Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 17
[ open in Dan and Lisa’s bedroom, Lisa wearing a red nightgown and waiting for Dan on the bed ]
Dan: [ enters ] Oh, Lisa! You look so hot in that lingerie!
Lisa: You like it, sweetheart?
Dan: Oooh! You just look so sexy!
Lisa: Thank you, Dan.
Dan: Oh, boy.. any guy in the world would just die to make love to you!
Lisa: [ reaches for him ] Well.. you’re the only guy for me, Dan!
Dan: So, Lisa, you, uh.. want to play.. the game?
Lisa: Yeah! Should I be the stewardess, or the checkout girl at the supermarket?
Dan: Well.. I was thinking.. maybe tonight.. you could be a kind of.. you know.. a prostitute, or something?
Lisa: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Lisa: [ takes out a pair of red heels ] You want me to be your whore, Dan?
Dan: Yeah! Yeah! You’re my whore!
Lisa: [ puts the red heels on ] Yeah, baby, I am! I’m your whore!
Dan: Yeah, I’ve neve met you before.. and now I’m gonna pay you to do it with me!
Lisa: Yeah! You just picked me up on the street, you’ve never met me before!
Dan: Yeah.. you’re gonna get it good, slut!
Dan: I’m paying the money, but you’re getting the treat!
Lisa: Yeah, I can just tell by looking at you it’s gonna be real good! That man I picked up earlier, he couldn’t satisfy me. But, you..
Dan: [ losing the mood ] Hold on.. hold it.. what man?
Lisa: My last trick. My last customer.
Dan: What do you mean, your last customer?! What the hell is going on here?! You slept with someone else?!
Lisa: I’m a hooker. Remember?
Dan: [ understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, the hooker slept with somebody else.. your customer.. oh, okay.. Yeah.. customer. Yeah, the last guy who paid you for sex, just like I did! Yeah, I like that.. you’re a good whore!
Lisa: Yeah! You want to know how I like it, baby?
Dan: I don’t care how you like it! You’re gonna get it the way I like it!
Lisa: Oh, you’re pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?
Dan: Oh, yeah, I can please any woman – especially a cheap, slutty streetwalker like you, who I just met moments ago and I’m not married to, because I just met you!
Lisa: Yeah! I’m just a $10 hooker, and you’re a longshoreman named Tony!
Dan: [ upset ] What do you mean, Tony?! I’m Dan! Who the hell is this Tony guy?!
Lisa: I thought you’d want to be somebody else, so I made it up.
Dan: Okay, but why Tony?! Why not Doug, or Fred, or Tim? I mean.. who’s this Tony guy, what’s his affiliation with us?!
Lisa: I just made it up.
Dan: [ understanding ] Oh..
Dan: Don’t you raise your voice to me, whore! My name’s Dan, alright? I’m Dan!
Lisa: Okay, okay, Dan..
Dan: I’m Dan.. and I’m the man.
Lisa: Okay.. Dan the Man!
Dan: Yeah.. my last name’s different, though. Because I don’t want to bring my parents into this.
Lisa: Okay. Anything you say, Dan. You’re the one with the money.
Dan: I’m Dan.. Hamilton! And you’re Dan Hamilton’s sweaty whore.
Dan: You start sweating for me now, whore!
Lisa: Yeah, well, Dan Hamilton, let’s just get down to business!
Dan: Let’s get down to pleasure, because I need it bad!
Lisa: Yeah! Yeah, baby! What’s the matter, your wife don’t give it to you good enough at home?
Dan: [ alarmed ] Oh, no! No, don’t say that, Lisa! You’re the greatest lover!
Lisa: I’m not Lisa. I’m the hooker.
Dan: [ feeling bad ] Oh, yeah.. well, you see.. Lisa’s a great, great lady.
Lisa: She’s a lucky lady, Dan.
Dan: I don’t even know what I’m doing with you, whore! I’ve got two wonderful kids at home, and my wife and them mean everything to me..
Lisa: [ touched ] Oh, Dan, that’s so sweet.. [ reaches for his face ]
Dan: [ pulls her hand away ] I didn’t say you could touch me, whore! You do what I tell you, or you don’t get no tip!
Lisa: Yeah, Dan.. okay, Dan.. Hamilton!
Dan: [ outraged ] Who the hell is Dan Hamil- [ remembering ] Oh.. right.. Dan Hamilton, I’m Dan Hamilton, okay.. You’d better start earning your money now, you cheap streetwalking wench!
Lisa: Oh, I’m not even thinking about the money, Dan, I’m just thinking about all the pleasure you’re gonna give me!
Dan: [ losing the mood again ] You gotta start thinking about the money.. I mean, that’s why you got into this racket in the first place..
Lisa: You.. you gave me the money. Now.. come and get the merchandise.
Dan: Oh, you poor thing! What kind of sick society do we live in, where some.. sweet, pretty girl like you has to sell her body to put food on the table? It makes me sick![ someone knocks on the bedroom door ]
Lisa: Who is it?
Dan: Who’s that, your pimp?!
Tommy: It’s me, Mom.
Dan: He calls you “Mom”?! That’s perverted and disgusting![ Son Tommy enters ]
Lisa: What is it, Tommy?
Tommy: Hi, Mom.. hi, Dad. I was wondering if, maybe, I could borrow the car tonight?
Dan: What’s the matter, you bloodsucking pimp? Your purple cadillac break down?!
Dan: [ jumps out of bed ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson, you vicious flesh-peddler! Let’s go – outside! You and me right now, we’ll settle this! [ chases Tommy out of the bedroom ] [ slow zoom on Lisa ]
Lisa: I think Dan takes these sex games a little too seriously, don’t you?[ fade ]