Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 18
Make You Think
Mr. Thompson…..Jerry Seinfeld
[ open on interior, high school classroom – teacher Mr. Thompson erasing drawing from chalk board as his class enters ]
Mr. Thompson: This is not funny. [ bell rings ] Alright, let’s settle down, let’s settle down.. I’ve graded your tests, and I have to say.. I am more than a little disappointed. In fact, I’ve decided I’m going to throw them all out. [ pitches them ]
Randy: [ arms in air ] All-right!! [ Mr. Thompson leers at him ] I mean.. aw, man..
Mr. Thompson: I think I’ve been placing too much emphasis on details. What I want you to do now is forget about memorizing things. I want you to think history, okay? We’re just gonna make each other think. Okay? Now, is everybody with me on this? Alright, now let’s talk about the Battle of Britain, and the Lend-Lease Act. How are these two events linked in history? Anybody got any thoughts? [ a hand is raised ] Sabrina?
Sabrina: So.. the tests that you threw out, that’s not gonna count?
Mr. Thompson: No. No. Everybody got that? Now, back to the Battle of Britain and the Lend-Lease Act. Roosevelt said that America must be the great arsenol of democracy. Now, what did he mean by that? We must be the great arsenol. What does he mean? Randy?
Randy: Uh.. that we had to be.. this big.. arseno?
Mr. Thompson: Arsonal. With an “L”.
Randy: Oh.. right. That we needed to be.. uh.. I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.
Mr. Thompson: Okay. Maybe that wasn’t a fair question. Alright. Now, what country did Roosevelt want to supply with weapons? Who can tell me? What country? Remember, we’re talking about the Battle of.. what? Who can tell me? [ a hand is raised [ Lisa.
Lisa: Uh.. Britain..?
Mr. Thompson: Yes! Good! You see, now we’re thinking History!
Larry: [ interrupting ] Mr. Thompson? I was about to say Britain?
Mr. Thompson: That’s good. So, Roosevelt wants to help Britain in the war against who? Who? Who is Britain at war with? Who can tell me? [ no responses ] Okay, let’s think now. What was happening in America in the 1930’s? [ a hand is raised ] Darlene?
Darlene: I thought you said that we weren’t going to have to know dates?
Mr. Thompson: You’re right. Let me put it another way. In the decade before World War II, what was happening in Europe?
Doug: [ raising hand ] France?
Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Yeah. France. But let’s think. What political group was in Europe at the time?
Siobhan: [ raising hand ] Um.. the French?
Mr. Thompson: [ stunned ] Ye-es..
Larry: Mr. Thompson? The French are still in Europe today.
Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Let’s.. just get off the French for a while, okay?
Larry: [ dejected ] Okay.. sure..
Mr. Thompson: No, I’m sorry.. I was just, Larry, making a point. There are French people in Europe, like Larry said, even today. [ smacks Doug’s hand with his pointer ] You don’t have to write that down! It’s not gonna be on a test. Alright, let’s think about some of the other countries in Europe. Now, name some of the other countries in Europe.. besides France. [ hands lower ] Let’s look at the map up here. [ pulls map down ] now, where’s Europe on the map? Anyone. Where’s Europe? Here? [ points to country on map ] How many of you think this is Europe? Right there. A show of hands [ a few hands meekly raise ] You think this is Europe? You’re right, that is Europe. [ all the hands raise up quickly ] Alright. Good, good, good, good, good.. Now, what are some of the countries in Europe?
Mr. Thompson: Uh-huh. Good. Anybody else?
Siobhan: Um.. France?
Mr. Thompson: [ relunctant ] Yes. Can someone name another?
Mr. Thompson: [ excited ] Yes! Germany! Yes! Very good! Let’s talk about Germany!
Mr. Thompson: Right. But let’s stick with Germany for a second..
Mr. Thompson: Yes! Let’s just go back to Germany, alright? Now, what political group was in power in Germany at this time? Someone want to take this one? [ no responses ] Larry? Randy? Who haven’t we heard from? [ thinking ] How many of you saw “Raiders of the Lost Ark”?
Doug: [ hand shoots up, excited ] I have it.. on.. tape..! I could bring it?
Mr. Thompson: No. Thank you. Now, who in the movie was Indiana Jones fighting.. [ Randy raises his hand ] ..besides the snakes? [ Randy meekly lowers his hand ] He was fighting the Na-a-a-a-a..
Mr. Thompson: Na-a-a-a-zis..
Larry: Mr. Thompson, I was gonna say Nazis!
Mr. Thompson: Okay. So what did the Nazis do? Let’s think!
Doug: Oh! Uh.. they tried to steal that Lost Ark, then all their faces melted in the end!
Mr. Thompson: No.
Chris: They put up the Berlin Wall?
Siobhan: Oh, that’s right!
Mr. Thompson: No, they didn’t put up the Berlin Wall.
Siobhan: Yeah, yeah they did!
Mr. Thompson: No they didn’t.
Siobhan: Are you sure? Because I think that they did..
Mr. Thompson: You were thinking of the Communists! That was 1961!
Darlene: Um.. Mr. Thompson? I thought that you said we weren’t going to have to know dates?
Mr. Thompson: [ covers his face with his hand ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry. I forgot. [ regains control ] Alright. Now, the Nazis were in power in Germany. So who were England at war with? During the Battle of Britain? [ a few hands rise ] And don’t say France! [ hands lower ] Who can tell me? not France, but.. Take a guess!
Mr. Thompson: Yes!
Larry: Germany? ‘Cause I was about to say Germany..
Sabrina: I’ve got a question. Uh.. who came up with that name, Europe?
Mr. Thompson: [ throws down his pointer ] You know what? I think we’ve done enough for today.. [ chugs a couple of antacid tablets ] Let’s read quietly. For the rest of the period, yeah. Just everybody, read at your desks.. everybody..
Siobhan: Mr. Thompson? Um.. we never did get to find out what that guy Roosevelt meant by the Great Arsenio.
Mr. Thompson: [ shakes head ] It doesn’t matter.. [ to Doug ] In fact, why don’t you bring inyour copy of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” tomorrow?[ zoom out, fade to black ]