SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 04/18/92: Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Black Man”


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Black Man”

Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
…..Tim Meadows
Regular Black Man…..Chris Rock
Janice…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Testimonial #1…..Rob Schneider
Testimonial #2…..Phil Hartman

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson! I’m a handsome man! [ laughs handsomely ] Oh, I wasn’t always handsome – I used to be plain. [ holds up old photo ] But then I developed my courses: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”, and “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor.” These courses have been available for over a year, and the rsponse has been, frankly, overwhelming! [ laughs ] And now, I’m proud to introduce my latest course: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Perhaps you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams, Blair Underwood, and Don Cornelius. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” And now, I’d like you to meet another one of my success stories.

Tim Meadows: [ enters, sporting a handsome moustache ] Hi! I’mTim Meadows, and I’m a handsome black man! [ laughs handsomely with Lank ] I wasn’t a handsome black man. I used to be a plain black man. [ holds up old photo ] But thanks to your course, now I look.. fantastic!

Lank Thompson: You know, the basic techniques are covered in my first tape – “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”. And they helped form the core of “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Let’s have a look. They are: “Smile When You Talk.”

Tim Meadows: [ demonstrating, smiles ] It’s great to be here!

Lank Thompson: Great to have you! [ they laugh ] 2: “Maintain Eye Contact.” Do you understand? [ stares ]

Tim Meadows: Yes, I understand. [ stares back – they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: 3: “Be Tastefully Tactile.” [ turns to Tim ] You’re very important to me.

Tim Meadows: Get outta here! [ they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: You know, there are some techniques that are unique to the handsome black man. Technique #1: “The Two-Handed Shake.” The handsome black man greets everyone with a shake that says, “Hey.. you’re improtant to me!” Let’s watch Tim in action.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim enters a club and approaches a black womanand a white man ]

Tim Meadows: [ two-hand shakes the white man’s hand ] How you doing? Welcome to the club! [ turns to the black woman and two-hand shakes her hand ] You look.. fantastic! [ his guests laugh with him ]

Lank Thompson: And, of course, the variation of the Two-Hand Shake – the “One-Hand Shake-Hug.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim approaches two black men ]

Regular Black Man: Do you know Jim?

Tim Meadows: Know him? We’re like brothers! [ gives him a One-Hand Shake-Hug, then exits scene ]

Regular Black Man: I like that he shook my one hand, then hugged me with the other arm!

Regular Black Man: That’s a handsome black man!

Lank Thompson: Technique #2: When talking to women, deepen your voice.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim at a bar with a few other black men ]

Tim Meadows: [ in regular voice ] I’ll see you guys later. [ turns to black woman next to him, deepens voice ] Hello. I’m Tim.

Janice: I’m Janice.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] Hello, Janet.

Lank Thompson: That brings us to Techgnique #3: When talking to a woman for the first time, the handsome black man notices her strongest feature, calls attention to it, and uses it as a nickname.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] I think you got beautiful eyes. I’m gonna call you “Sweet Eyes!” They are fantastic! [ laughs handsomely, and walks away ]

Janice: [ to a friend next to her ] Damn, he’s handsome! I like the way he noticed my eyes, and then immediately incorporated then into a nickname!

Lank Thompson: Technique #4: The handsome black man laughs immediately at any mildly humorous story or quip, and acknowledges the universal truth in it.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim talking to a bartender ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Jimmy, what’s the word on the street?

Bartender: Two fly sisters came in here looking for Michael Jackson tickets. I told them, “Don’t be a dog in the manger!”

Tim Meadows: [ laughs ] Fantastic! [ laughs again ] I know what you mean!

Lank Thompson: [ laughing ] He’s a handsome black man! And you can be, too! Here’s how to order.

Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man”, call 1-800-555-0199.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! Now it’s time for questions. Yes – you!

Testimonial #1: Hi, I took your course, “Lank Thompson: I’m AHandsome Man”.. and I loved it. I just wanted to say Thank You.

Lank Thompson: Thank you! You’re a handsome man! Yes – you.

Testimonial #2: I also took your course, and I loved it. I’m aMestiso Indian. Is there a course for me?

Lank Thompson: Okay, hold on.. not yet! Alright. But, eventually, I will have a course for all men of Andean tribes! Well, that’s all the time we have. Now, go on! Be handsome!

[ Tim comes back out, and the two handsome man give each other handsomehandshakes until the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

I wish I could find a video of this skit!

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