Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 17
Ernie’s Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on exterior, Ernie’s ] [ dissolve to interior of shop, as Ernie’s Wife joins him behind the counter ]
Ernie’s Wife: We’re closing now, right?
Ernie: Closing? Who said?
Ernie’s Wife: You did!
Ernie: I never said that!
Ernie’s Wife: You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!
Ernie: Well, tonight I wanted to stay open, you clock-watching, early-closing, lazy, non-working, back-talking —
Ernie’s Wife: [ gives in ] Okay, I’ll stay late!
Ernie: You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing —
Ernie’s Wife: [ slaps counter ] All I want to know is: when are we gonna close up and go?!
Ernie: You “When-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go?” asking, turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading —[ Ernie’s Wife storms away from the counter and into the back room, as he continues to ramble his insults toward her ]
Ernie: — going-in-the-back-room, non-listening..[ Ernie’s Wife returns from the back room, carrying a box of inventory ]
Ernie: [ continues ] You coming-in-from-the-back-room, box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking —[ Ernie’s Wife waves him off from behind, as she proceeds to process inventory ]
Ernie: — husband-ignoring, you non-hearing, product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving, new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking..[ Ernie pauses to sip a beverage sitting on the counter. His wife turns to give him a dirty look before she moves over to the next wall of inventory. ]
Ernie: [ fueled, he continues again ] Thinking-I-was-dumb, well-I’m-not-dumb-cause-I’m-still-talking, I-got-more-to-say, like: you hairnet-wearing.. uh.. uh.. ozone-destroying-with-the..[ Ernie puts his drink down, and opens the dictionary to locate the proper insult word ]
Ernie: — greenhouse effect-hazard, collossol-city-drowning, polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag, earring-wearing —
Ernie: — walking-out-of-my-sight, dunking-down-behind-the-damn-thing —[ Ernie’s Wife pulls out a pistol and points it at him ]
Ernie: .38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointing-at-me —[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol. His body staggers downward, but he maintains the strength to continue. ]
Ernie: Husband-shooting, mess-making —[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol a second time; Ernie barely flinches ]
Ernie: Two-time-shooting, neither-time-fatally-wounded —[ Ernie’s Wife fires a final time, as he staggers onto the counter and finally surrenders ]
Ernie: Okay. Let’s close the store.