got! But I can’t keep saving your butt unless you learn to start playing by the book!

Lisa Pongrasic: You know what you can do with your book, Murdoch. [ stands, revealing herself to be very pregnant ] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go get a sonogram.

Announcer: “Lisa Piongrasic: Very regnant Undrcover Cop”.

[ SUPER: “Starring Megan Forrester, Kevin Riley as Kevin Hurley, with Preston Furman as Murdoch” ] [ opening montage features Lisa handling a variety of police duties – climbing a chain-link fence, posing undercover as a prostitute, participating in a high-speed chase, throwing a bad guy over some garbage cans, and practicing self-defense training, getting hit head-on by a car, peeking out slowly from behind a wall on stakeout ]

Murdoch: Hold it, Pongrasic! [ stands, walks closer ] Before you get your sonogram, I think you oughtta know – I’m taking you off the Rodriguez case.

Lisa Pongrasic: What?!

Murdoch: You heard me!

Lisa Pongrasic: But I’m making the buy tonight! I’m meeting Rodrigeuz in an abandoned warehouse up in the South Bronx!

Murdoch: Pongrasic, what’s your due date?

Lisa Pongrasic: April 14th. Why?

Murdoch: Too close. Maybe I’m old-school, but I just don’t like the idea of an eight-and-a-half month pregnant cop on this case.

Lisa Pongrasic: Look, Murdoch! I’ve been on this case since my first trimester!

Murdoch: [ surrenders ] Alright. I might as well tell you. The reason I didn’t want you to meet Rodriguez is.. the guys and I were gonna throw you a surprise shower tonight. Well, the cat’s out of the bag. [ pulls a stuffed bear out of his file cabinet ] Here. It’s a Paddington Bear.

Lisa Pongrasic: Oh, that’s great..

Murdoch: What’s the matter? You already have one?

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah. But this is great! It’s always good to have an extra.

Murdoch: Oh. Well, anyway, about Rodriguez – be careful.

[ dissolve to Pongrasic sitting in a squad car with her paretner Kevin Hurley ]

Kevin Hurley: [ reading a baby care book ] Wow! It says here breastmilk is the perfect food. It says that the baby requires all the mother’s immunity the first three weeks it nurses. That’s really cool!

Lisa Pongrasic: Where the hell is Rodriguez?

Kevin Hurley: You know what sex the baby is?

Lisa Pongrasic: Shut up, Hurley! [ looks out the window ] There’s Rodriguez! Now, listen, Hurley.. you don’t come in unless there’s trouble, capiche?

Kevin Hurley: Yes, ma’am!

[ Lisa exits the vehicle ] [ dissolve to warehouse interior, Rodriguez and Partner entering ]

Rodriguez: So, the young lady coming to make the buy tonight.. you check her out, man?

Partner: Yeah, she’s cool.

Rodriguez: How do you know she’s not a cop?

Partner: You ever see a cop with a belly out to here? [ indicates ]

Rodriguez: Yeah!

Partner: No, I mean a lady cop?

Rodriguez: [ laughs ] [ Lisa Pongrasic enters the warehouse ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Good evening, gentlemen!

Rodriguez: Good evening, Miss Harrison. You brought the cash, did you not?

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s all here, Rodriguez. $1 million in fifties, just like you ordered.

Rodriguez: Nice.

Lisa Pongrasic: And now, Mr. Rodriguez, I believe you have something for me?

Rodriguez: Oh, Miss Harrison.. we have something.. for you. Look at that, man.. [ opens case ] Three kilos, the finest Peruvian flak, take a look, huh? We also have something else for you.

Lisa Pongrasic: Really?

Rodriguez: That’s right.

Lisa Pongrasic: Well.. I wasn’t expecting anything else..

Rodriguez: Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it, G-Love?

Partner: Yeah! I know you’re not expecting this!

Rodriguez: You close your eyes, Miss Harrison.

Partner: Yeah, because we don’t want you to see what’s coming..

Lisa Pongrasic: Yeah, but I.. I really don’t have time..

Rodriguez: Just shut up, and close your eyes!

[ listening from the car, Kevin gets worried, and bolts ]

Rodriguez: Okay. [ pulls out another Paddington Bear ] Open ’em up, look at that, huh? It’s a gift for the baby, look at that guy! This thing is called a Paddington Bear, okay? It’s got a little raincoat, a cute little hat, red boots, you know? I hollowed out the back, it’s a good place to hide the blow, okay!

Kevin Hurley: [ from outside the door ] Pongrasic, where are you?!!

Partner: She’s a cop!

[ Kevin enters, as a shootout breaks loose, sending him down to the floor with a bullet ]

Partner: You ready to die, Pig!

[ Pongrasic shoots Partner down ]

Lisa Pongrasic: Hold on, Hurley, I’m coming to get you! [ somersaults across the floor ] I’m out of bullets! Harley, where’s your gun!

Kevin Hurley: [ weeping ] I dropped it over there where I was shot at, I’m sorry, Pongrasic!

Lisa Pongrasic: It’s okay, Hurley, I got an idea! [ jumps aboard a forklift, driving into Rodriguez until he runs out of bullets; she tackles him to the ground ] Oh! And, by the way, Rodriguez, I already got a Paddington Bear! What I really need.. is a bassinet!

Announcer: Now, here’s a scene from our next episode..

Lisa Pongrasic: We don’t have much time.. my water just broke!

Announcer: Next week, on “Lisa Pongrasic: Very Pregnant Undercover Cop”.

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