Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.
Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.
The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.
Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.
Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.
And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.
Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.
The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”
Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!
Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.
Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]
Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.
Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.
Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!
Superfans: Da Bulls!!
Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.
Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.
Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.
Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.
Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?
Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]
Carl Wollarski: My goodness!
Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-
Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?
Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..
Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..
Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?
Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar![ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]
Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?
Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.
Carl Wollarski: That’s right.
Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!
Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.
In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.
Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.
And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.
Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.
Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.
Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.
In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.
And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?
Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia![ singing ] [ picture of Ross Perot ]“Billionairo Ross Perot
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?” [ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
“[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]“El inferno!Violencia!
[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente” [ picture of Daryl Gates ]“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!” [ picture of Messier ]“Messier!
Il Cupo de Stanley
Arrividerci!” [ picture of Johnny Carson ]“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!” [ picture of SNL logo ]“Saturdia Noche Vive
Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.
The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.
Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.
The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.
Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.
Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.