SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 04/18/92: The Lenny Wise Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

The Lenny Wise Show

Lenny Wise…..Phil Hartman
Superman…..Jerry Seinfeld
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney

Announcer: Live, from Metropolis, it’s “The Lenny Wise Show”. Now, once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise.

Lenny Wise: [ interviewing Superman ] What’s your biggest regret? Or, let me put it another way: If you had one wish, what would it be?

Superman: Hmm.. I’d like to go back to Krypton. To go back to Krypton, that’s what I’d like to go. to see what it was like before it blew up.

Lenny Wise: Your father was a brilliant man. I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El.

Superman: Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist. But the sad thing was, they wouldn’t listen to him!

Lenny Wise: Did your mother work?

Superman: I don’t know. Maybe. Before I was born, I don’t know. Because, don’t forget, I was still just a baby when the whole planet blew up!

Lenny Wise: Our guest is Superman, the lines are open! When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? Is it something that’s on your mind? I mean, do you say, “Uh-oh! I hope I don’t run into some kryptonite today!”

Superman: Not really, no. I don’t think you can live your life worried about kryptonite! You know? I’m just trying to go about my business, and I don’t think about it.

Lenny Wise: How much kryptonite do you think is out there?

Superman: I have no idea.

Lenny Wise: No idea?

Superman: No. It could be anything!

Lenny Wise: Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kyrptonite?

Superman: No, not really.. But, like I said, it’s just something I can’t control, so why worry about it!

Lenny Wise: Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead?

Superman: It did, at the beginning, yeah. I remember the first time that it happened. I said, “Hey, what the heck is going on here?” But, eventually, I got used to it.

Lenny Wise: You stopped aging when?

Superman: When I was 30.

Lenny Wise: Becuase, if you were born on this planet, you’d be, what, in your fifties now, no?

Superman: Yeah. That’s just about right..

Lenny Wise: Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana!

Caller #1: Hello, Superman?

Superman: Yes. Hello, Sir.

Caller #1: Superman? This is.. this is Al McKay. Remember? I.. I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor? On Pine Street?

Superman: Oh, yes! Yes! How are you, Mr. McKay?

Lenny Wise: What’s your question?

Caller #1: Just wanted to say hello.

Lenny Wise: You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right?

Superman: Yes, that’s right.

Lenny Wise: And the two of you used to be good friends.

Superman: Right.

Lenny Wise: What happened?

Superman: Well, this one day I flew over his house, and I accidentally set his lab on fire.. and that’s how he became bald. And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since.

Lenny Wise: Did you ever sit down and say, “Hey, Lex! Come on! It was an accident!”

Superman: Oh, sure..

Lenny Wise: No dice?

Superman: No. He’s a pretty strange fellow.

Lenny Wise: What do you do for fun? How do you relax?

Superman: I like to play Scrabble.

Lenny Wise: Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity?

Superman: Oh, yeah, in the costume!

Lenny Wise: Well.. it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you while you’re in your costume?

Superman: [ laughing ] Well, not really, Len! You still gotta get the letters! I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game, costume or not, I’m not gonna win!

Lenny Wise: You mean, you’ve lost at Scrabble?

Superman: Oh, sure! Many times!

Lenny Wise: Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis!

Caller #2: Yes? Superman? I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year, you sat around for two weeks doing nothing, while Metropolis smelled like a pig sty!

Superman: [ annoyed ] Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel like picking up all that garbage!

Caller #2: Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off?

Superman: Oh, like I don’t do enough?

Caller #2: The whole thing would have taken you ten minutes!

Superman: First of all, nothing takes ten minutes!

Caller #2: Oh, come on! You could have fused the garbage into a big ball and hurled it out into space!

Superman: Yeah, fine. Yeah. You know!

Caller #2: Superman. What a joke! Why don’t you just go.. [ bleep ]

Lenny Wise: [ laughing ] Who-ho-ho-ho! Uh.. she’s obviously pretty upset. And, I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset about that garbage situation.

Superman: Well, I’m sorry, Len! I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage! I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbageman! That’s where I draw the line!

Lenny Wise: Okay. [ laughs ] No argumrent here. You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.

Superman: [ pause ] Yeah, I’ve heard that..

Lenny Wise: Okay.. if I came across a piece of kryptonite, how much do you think it would be worth?

Superman: Can you give me a break with the kryptonite?

[ closing music pots up ]

Lenny Wise: Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. I’d like to thank my guest Superman for being with us.

Superman: Yeah, it’s a pleasure.

Lenny Wise: Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity?

Superman: Sure, I’m.. [ mumbles into Lenny’s ear ]

Lenny Wise: Wh-what was that? [ laughing ] Seriously, come back again! Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick, currently starring in “A Horrible Coincedence”. Good night, everybody.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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