SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Dr. McAndrews…..Julia Sweeney
Raymond…..Phil Hartman
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I……Kevin Nealon
Rudy…..Woody Harrelson
Dr. Griffin…..Ellen Cleghorne
Co-Ed…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women’s Health Clinic ] [ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words “Baby Killers” spray-painted in red across the back wall ] [ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]

Dr. McAndrews: I just can’t believe this! They’ve vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!

Raymond: I’m sorry, Catherine.. there’s so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.

Dr. McAndrews: We can’t let them get away with this! We’ve gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That’s what I’m here for, Ma’am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.

[ return to full shot of the scene ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let’s have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it’s terrible. Well, you’re lucky about one thing – at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.

Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to “Baby Killers” grafitti on the wall ]

Dr. McAndrews: That isn’t a sign! That’s a criminal act! An outrage!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. “S” in “Killers” is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look – I’m not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I’m here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic’s governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.

Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl – such as yourself – who answers the phone and takes dictation. It’s a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by “secretary” is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.

Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic’s governing board, and this is my secretary – Raymond.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-

[ Gannon’s assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]

Rudy: Sorry, I’m late, Gannon. I didn’t realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don’t feel bad, Rudy, that’s a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.

Raymond: Uh, I don’t think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let’s review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we’ve got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.

Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.

Rudy: In order to impregnate them?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!

Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can’t you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?

Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?

[ Dr. McAndrews throws her arms up in disgust ]

Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news lately.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.

[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]

Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?

Dr. Griffin: Um.. I’m Dr. Janice Griffin.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?

Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I’m a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?

Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?

Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ] [ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: And now a scene from next week’s episode of “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.”

[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?

Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?

Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?

Co-Ed: You’re an idiot!!

[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]

Announcer: Next week on “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!”

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x