Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 19
91s: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen
Sabra Price Is Right
Uri Shurinson (Host)…..Tom Hanks
Harvey (Announcer)…..Rob Smigel
Contestant #1…..Siobhan Fallon
Contestant #2…..Chris Farley
Contestant #3…..Kevin Nealon
Stagehand #1…..Adam Sandler
Stagehand #2…..Rob Schneider
Contestant #4 (Jennifer Hughes)…..Julia Sweeney
Contestant #5 (Kevin Stubbs)…..Chris Rock
Contestant #6 (Eric Stegman)…..Mike Myers
Contestant #7 (Kalid Abdul Adiz)…..Dana Carvey
[Shot: Sabra Price Is Right game show set]
Harvey: Live from 47th Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue-you can’t miss it!-it’s SABRA PRICE IS RIGHT! Alright so let’s go with the game then. Here is the host, URI SHURINSON![Uri enters set]
Uri: Alright-alright-alright! Good-good-good! Yes-yes, welcome-welcome to Sabra Price Is Right! I am Uri! Okay so we show you beautiful merchandise; and you people, you guess price. So okay let’s look at first merchandise![Shot: cheap-looking clock-radio]
Harvey: Alright is Summit clock-radio! Clock-radio from Summit! Is good!
Uri: Okay-okay now who can tell me the correct price for the clock-radio? [To Contestant #1] You!
Contestant #1: I’ll guess $25.
Uri: What-what-what-what!? What you mean!? What you mean $25!?
Contestant #1: I don’t know-
Uri: Is a Summit clock-radio! Is great merchandise!
Contestant #1: Okay-$35?
Uri: Oh, $35! I don’t believe this! Alright-alright someone else! [Moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!
Contestant #2: I don’t know.$40?
Uri: $40 for a clock-radio!!??
Contestant #2: Uh, it doesn’t seem like-er-what’s it worth, really?
Uri: What is it worth!? Over $200! I sell it for less, you see!
Contestant #2: Okay, $75.
Uri: Oh! This is an insult, an insult! [moves on to Contestant #3] Okay, you! You!
Contestant #3: So it’s worth more than $75?
Uri: Yes-yes! At least $150!
Contestant #3: How about $80?
Uri: Alright-alright-alright $80. Is good, is good. [Takes Contestant #3 by the arm and drags him onstage.] Okay congratulations. [They are joined by two Stagehands, who bring on the clock-radio.] Nice clock-radio; and you give a check to my wife backstage.
Contestant #3: No, no, no-what check? I don’t want to buy it!
Uri: What do you mean? You asked for a deal!
Contestant #3: No, no, no. This is a game show-![Uri and the Stagehands chatter in Hebrew, while Contestant #3 is escorted backstage.]
Uri: Okay Harvey we need a new contestant!
Harvey: Okay so Jennifer Hughes, come on let’s go!
Uri: Alright; come-on-come-on-come-on; go-go-go-go-go-go; alright-alright; so-so, welcome-welcome!
Contestant #4: Hi, I’m a teacher from Northport-!
Uri: [cutting her off] No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no; please, this we do not care about. Just look at the item and guess price, alright?
Harvey: Is satellite dish from Pinnacle![Shot: worn-out and rusted V-aerial]
Uri: Pinnacle satellite dish, beautiful, for TV! Who is guessing, huh? Who, you? Let’s go, let’s go!
Contestant #1: I don’t think that looks like a satellite dish.
Uri: What-what-what you don’t think?! Huh?!
Contestant #1: Don’t they rotate?
Uri: Oh so now I have to explain how a satellite works?? Now come-on-come-on this is thousands of dollars! I don’t have time! [moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!
Contestant #2: Well, thousands?
Uri: Yes-yes of course!
Contestant #2: It’s just.. I never heard of the company Pinnacle.
Uri: So? Pinnacle is good company! Inside is same as Toshiba! TOSHIBA GUTS! Is same thing!
Contestant #2: Will it help me get channels?
Uri: It won’t hurt you getting channels. It won’t hurt-this is Pinnacle! Why should it? Now-now come on, come on! So make a bid, come on!
Contestant #2: Okay, $200.
Uri: No-no this is an insult; I quit this game show.
Contestant #2: $220?
Uri: Alright, price is right; very good, very good. [Taking Contestant #2’s arm, Uri herds him onto the stage, where both Stagehands rejoin them.] Come on, come on; get up here; let’s go, let’s go. Nice satellite dish; and you give a check to my wife backstage.
Contestant #2: But I don’t want to buy it!
Uri: It’s already wrapped!
Stagehand #2: It’s already on the truck!
Contestant #2: Yeah, well, I don’t want to buy it!
Stagehand #1: It’s wrapped and on the truck!
Uri: Look-look-look-look-look, you just go backstage and give a check to my wife okay? Alright Harvey next person![Contestant #2 continues to protest as both Stagehands, jabbering in Hebrew, escort him backstage.]
Harvey: Okay so Kevin Stubbs, come down let’s go![Kevin Stubbs, AKA Contestant #5, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #2’s mark. Uri gazes at Contestant #5 suspiciously, while summoning Stagehand #1. Stagehand #1 comes over to stand at Uri’s side.]
Uri: [to Stagehand #1, indicating Contestant #5] Watch him. [Stagehand #1 just stands there looking at Contestant #5] Well? Go-go-go now! Go now! [Stagehand #1 moves back from Uri’s side and goes over to stand near Contestant #5.] Okay let’s see next beautiful item![Stagehand #1 stands right by Contestant #5, just staring right at him.]
Contestant #5: What are you looking at?
Stagehand #1: Nothing; I’m just standing here that’s all.
Uri: Come on come on, alright item please![Shot: rotary phone; the cord for its receiver has been ripped out]
Harvey: Is cordless telephone! No more cord for telephone!
Uri: [to Contestant #4] So you are very, very pretty so let’s go out.
Contestant #4: Oh, uh.I-I’m really here more to-
Uri: What, you don’t want to go out? Come on let’s go! We’ll go Disco![Both Stagehands walk up and begin adlibbing “Let’s go disco! We’ll goDisco!”]
Contestant #5: Uh, I got a guess-!
Contestant #1: My buzzer’s not working.
Uri: What-what-what you mean your buzzer? What happened, what happened to your buzzer? What happened, you broke buzzer? Okay, now you pay for.
Contestant #1: Pay for it!?
Uri: Yes-yes! You-Broke-You-Buy, it’s the rule!
Contestant #1: What am I going to do with a buzzer from a game show!!??
Uri: [demonstrating for her] Well why did you push so hard!? You push so hard!! Why did you push so hard!? You don’t have to push so hard!! You just tap; see, you just tap; see, you tap. But you, you push; you break it, you break it! [Pulls her onstage by the arm] Okay come on; you go give a check to my wife backstage. That’s a brand new buzzer!
Contestant #1: I thought this was supposed to be The Price Is Right!!
Uri: Is SABRA Price Is Right! Is same thing!
Contestant #1: What happened to Bob Barker!?
Uri: I am same person!! [Turns her around and sends her backstage]Alright-alright-alright new contestant Harvey!
Harvey: Alright so Eric Stegman! Come down let’s go![Contestant #6, AKA Eric Stegman, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #1’s mark; he is carrying a cheap-looking CD player. A look of recognition crosses Uri’s face.]
Uri: Now you look familiar.
Contestant #6: Yeah well, uh, I’m really just here to return something.
Uri: What-what-what you mean? What-what-what return!?
Contestant #6: Well, uh-I “won” this CD player. [shows it to Uri].
Uri: Yes-yes, beautiful, yes!
Contestant #6: Yeah, well it cost $500. Now I checked around, okay, and it retails at $216.
Uri: Oh, we are not retailers.
Contestant #6: Yeah, okay, yeah.and it doesn’t work. Also, you said it had Sony guts.
Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. What I said was, is like Sony guts. That was what I said.
Contestant #6: No, sorry; no, no, no.
Uri: Well what is your point!? When did you drop it?
Contestant #6: No, no.I didn’t drop it, okay? It’s not even a CD player. It’s a child’s bank!
Uri: Well this is what I told you, that it’s a display model. Yes!
Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no; you didn’t tell me; no, no, no, no, no, no.!
Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, I did.Look-No, I did-I remember what I told you. I told you it was a child’s bank, not real CD!
Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sorry!
Uri: I remember distinctly! Look-look-look-look, you are here to play the game. Harvey next item please![Shot: cheap-looking toaster-oven]
Harvey: Microwave from GE! Is General Electric! Very good!
Uri: [to Contestant #4] So when are we going to disco? Hm?
Contestant #4: Oh-uh, we-we’re not going.[Uri is joined by both Stagehands, who stand behind and to the side ofContestant #4.]
Uri: What do you mean? To disco!
Stagehand #1: Disco!
Stagehand #1: Good!
Stagehand #2: Disco!
Stagehand #2: Good!
Both Stagehands: Disco!
Both Stagehands: Good![They continue chanting and disco-dancing for several more seconds.]
Uri: Alright, alright; alright, alright-Microwave, very expensive! Who is guessing?
Contestant #5: Hey, uh, what happened to the cordless phone?
Uri: Alright look-look-look just take it okay? Just take it, take it; you win, you win. [He shoves the phone into Contestant #5’s hands.] Yes okay go-go-go-go; out! [He rushes him from the buzzer toward Stagehand #1, who catches the Contestant by the shoulders.] Goodbye-goodbye-goodbye-goodbye!
Contestant #5: [to Stagehand #1] you don’t have to touch me! [He is led off by the Stagehand.]
Uri: Alright Harvey next person!
Harvey: Kalid Abdul Adiz![Contestant #7, AKA Kalid Abdul Adiz, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #5’s mark; Uri wonders how an Arab got on his show.]
Contestant #7: Alright!
Uri: What-what is this!? How can you get to play!!??
Contestant #7: I am in audience!
Uri: Alright okay look-Microwave?
Contestant #7: $20?
Uri: What you mean, $20!? This is microwave! You are crazy!! This is General Electric microwave!!
Contestant #7: No it is not! Impossible!
Uri: Oh I don’t believe this! I don’t want to play. [Both he and Contestant #7 throw their hands up in disgust.]
Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!
Uri: I don’t want to play!!
Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!!!
Uri: Alright so let’s disco! [He starts dancing.] Disco-disco! Good-good! Disco-disco good-good! [He is joined by Contestant #7, and by both Stagehands.]
Harvey: This has been Sabra Price Is Right! See you next time!Disco-disco-good-good![Uri, the Stagehands and Contestant #7 continue disco-dancing on the set.]
Submitted by: Patrick Jackson