SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Take Your Shirt Off



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20











91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Take Your Shirt Off

Brian…..Woody Harrelson
Sully…..Chris Farley
Jerry…..Kevin Nealon
Charlie…..Adam Sandler
Male Passerby…..Tim Meadows
Steve…..Mike Myers
Brad…..Dana Carvey
Female Passerby #1…..Ellen Cleghorne
Female Passerby #2…..Siobhan Fallon
Friend…..David Spade

[ open on a group of guys standing and sitting along parts of a boardwalk along the beach ]

Brian: Ahhhh.. what a perfect day! [ the other guys agree ] It’s beautiful! Time to catch a few rays, huh? [ removes his shirt, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest ] Ah, that feels good! [ looks at Sully, who appears to be feeling glum ] What’s the matter, Sully? Take your shirt off. I mean, don’t you want to get some color?

Sully: Uh.. I don’t know, I, uh..

Brian: Come on! The sun’s boiling!

Sully: ell, as you know, I have a slight weight problem.. and, uh.. I don’t exactly love the idea of taking my shirt off and exposing my fatty pads to the rest of the beach.

Brian: Get out of here! No one would even care! I mean, come on, the beach is for getting tanned! You gotta take your shirt off – and, believe me.. you’re not that heavy. And i’m sure you’d look just fine with your shirt off.

Sully: You really think so, Brian?

Brian: Yeahhh, of course! Come on, take your shirt off, enjoy. Huh?

Sully: Okay, Brian, I will.. [ removes his shirt, letting his flabby skin soak up the sun ]

Brian: Hey, hey! You look great!

Sully: You know something, Brian? I feel great! [ gives Brian a bear hug ]

Brian: [ frees himself from Sully’s grip ] You nut!

Jerry: [ moves toward Sully ] It feels good? The sun?

Sully: It feels warm.. warm on my skin.

Jerry: Warm on the skin?

Sully: Yeah.

Jerry: Must feel great.

Brian: Well, take your shirt off – find out!

Jerry: [ blushing ] No, no, no, I can’t! Thanks, that’s alright, though..

Brian: What do you mean? Take off your shirt, it’s too nice out here!

Jerry: Oh, no, no.. I’d rather not..

Brian: What?!

Jerry: Ah, it’s just that, you know.. my body is kind of hairy, it’s a little embarrassing..

Brian: Hairy?! So what?! Girls love hair on guys!

Jerry: Uh.. I’ve got a lot of hiar.

Jerry: The more the merrier! Look at Andy Garcia or Alec Baldwin. Total hair!

Jerry: [ curiosity piqued ] Really? Girls.. girls like hair?

Brian: Yeah!

Jerry: So hairy bodies are good?

Brian: Definitely!

Jerry: Then.. why should I keep my shirt on? [ unzips his windbreaker and removes it, revealing massive thick hair pouring from every inch of his body ] Does that look hairy?

Brian: [ shakes head ] Did Burt Reynolds just ask me a question!

Jerry: [ confused ] No..?

Brian: ‘Cause you look just exactly like Burt Reynolds!

Jerry: [ brimming with newfound confidence ] I am! I am Burt Reynolds!

Brian: I thought you were!

Jerry: [ snickering, unable to keep from blowing his cover ] I’m just kidding, Brian – it’s me! Jerry!

Brian: Aw, Jerry, you got me! [ laughing ]

Jerry: I love the sun on my skin! I just love it!

Charlie: [ looking over at Jerry ] Hey, it looks like it’s, uh.. fun having your shirt off in the sun..

Jerry: Oh! It is fun, Charlie! It’s a whole lot of fun!

Charlie: Oh boy, I don’t know what to do..

Brian: What do you mean you don’t know what to do? What you do is, you take your shirt off! It’s as simple as that!

Charlie: [ stammering ] Aw, no no, not me! Thanks, but no thanks! That’s-

Brian: Charlie, take off your shirt! What’s with you?

Charlie: Well, I-I.. [ whispers ] I just have a kind of funny belly button.. [ laugh ] I don’t think that-

Brian: What?

Charlie: Well, it’s kind of an outie.. [ laughs ] I don’t think I sh-

Brian: An outie?! Who’s even gonna at your bely button, Charlie? I mean, come on!

Charlie: Well.. okay, here we go.. [ laughs ] ..but this feels silly.. [ removes his shirt, revealing an outie belly button sticking out at least 12 inches ] Does it look bad?

Brian: [ trying not to look ] Does what look bad? [ points at Charlie’s outie ] Oh, that? No! What, no, it looks fine, you can’t even notice it!

[ shirtless Male Passerby walks past the boardwalk, stops to point at Charlie’s outie ]

Male Passerby: Hey. Can I put a bun and some mustard on that thing? I’m gettin’ kinda hungry.

Charlie: Heeey!

Brian: Come on, pal, beat it!

Male Passerby: Later, freaks! [ walks off ]

Charlie: [ ashamed ] Maybe I should put my shirt back on..

Brian: No, no, no, your outie is cool!

Jerry: Yeah. It’s very European.

Charlie: It is cool, my outie. It’s the coolest outie in the world!

Brian: Yeah, yeah.. finally, you’re getting a little sun on your outie.

Steve: [ calling from the bottom of the boardwalk ] Hey, Brian! Brian! Do you think I should take my shirt off?

Brian: Oh, definitely, Steve! Everybody’s doing it!

Steve: Okay.. [ removes his shirt, revealing two giant man breasts encompassed by thick hair ] Do they look funny? My breasts?

Brian: What? No, they look great.

Steve: No, they don’t. They look funny!

Brian: These are.. incredible ariolas. Do you have any idea how much a woman pays for those?

Steve: I know.. But they look pretty on women, not on men!

Brian: Well, now that is.. that is sexist, Steve! Are you a sexist?

Steve: Well.. no.. but-

Brian: Well, what you’re saying to me makes me think you’re a sexist!

Steve: Well.. I’m not a sexist.. [ triumphantly ] I’m a man, and I have breasts!

Brian: Right!

Steve: Yes! And the sun feels pretty darn good on my breasts! Real good!

Brian: Good!

Steve: Yes! Long live men with breasts!

Brian: Yeah!

Steve: Yea-ah! Yeah!

Brian: Hey, Brad? Why don’t you take your shirt off?

Brad: Uhhhh.. no.. I just had an operation, and.. you know.. it looks.. it looks a little messy.. [ chuckles ]

Brian: Oh yeah, yeah.. that baboon heart transplant, yeah.

Brad: Yeah, yeah..

Brian: Well, hell! I mean, you gotta take your shirt off sometime, why not now?

Brad: [ relunctant ] Do you think so?

Brian: Definitely! I mean.. look how much fun the other guys are having with their shirts off!

[ show the other guys rubbing lotion on their grotesque bodies, Charlie rubbing lotion back and forth on his extended outie ]

Brad: Yeah! I think.. I think you’re right! I’m gonna take off my shirt! [ removes his shirt, revealing babboon heart pumping on the left side of his chest ] Ohh.. ohh.. the sun feels good on my babboon heart!

[ a pair of women in bikins walk past the men ]

Female Passerby #1: Eeuuugghh!

Female Passerby #2: I am gonna be sick! What the hell is that?!

Brad: It’s my heart.. I got it from a babboon!

Female Passerby #1 & #2: Eeeuuugghh!!

Female Passerby #1: Well, why don’t you give it back to that ape over there?

Brad: Heeey!

Steve: Ladies.. just leave us alone!

Female Passerby #2: Hey? Weren’t you the on the cover of Jugs Magazine this month? Congratulations!

Sully: Hey, that’s not fair!

Female Passerby #2: Ugh!

[ the two women walk off ]

Brian: Hey.. guys, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that would happen. It’s not your fault..

[ David runs up to the guys ]

David: Hey, you guys.. what are you doing? You’ve gotta keep your shirts on.

Charlie: [ annoyed ] We’ve gotta keep our shirts on?

David: Yeah, yeah.. because of the Ozone hole, skin cancer is at an all-time peak! You’ll die!

Jerry: You mean.. we should put our shirts on?

David: Yes.. you should..

[ all the guys put their shirts back on, wrapping David in their arms and singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of