Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 18
Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Black Man”
Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
Regular Black Man…..Chris Rock
Testimonial #1…..Rob Schneider
Testimonial #2…..Phil Hartman
Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson! I’m a handsome man! [ laughs handsomely ] Oh, I wasn’t always handsome – I used to be plain. [ holds up old photo ] But then I developed my courses: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”, and “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor.” These courses have been available for over a year, and the rsponse has been, frankly, overwhelming! [ laughs ] And now, I’m proud to introduce my latest course: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Perhaps you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams, Blair Underwood, and Don Cornelius. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” And now, I’d like you to meet another one of my success stories.
Tim Meadows: [ enters, sporting a handsome moustache ] Hi! I’mTim Meadows, and I’m a handsome black man! [ laughs handsomely with Lank ] I wasn’t a handsome black man. I used to be a plain black man. [ holds up old photo ] But thanks to your course, now I look.. fan–tastic!
Lank Thompson: You know, the basic techniques are covered in my first tape – “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”. And they helped form the core of “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Let’s have a look. They are: “Smile When You Talk.”
Tim Meadows: [ demonstrating, smiles ] It’s great to be here!
Lank Thompson: Great to have you! [ they laugh ] 2: “Maintain Eye Contact.” Do you understand? [ stares ]
Tim Meadows: Yes, I understand. [ stares back – they laugh ]
Lank Thompson: 3: “Be Tastefully Tactile.” [ turns to Tim ] You’re very important to me.
Tim Meadows: Get outta here! [ they laugh ]
Lank Thompson: You know, there are some techniques that are unique to the handsome black man. Technique #1: “The Two-Handed Shake.” The handsome black man greets everyone with a shake that says, “Hey.. you’re improtant to me!” Let’s watch Tim in action.[ cut to demonstration – Tim enters a club and approaches a black womanand a white man ]
Tim Meadows: [ two-hand shakes the white man’s hand ] How you doing? Welcome to the club! [ turns to the black woman and two-hand shakes her hand ] You look.. fan–tastic! [ his guests laugh with him ]
Lank Thompson: And, of course, the variation of the Two-Hand Shake – the “One-Hand Shake-Hug.[ cut to demonstration – Tim approaches two black men ]
Regular Black Man: Do you know Jim?
Tim Meadows: Know him? We’re like brothers! [ gives him a One-Hand Shake-Hug, then exits scene ]
Regular Black Man: I like that he shook my one hand, then hugged me with the other arm!
Regular Black Man: That’s a handsome black man!
Lank Thompson: Technique #2: When talking to women, deepen your voice.[ cut to demonstration – Tim at a bar with a few other black men ]
Tim Meadows: [ in regular voice ] I’ll see you guys later. [ turns to black woman next to him, deepens voice ] Hello. I’m Tim.
Janice: I’m Janice.
Tim Meadows: [ deep ] Hello, Janet.
Lank Thompson: That brings us to Techgnique #3: When talking to a woman for the first time, the handsome black man notices her strongest feature, calls attention to it, and uses it as a nickname.
Tim Meadows: [ deep ] I think you got beautiful eyes. I’m gonna call you “Sweet Eyes!” They are fan–tastic! [ laughs handsomely, and walks away ]
Janice: [ to a friend next to her ] Damn, he’s handsome! I like the way he noticed my eyes, and then immediately incorporated then into a nickname!
Lank Thompson: Technique #4: The handsome black man laughs immediately at any mildly humorous story or quip, and acknowledges the universal truth in it.[ cut to demonstration – Tim talking to a bartender ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Jimmy, what’s the word on the street?
Bartender: Two fly sisters came in here looking for Michael Jackson tickets. I told them, “Don’t be a dog in the manger!”
Tim Meadows: [ laughs ] Fan–tastic! [ laughs again ] I know what you mean!
Lank Thompson: [ laughing ] He’s a handsome black man! And you can be, too! Here’s how to order.
Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man”, call 1-800-555-0199.
Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! Now it’s time for questions. Yes – you!
Testimonial #1: Hi, I took your course, “Lank Thompson: I’m AHandsome Man”.. and I loved it. I just wanted to say Thank You.
Lank Thompson: Thank you! You’re a handsome man! Yes – you.
Testimonial #2: I also took your course, and I loved it. I’m aMestiso Indian. Is there a course for me?
Lank Thompson: Okay, hold on.. not yet! Alright. But, eventually, I will have a course for all men of Andean tribes! Well, that’s all the time we have. Now, go on! Be handsome![ Tim comes back out, and the two handsome man give each other handsomehandshakes until the scene fades to black ]