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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Telegram Deliverer…..Rob Schneider
[ open on a married couple trying to think of a name for their unknown baby ]
Wife: I was thinking about Joseph.
Husband: [ turned off ] Joseph?
Wife: Yeah. Joseph.
Husband: Well.. it’s a nice name, but the kids are gonna call him “Joe Blow”. I mean, as long as you know that. Or “Sloppy Joe”, you know.. “How are Mr. & Mrs. Schmo?”
Wife: Well, I guess that’s true..
Husband: I mean, it’s a nice name.
Wife: Well, that’s alright. How about John? That’s nice and simple.
Husband: What, are you serious?
Wife: Well, yeah.
Husband: John? You want to do that to the kid?
Wife: Do what?
Husband: [ mimicking ] “Hey, John! Hey, let’s go to the john. Huh, John? Let’s go!”
Wife: Well.. wouldn’t he outgrow those jokes?
Husband: Look, kids are mean. I just want him to have a happy childhood, too.. but, “Long John Silver”? I mean, I don’t know what to say!
Wife: Okay, okay, okay.. Well.. um.. what about Peter?
Husband: Oh, right. Sure. Peter. Let’s just put him up for adoption right now, save the kid a lot of agony. I mean, obviously – no Peter, no Dick, no Rod! Can we just discuss this intelligently, please?
Wife: Yes, we can. [ thinking ] Okay.. um.. William.
Husband: William. Good. “Wee Willie!” “Chilly Willy!” “Willie Wonka! Hey! Where’s your chocolate factory?! Oompa-Loompa” every day of his life!
Wife: Ddi you get teased a lot as a kid?
Husband: [ defensive ] No, I did not. Did you tease a lot of kids? Because, judging from these names you’re picking, you don’t seem to be very sensitive.
Wife: Okay, I’ll just keep trying.. What about Fred?
Husband: [ sighing ] Please.. Fred, Frank.. lease, the F’s are no good. If he’s fat, it’s just a disaster.
Wife: Okay, alright. Um.. Sam?
Husband: Great. Sam. “Uncle Sam.” “I want you.. to be ostracized!“
Wife: Then, let’s Paul.
Husband: Right. Paul. “Hey, Paul, where’s Peter and Mary?!”
Husband: Peter, Paul and Mary. “Hey, Paul! Play me a folk song, and then I’ll beat the crap out of you!
Wife: Well, at this point, I’d just settle for anything. How about.. Jack?
Husband: [ thinking ] Hmm.. yeah.. yeah, Jack’s a fine name.
Husband: Oh, yeah.. as long as we make his middle name O’Lantern! Because that is what everyone’s gonna call him!
Wife: Okay.. fine.. what about ben?
Husband: Ben! Oh, fine, we’re giving birth to a big bear? Great! “Gentle Ben!” “Hey, Ben, where’s Jerry? Get me some ice cream, or I’ll beat the crap outta ya’!
Wife: We could call him “Benjamin”.
Husband: Sure. Benjamin. Harrison! “Hey, Benjamin, how’s that tariff coming?! Montana a state yet?!”
Wife: Well, what about.. Todd?
Husband: [ stretching for an excuse ] Todd.. Todd.. Tad! “Tadpole!” Our son’s a tadpole! “Hey, Tadpole, I don’t like you! Thank your parents!”
Wife: Now, come on, I said “Todd”, not “Tad”. You changed the name, that’s cheating.
Husband: Yeah, and it took five seconds. It might take a kid ten.
Wife: [ sighing ] Okay.. what about Harry?
Husband: “Hey, Harry, where are the Hendersons?!”
Wife: Oh, come on! Nobody even saw that movie!
Husband: Kids saw it! Alright, one more.. come on, we can do it..
Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.
Husband: “The Nate Rockne Story.” “Hey, Nate, where’s the Gipper?”
Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?
Wife: [ leafing through book ] I’m looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?
Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?
Wife: Bjaardker. It’s Icelandic.
Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that’s a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife’s belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.
Wife: I love you.
Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.
Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?
Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I’ve got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I’m supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] “Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane.” Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]
Husband: Uh.. listen.. that’s “Os-wee-pay“.
Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?
Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]
Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.
Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?
Wife: Oh, honey..[ fade ]