SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 05/16/92: Bad Expectant Mother


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Bad Expectant Mother

Marcy…..Victoria Jackson
George…..Woody Harrellson
Steve…..Phil Hartman
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following dramatization contains situations which may be disturbing to some viewers. It is presented as a service to “Saturday Night Live”.

[ dissolve to George’s kitchen, as Steve and Marcy enter ]

Marcy: Hi, George!

George: Oh, hey! Steve! Marcy! Come on in! [ rubs Marcy’s belly with the same hand he holds a lit cigarette in ] Ohhhh, wow! Marcy, you’re really coming along! How much longer?

Marcy: Three weeks!

Steve: Uh.. could you please put out that cigarette, George?

Marcy: It’s okay, sweetie..

Steve: Well! It’s okay for us.. but it’s not okay for that little guy in there. He’s breathing the same air you’re breathing. Now, come on, I’m serious, please!

George: Alright.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

Marcy: You’ll have to excuse, Steve.. he’s kind of a fanatic about this.

Steve: Well, there’s nothing fanatic about wanting a healthy child. [ looks at his watch ] Oh, I’m gonna go pick up Molly at her play group.

Marcy: Honey, they’re not done until noon.

Steve: I knowww.. but the other parents come in early, and a lot of them have colds. You know. Anyway.. [ kisses Marcy ] Back soon.

Marcy: Bye, honey.

[ Steve exits through the back door, as Marcy sighs ]

George: Boy! Mr. Worrywart, huh?

Marcy: Yeah.. He won’t even let me drink coffee.

George: Well, that’s too bad. I was just having a little cup, myself – a little Irish coffee.

Marcy: Oh.. It smells really good!

George: Hey, actually, wouldn’t Irish coffee be okay? I mean, I think the alcohol and the caffeine will probably just cancel each other out!

Marcy: [ cheering up ] I never thought of that! I’ll bet you’re right!

George: Absolutely!

Marcy: Neat!

George: [ hands Marcy a cup of coffee, and pours in whiskey to the top ] There you go – to the tippy-top! Alright, don’t worry about it, it’s our little secret – I won’t tell Steve.

Marcy: Okay!

George: Okay.

Marcy: It seems a little cold, though. Could you warm it up in the microwave for me?

George: Well.. not unless you can help me fix it, you know? I’ve been trying to glue something back on in the back, but my finger won’t reach around..

Marcy: Oh.. oh.. I’ll give it a try! [ grabs the glue, the excitement showing in her eyes ] Airplane glue! [ gives it a hearty sniff ] I always love the smell of this! [ sniffs it again ] It makes me a little light-headed, though! Okay, let me see what I can do.

George: Alright. [ opens the microwave door, as Marcy leans in with her stomach fitting perfectly inside the microwave ] Listen, uh.. do you see the part back there?

Marcy: Yeah, uh.. [ the power begins to crackle in and out, most notably inside the microwave where Marcy’s stomach is ] Near the collar! I think I’ve got it!

George: Yeah! Yeah! You got it! The power’s back on! alright, thanks a lot!

Marcy: [ pulls her stomach out of the microwave ] Oh, good! I love to fix things, only Steve doesn’t let me do anything around the house any more..

George: Ah..

Marcy: [ notices a car battery sitting in the table ] What’s this?

George: Oh. This? Well, that’s my, uh.. my old car battery. I’ve been meaning to take it downstairs, but.. it’s pretty heavy, and my back’s been bothering me..

Marcy: [ excited ] I’ll take it down for you!

George: Oh, really? Well, that would.. that would be great! Are you sure you don’t mind?

Marcy: No! [ lifts the heavy battery against her stomach ] I haven’t really exercised for a really long time..!

George: Alright. Well, okay.. watch out, watch out.. the light’s broken down there.

Marcy: Okay. [ enters the basement, but can be heard taking a tumble down the stairs ]

George: Hey! Are you alright?

Marcy: [ casually re-enters the kitchen ] Yeah.. oh, yeah.. I think.. my stomach broke the fall..

[ dissolve to Jon Lovitz standing alone, dressed to the hilt in a black tuxedo ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello.. I’m Jon Lovitz. That was my mother, thirty years ago. Fortunately, in my case, everything turned out alright. I was lucky. But if you are an expectant mother or father, please.. be careful. [ a beat ] Oh! And don’t miss the “Please Watch The Jon Lovitz Special”! Tomorrow night, on FOX!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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