SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 04/18/92: Stand-Up & Win



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18






91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Stand-Up & Win

Bobby Wheat…..Jerry Seinfeld
Billy…..Rob Schneider
Tommy…..Dana Carvey
Barry…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Hi! Get ready for big money and big prizes on “Stand-Up & Win!” And now, it’s time to bring out our host – make him feel welcome – Bobby Wheat!

Bobby Wheat: [ runs onstage ] Hey! How’s everybody doin’? Welcome to “Stand-Up & Win”, where stand-ups compete for big money! Contestants – thanks for makin’ it! Are you ready to play? [ the three stand-up contestants sound their eagerness ] Okay! Hands on buzzers, here’s our opening question: “What’s the Deal with Airplane Food?” [ Billy buzzes in ] Billy!

Billy: I know! Could this stuff taste any worse? It’s, like, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds!”

Bobby Wheat: That’s correct, Billy! That’s worth $100! And control of our board! Okay, let’s take a look at our categories! They are: Airplanes; Breakfast Cereals; Commercials; Chicken McNuggets; 7-11 Employees; and Gilligan’s Island. Okay, Billy, what’ll it be?

Billy: Let’s stick with “Airplanes”, for $100.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Here’s the question: “And What’s With That Beef Stroganoff They Serve You?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! It’s looking at you, like, “Come on! I dare you! [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Beef Stroganoff?! Isn’t that getting a little loose with the language? [ incorrect answer ]

Billy: [ buzzes in ] And the guy next to me, he likes it! He can’t get enough of it! I’m looking for a dog to slip it to, this guy’s asking for thirds!

Bobby Wheat: That’s right, Billy! And you’re on a roll!

Billy: Let’s keep going with “Airplanes”, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: “Airplanes” for $200: “And what is the Deal With the Black Box?” [ Tommy buzzes in ] Tommy!

Tommy: It’s the only thing that survives the crash – why don’t they build the whole plane out of the Black Box!

Bobby Wheat: I know! I mean.. that’s right!

Tommy: Let’s try “Breakfast Cereals”, Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: “What is the Deal With Count Chocula?”

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: I mean, are we supposed to be afraid of this guy?

Bobby Wheat: Keep going!

Billy: Let’s go to commercials for $100!

Bobby Wheat: “Have You Seen This One For the Clapper? I Mean, Have You Seen This?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I’m thinking, “Is that the same old lady who said ‘I’ve Fallen, and I Can’t Get Up’!” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is “Clap On, Clap Off? I’m watching TV – everytime someone gets a round of applause, my garage door goes up and down!” [ reads it again so the audience will laugh ] Okay! Let’s take a break and meet the contestants.. [ approaches him contestants ] Tommy Shelton – you’ve been on “Evening at the Improv” a total of six hundred times!

Tommy: Thanks, Tommy! It’s great to be here!

Bobby Wheat: [ taps Tommy’s collar microphone ] Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones?!

Tommy: I know! Look how small it is! What am I, Andre the Giant?

Bobby Wheat: I know! Okay! Here’s Barry Rice! Barry, what gives with the hair!

Barry: I know what you’re thinking – somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair!

Bobby Wheat: Okay! And here’s Billy Travis! Billy, you’re appearing at the Laugh Shack!

Billy: Hey, I can’t follow that.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Back to the game! Billy, you still have control!

Billy: Okay, let’s do “Chicken McNuggets” for $100!

Bobby Wheat: “Chicken McNuggets” for $100: “Could Somebody Explain These Things?”

[ Barry buzzes in ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Tommy: [ buzzes in ] What I want to know is, what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?!

Bobby Wheat: That is right! We would have also accepted: “If itMcComes from where I McThink it does – I don’t want to McEat it!”

Tommy: Let’s try “7-11 Employees” for $100!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: “Who Are These People?

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: Could somebody fill me in, because I’d like to know!

Bobby Wheat: That’s right!

Billy: Let’s keep going, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: For $200 – alright: “And How About This BeefJerky? What Kind of Mystery Meat Is This?

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: It’s kind of saying, “Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky? Am I beef..? Just what am I!” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] It’s kind of saying, “Do you chew me? Am I a cigar? Am I am actual food product..?” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is: “Forget aboutthis beef jerky! What about these Big Gulps?! Could wepossibly need this much Mountain Dew?” Billy, you stillhave control of the board!

Billy: Back to “Cereals”, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: “Cereals”, for $200: “Grape Nuts – You Open It Up,No Grapes, No Nuts! What’s the Deal?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I think it’s just an expression.

Bobby Wheat: [ surprised ] Oh. That’s correct!

Tommy: Alright! Give me “Gilligan’s Island”, Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: “Gilligan’s Island”. for $100: “A Three Hour Tour?A Three Hour Tour?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! Why do they have all those clothes? And what’s the deal with the Professor? He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can’t fix a hole in the damn boat! I mean, hey! And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there? Why don’t they date Mary-Ann? I’m starting to wonder about that “Little Buddy” stuff!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, okay! That’s plenty! Alright, now it’s time for Final Stand-Up & Win! And the Final category is: “Oprah”. And the Final question is: “Oprah – What is the Deal With Her?” Okay, while you’re thinking it over – Larry, tell us what our winner gets.

Announcer: He’ll get a year’s supply of those things that are at the end of your shoelaces! What are those things? They don’t have a name!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, we’re back! Once again, the Final question is: “Oprah – What’s the Deal With Her?” Let’s see what our players wrote. First, Tommy: “I know, what gives with this woman? Is she hurting for guests, or what? I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians who have been abused by Elvis impersonators? I mean, please, somebody help me out!” No. I’m sorry, that is wrong. [ moves to Barry ] Okay, let’s see what you’ve got here: “Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?!” Sorry, Barry, that is not right! [ moves to Billy ] Okay, Billy, here’s your chance to win or lose. The question: “Oprah – What is With Her?” Your answer is: “She’s fat, she’s thin, she’s fat, she’s thin – I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it!” That is right! You’re our gran prize winner of the day!

Billy: I mean – what is with Oprah? I really want to know!

Bobby Wheat: Well, we’ll talk about it later! But, we’re out of time! Thank you for coming, my name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks! You’ve been great!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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