Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 20
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.
Dr. McAndrews…..Julia Sweeney
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I……Kevin Nealon
Dr. Griffin…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women’s Health Clinic ] [ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words “Baby Killers” spray-painted in red across the back wall ] [ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]
Dr. McAndrews: I just can’t believe this! They’ve vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!
Raymond: I’m sorry, Catherine.. there’s so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.
Dr. McAndrews: We can’t let them get away with this! We’ve gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That’s what I’m here for, Ma’am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.[ return to full shot of the scene ]
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let’s have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it’s terrible. Well, you’re lucky about one thing – at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.
Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to “Baby Killers” grafitti on the wall ]
Dr. McAndrews: That isn’t a sign! That’s a criminal act! An outrage!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. “S” in “Killers” is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look – I’m not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I’m here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic’s governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.
Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl – such as yourself – who answers the phone and takes dictation. It’s a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by “secretary” is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.
Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic’s governing board, and this is my secretary – Raymond.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-[ Gannon’s assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]
Rudy: Sorry, I’m late, Gannon. I didn’t realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don’t feel bad, Rudy, that’s a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.
Raymond: Uh, I don’t think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let’s review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we’ve got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.
Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.
Rudy: In order to impregnate them?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!
Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can’t you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?
Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?
Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news lately.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]
Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?
Dr. Griffin: Um.. I’m Dr. Janice Griffin.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?
Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I’m a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?
Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?
Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ] [ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: And now a scene from next week’s episode of “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.”[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?
Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?
Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?
Co-Ed: You’re an idiot!![ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: Next week on “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!”