SNL Transcripts: Sharon Stone: 04/11/92: Ernie’s


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 17

Available on:

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam


Ernie’s Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Ernie…..Chris Rock

[ open on exterior, Ernie’s ] [ dissolve to interior of shop, as Ernie’s Wife joins him behind the counter ]

Ernie’s Wife: We’re closing now, right?

Ernie: Closing? Who said?

Ernie’s Wife: You did!

Ernie: I never said that!

Ernie’s Wife: You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!

Ernie: Well, tonight I wanted to stay open, you clock-watching, early-closing, lazy, non-working, back-talking —

Ernie’s Wife: [ gives in ] Okay, I’ll stay late!

Ernie: You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing —

Ernie’s Wife: [ slaps counter ] All I want to know is: when are we gonna close up and go?!

Ernie: You “When-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go?” asking, turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading —

[ Ernie’s Wife storms away from the counter and into the back room, as he continues to ramble his insults toward her ]

Ernie: — going-in-the-back-room, non-listening..

[ Ernie’s Wife returns from the back room, carrying a box of inventory ]

Ernie: [ continues ] You coming-in-from-the-back-room, box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking —

[ Ernie’s Wife waves him off from behind, as she proceeds to process inventory ]

Ernie: — husband-ignoring, you non-hearing, product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving, new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking..

[ Ernie pauses to sip a beverage sitting on the counter. His wife turns to give him a dirty look before she moves over to the next wall of inventory. ]

Ernie: [ fueled, he continues again ] Thinking-I-was-dumb, well-I’m-not-dumb-cause-I’m-still-talking, I-got-more-to-say, like: you hairnet-wearing.. uh.. uh.. ozone-destroying-with-the..

[ Ernie puts his drink down, and opens the dictionary to locate the proper insult word ]

Ernie: — greenhouse effect-hazard, collossol-city-drowning, polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag, earring-wearing —

[ Ernie’s Wife drops her price tag gun and retreats behind the counter ]

Ernie: — walking-out-of-my-sight, dunking-down-behind-the-damn-thing —

[ Ernie’s Wife pulls out a pistol and points it at him ]

Ernie: .38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointing-at-me —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol. His body staggers downward, but he maintains the strength to continue. ]

Ernie: Husband-shooting, mess-making —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires the pistol a second time; Ernie barely flinches ]

Ernie: Two-time-shooting, neither-time-fatally-wounded —

[ Ernie’s Wife fires a final time, as he staggers onto the counter and finally surrenders ]

Ernie: Okay. Let’s close the store.

[ Ernie’s Wife locks up, as he looks around dazed ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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