Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 19
The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club
Mr. Chairman…..Tom Hanks
[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]
Mr. Chairman: Okay, today’s meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now, don’t concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright? If you leave your membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we can park in the handicapped space at his brother’s conveniece mart.
Cheryl: That’s so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!
Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use, so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright, ideas?
Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.
Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.
Doug: Head Cheese?
Melanie: El Stinkmeister.[ boos ]
Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.
Kevin: How about.. Brocktoon.
Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon! Hey, I like it! Let’s vote, alright? All in favor of Brocktoon, say Aye!
Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!
Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon it is!
Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me![ Comic enters the room ]
Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Brocktoon?
Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they’re doing a Comedy Night here later, and I just got here early to sign up.
Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable, sit anywhere. We’re just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of business, but anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I’d like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is.. the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he’s just.. I wish.. you know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one of a kind, you know? He’s.. I think about him all the time, and.. well, I’m wondering – should we kill him?
Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God’s sake, no!
Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.
Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I’d like Doug to explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon!
Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she’d be, you know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.
Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!
Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn’t know how unworthy I am to hang out with him..?
Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don’t follow. What about the girl you want to meet?
Doug: Aw, she’s probably a lesbo anyway.
Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn’t have to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr. Belvedere, say Aye.
Mr. Chairman: All those who don’t think he should be killed, say Nay.
Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn’t have been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss. Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere’s publicist. It seems somebody has been killing his housepets again. Now, I’m not gonna ask which one of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.
Comic: What exercise?
Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy a little less blurry. You’ll see.
Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I shouldn’t want to grab a lock of his hair.
Mr. Chairman: That’s good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that’s not right. Someone else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I shouldn’t want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh? Okay, so let’s keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like watching “Mr. Belvedere” a lot, but I shouldn’t have to masturbate at the end of every episode.
Mr. Chairman: That’s right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner if he truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it telepathically.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let’s keep the exercise in the form of “should” and “shouldn’t”, okay? Next?
Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn’t want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn’t want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that’s great, we understand that now. Go on, though. Why shouldn’t you put him in a big jar in your basement?
Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn’t be able to see him..?
Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..
Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You’re talking about killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Brocktoon guy in a big jar, and dead housepets?! I mean, can’t you see what you’re talking about is wrong?! I mean, can’t you see that?![ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath fogging up the glass ] [ fade out ]