Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 19
Ross Perot For President
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
Ross Perot: Good evening, I’m Ross Perot. And I gotta tell you something. Now, what happened last week in Los Angeles scared me half to death! I’m telling you. Because what I saw was a country coming apart at the seams. And what I didn’t see was President Bush doing much anything about it. Now, first thing I would have done os got on a plane and gone straight to Los Angeles. ‘Cause I can’t deal with a problem unless I can feel it, touch it, taste, and touch it a little more. That’s right.
Now, at last count, there was $712 million in damage done during the L.A. riots. Well, see this right here? [ holds up check ] Now. alright. See, this here is a check for exactly $712 million. That’s right. It’s good, too. Now, I’ve got $3 billion more sitting back at home. So here it is, in cash, I’m taking care of everything. Everything’s covered, done deal, it’s over. What I’m saying right now is, “South Central L.A., problem’s solved!” This is a one-time deal. If you burn down a building tomorrow, that’s your problem! Okay.
Now, here’s what I’m gonna do – I’m gonna rebuild every building, state-of-the-art technology, put computers in every one of them, train the Crips, train the Bloods to operate the computers, put them to work competing against the Japanese. Now, this ain’t charity. Charity has its place, but not here. This here’s a business operation. You see, because I’m gonna take 5% of everything that goes through this operation from now through perpetuity. 5% right off the top. Business proposition, pure and simple. Same thing if you elect me President. Now, see here, Preident Bush gets $200,000 a year – forget it! If I’m President, we get 0% growth, you don’t pay me nothing. 1% growth? Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country and make 1% growth! So you don’t pay me dime one. Got my own plane, don’t need Air Force One. State Dinners? I’ll pay it, it’s nothing to me, sand on the beach! Now, don’t worry about ol’ Ross Perot, I got $3 billion back at home.
Now, here’s the deal. Here’s what I’m trying to tell you. 3% growth in our economy, $120 billion growth in our GNP – I get a billion dollars. Now, think about it, that’s a bargain! You’re up $119 billion. I’m telling you, 2.99% growth, I don’t see a penny, not one red cent. But don’t feel sorry for me – I got $3 billion. I’m gonna be fine.
Now, this here’s a business proposition. Now, see, 4% growth, you pay me $20 billion. The way I see it, you’re ahead $140 billion, see? Now, this ain’t no golden parachute, this isn’t the President GM giving himself a big bonus when the company’s losing money sending jobs to Mexico. I get my money if and when you get yours.
Now, 5% growth, I get $50 billion. Everybody’s happy, see? See, that’s it, it’s all right there just lied out on the table, you can take it or leave it, I don’t care. I’m gonna do fine, I got $3 billion sitting in the bank.
Now, I bought four minutes of national airtime to lay this out for y’all, and I see I got about 30 seconds left here, which I sold on contingency to the Munsenwear people. [ reads from card ] “Munsenwear, the underwear for the active man. Cut generously with a double-flap pouch for extra comfort. 100% cotton to prevent shrinkage. Munsenwear, because you don’t want your underwear to be like an Apache creeping up on you when you least expect it.” Thank you.
Announcer: Paid for by the Perot For President Committee, and Munsenwear.
Ross Perot: Now, I see I still have five seconds left, and I can’t deal with five seconds unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, eat it, and pass it through my lower intestine. But, you know what? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiigghhhhttt!!“