Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 20
Gregor Voss…..Woody Harrelson
Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter.
It has been a very busy week here in Berlin. Jourgen vonKeitel’s exhibit “Scabs On Canvas” opened at the Schussel Calle,the Gertrude Bromf troupe previewed their performance in wax at theTheater of Unhappiness, and the Berlin wall was dismantled. For themasses the wall’s collapse represents freedom and opportunity. Butfor me, it is a chance to meet the most brilliant counterculturalfilmmaker in the East, Gregor Voss. Seen here on East Germantelevision last year, Voss, the suppressed visionary whose filmsinclude “The Dead Coat”, “Irritant Number 4”, and “Here Child,Finish Your Nothing”, he entered the West three days ago, and hasagreed to appear on Sprockets and speak with me, his greatest fan.Please welcome Gregor Voss.[ Gregor Voss steps out ]
Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets, Gregor Voss.
Gregor Voss: Whoo! Yah, is great to be here, Dieter.
Dieter: Gregor Voss, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?
Gregor Voss: This is fantastic I can’t believe I’m here! Hello West Berlin!Ich bin ein West Berliner!
Dieter: Tell me, in your film, Irritant Number 4, the only two images were a baby’s head and a toilet. Did you mean for me to scream?
Gregor Voss: Scream, ya, ya, ya. Look at this, look at this, Dieter, I’ve got great stuff here. Mountain Dew! A Remington Microscreen! They tell me it shaves as close as a blade.
Dieter: I see genius. By seemingly embracing the cliches of the West, he is underscoring its excruciating banality.
Gregor Voss: And look at this Dieter, it is a pie, but like no pie I have ever seen!
Dieter: Perfect. You are a master of, of exposing tedium. Let us look at a clip from one of your classic films.[ the clip is played ]
Dieter: That film looks at me while I am naked and calls it’s friends.
Gregor Voss: Touchdown! Hey Dieter, I figured the trick, everytime when the ? moves to the middle you should run a sweep to the right, it always works..
Dieter: Your story has become tiresome.
Offstage Voice: Hey Gregor, when are you going to be done?
Gregor Voss: Hey, just a minute guys. Dieter, do you want to come along with us? We rented a LeBaron.
Dieter: Excuse me Gregor, but you have disturbed me almost to the point of insanity. There, I am insane now. Gregor, you were the greatest altar of emptiness, my personal ?. And now I watch you drink beer from a hat.
Gregor Voss: That’s easy for you to say Dieter, you grew up with this stuff.
Dieter: I would never drink from headgear.
Gregor Voss: Ohh, I don’t feel so good…
Gregor Voss: I’m sorry, its just all that Mountain Dew, and then this pie..
Dieter: You may not touch my monkey. [In German]. You may not touch my monkey!
Gregor Voss: I’m going to be sick.
Dieter: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. That’s all the time we have, until next time, auf Wiedersehen!
Gregor Voss: Dieter, we’re meeting some girls, we’re meeting some girls later, come on Dieter!
Submitted by: Betty Smith