Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 19
Tom Hanks’ Monologue
Tom Hanks: Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, it’s great to be back on the show, I have this announcement to make.. [ opens up sheet of paper ] “Bruce is in the building!”
It is really special to be here, in fact, when the show was first announced, a certain fine actor by the name of Joe Pesci was going to be here. Unfortunately, his movie is running a little late, so they gave me a call. It was the last minute, I was free, so, bang, here I am! But, you know, what a finale to a great year this would have been for Mr. Joe Pesci. Now, first he wins an Academy Award for his role in “Goodfellas”, then he’s in a very popular movie called “My Cousin Vinny” – that was very fun for him. Later this month, Mr. Pesci will be seen in a little movie called “Lethal Weapon 3”, and right now, this very minute, he’s working with none other than Macauley Culkin in “Home Alone 2”. Wow! Tonight, I can only promise to do my best to fill Mr. Joe Pesci’s very large shoes. So, stick around![ camera zooms out, fade to black as Tom ponders what just happened ] [ alternate camera angle appears, showing Tom walking backstage ]
Tom Hanks: I don’t know what I’m doing.. I don’t know what I’m doing.. I do not know what I’m doing..[ Tom approaches Tim Meadows, Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, Phil Hartman and Mike Myers waiting for him in the back corridor, cheering him for his monologue ]
Tom Hanks: Ah, who are you kidding? They just rewrote stuff they came up with ten days ago! I’m up there in front of millions of people going on about Joe Pesci’s wild year, like some kind of dope! I don’t even plug “League of Their Own” – it’s coming out in July, with Geena Davis and Madonna! What kind of businessman am I?![ everyone laughs to hear Tom refer to himself as a businessman ]
Phil Hartman: Businessman! You are something, man, you are really funny!
Tom Hanks: [ annoyed ] What do you mean, I’m funny?
Phil Hartman: You’re funny, you know? It’s a good monologue, you told a funny story, you’re a funny guy!
Tom Hanks: Wh-wh-what do you mean? Do I talk funny, what?
Phil Hartman: I’m just saying.. it’s funny the way you tell a story, and everything..
Tom Hanks: Yeah, but funny, how?! I mean, what’s funny about it?
Chris Farley: Hey, Tommy, look.. you got it all wrong..
Tom Hanks: No, no, wait, Farley! He knows! He’s a big boy, he knows what he said! What did you say? Funny, how? What?!
Phil Hartman: Just, you’re funny..
Tom Hanks: Let me understand this, ’cause maybe it’s me! Maybe I’m a little goofed up, you know? I’m funny, how? Like I’m a clown? Like I’m here to amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to amuse you? Funny? What do you mean, funny? Funny, how?! How am I so funny?!
Phil Hartman: Just.. you know how to tell a story..
Tom Hanks: No! No, no, no, I don’t know! You said it! How do I know! You said I’m funny! Why am I so funny?! What is so FUNNY about me?! You tell me!! WHAT is so FRICKIN’ FUNNY?!![ Phil and Tom crack up simultaneously at the play on “Goodfellas” ]
Lorne Michaels: [ walks up ] I gotta talk to you about this hotel bill..
Tom Hanks: What, what, what? What is it? What do you want?
Lorne Michaels: I gotta talk to you about this hotel bill. $17,000 for room service. I mean, I don’t mean to be out of order here..
Tom Hanks: [ outraged ] Oh, you don’t mean to be out of order, but what do you call embarrassing me in front of my friends here?
Lorne Michaels: Tom, it’s not me, it’s the network..
Tom Hanks: Oh! You calling me a deadbeat?! You know, you’re a mutt, you know that?
Lorne Michaels: Hey, come on, Tom, come on..
Tom Hanks: [ smashes a bottle over Lorne’s head ] What do you mean?! What do you mean?! [ drags Lorne into the hall and punches the hell out of him before jumping back to Home Base ] Hey! Stick around, everybody, Bruce Springsteen is here, and we’ll be right back!