Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 18
The Lenny Wise Show
Lenny Wise…..Phil Hartman
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney
Announcer: Live, from Metropolis, it’s “The Lenny Wise Show”. Now, once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise.
Lenny Wise: [ interviewing Superman ] What’s your biggest regret? Or, let me put it another way: If you had one wish, what would it be?
Superman: Hmm.. I’d like to go back to Krypton. To go back to Krypton, that’s what I’d like to go. to see what it was like before it blew up.
Lenny Wise: Your father was a brilliant man. I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El.
Superman: Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist. But the sad thing was, they wouldn’t listen to him!
Lenny Wise: Did your mother work?
Superman: I don’t know. Maybe. Before I was born, I don’t know. Because, don’t forget, I was still just a baby when the whole planet blew up!
Lenny Wise: Our guest is Superman, the lines are open! When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? Is it something that’s on your mind? I mean, do you say, “Uh-oh! I hope I don’t run into some kryptonite today!”
Superman: Not really, no. I don’t think you can live your life worried about kryptonite! You know? I’m just trying to go about my business, and I don’t think about it.
Lenny Wise: How much kryptonite do you think is out there?
Superman: I have no idea.
Lenny Wise: No idea?
Superman: No. It could be anything!
Lenny Wise: Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kyrptonite?
Superman: No, not really.. But, like I said, it’s just something I can’t control, so why worry about it!
Lenny Wise: Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead?
Superman: It did, at the beginning, yeah. I remember the first time that it happened. I said, “Hey, what the heck is going on here?” But, eventually, I got used to it.
Lenny Wise: You stopped aging when?
Superman: When I was 30.
Lenny Wise: Becuase, if you were born on this planet, you’d be, what, in your fifties now, no?
Superman: Yeah. That’s just about right..
Lenny Wise: Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana!
Caller #1: Hello, Superman?
Superman: Yes. Hello, Sir.
Caller #1: Superman? This is.. this is Al McKay. Remember? I.. I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor? On Pine Street?
Superman: Oh, yes! Yes! How are you, Mr. McKay?
Lenny Wise: What’s your question?
Caller #1: Just wanted to say hello.
Lenny Wise: You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right?
Superman: Yes, that’s right.
Lenny Wise: And the two of you used to be good friends.
Lenny Wise: What happened?
Superman: Well, this one day I flew over his house, and I accidentally set his lab on fire.. and that’s how he became bald. And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since.
Lenny Wise: Did you ever sit down and say, “Hey, Lex! Come on! It was an accident!”
Superman: Oh, sure..
Lenny Wise: No dice?
Superman: No. He’s a pretty strange fellow.
Lenny Wise: What do you do for fun? How do you relax?
Superman: I like to play Scrabble.
Lenny Wise: Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity?
Superman: Oh, yeah, in the costume!
Lenny Wise: Well.. it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you while you’re in your costume?
Superman: [ laughing ] Well, not really, Len! You still gotta get the letters! I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game, costume or not, I’m not gonna win!
Lenny Wise: You mean, you’ve lost at Scrabble?
Superman: Oh, sure! Many times!
Lenny Wise: Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis!
Caller #2: Yes? Superman? I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year, you sat around for two weeks doing nothing, while Metropolis smelled like a pig sty!
Superman: [ annoyed ] Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel like picking up all that garbage!
Caller #2: Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off?
Superman: Oh, like I don’t do enough?
Caller #2: The whole thing would have taken you ten minutes!
Superman: First of all, nothing takes ten minutes!
Caller #2: Oh, come on! You could have fused the garbage into a big ball and hurled it out into space!
Superman: Yeah, fine. Yeah. You know!
Caller #2: Superman. What a joke! Why don’t you just go.. [ bleep ]
Lenny Wise: [ laughing ] Who-ho-ho-ho! Uh.. she’s obviously pretty upset. And, I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset about that garbage situation.
Superman: Well, I’m sorry, Len! I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage! I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbageman! That’s where I draw the line!
Lenny Wise: Okay. [ laughs ] No argumrent here. You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.
Superman: [ pause ] Yeah, I’ve heard that..
Lenny Wise: Okay.. if I came across a piece of kryptonite, how much do you think it would be worth?
Superman: Can you give me a break with the kryptonite?[ closing music pots up ]
Lenny Wise: Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. I’d like to thank my guest Superman for being with us.
Superman: Yeah, it’s a pleasure.
Lenny Wise: Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity?
Superman: Sure, I’m.. [ mumbles into Lenny’s ear ]
Lenny Wise: Wh-what was that? [ laughing ] Seriously, come back again! Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick, currently starring in “A Horrible Coincedence”. Good night, everybody.[ fade to black ]