SNL Transcripts: Nicolas Cage: 09/26/92: Baby Names


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Baby Names

Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Husband…..Nicholas Cage
Telegram Deliverer…..Rob Schneider

[ open on a married couple trying to think of a name for their unknown baby ]

Wife: I was thinking about Joseph.

Husband: [ turned off ] Joseph?

Wife: Yeah. Joseph.

Husband: Well.. it’s a nice name, but the kids are gonna call him “Joe Blow”. I mean, as long as you know that. Or “Sloppy Joe”, you know.. “How are Mr. & Mrs. Schmo?”

Wife: Well, I guess that’s true..

Husband: I mean, it’s a nice name.

Wife: Well, that’s alright. How about John? That’s nice and simple.

Husband: What, are you serious?

Wife: Well, yeah.

Husband: John? You want to do that to the kid?

Wife: Do what?
Husband: [ mimicking ] “Hey, John! Hey, let’s go to the john. Huh, John? Let’s go!”

Wife: Well.. wouldn’t he outgrow those jokes?

Husband: Look, kids are mean. I just want him to have a happy childhood, too.. but, “Long John Silver”? I mean, I don’t know what to say!

Wife: Okay, okay, okay.. Well.. um.. what about Peter?

Husband: Oh, right. Sure. Peter. Let’s just put him up for adoption right now, save the kid a lot of agony. I mean, obviously – no Peter, no Dick, no Rod! Can we just discuss this intelligently, please?

Wife: Yes, we can. [ thinking ] Okay.. um.. William.

Husband: William. Good. “Wee Willie!” “Chilly Willy!” “Willie Wonka! Hey! Where’s your chocolate factory?! Oompa-Loompa” every day of his life!

Wife: Ddi you get teased a lot as a kid?

Husband: [ defensive ] No, I did not. Did you tease a lot of kids? Because, judging from these names you’re picking, you don’t seem to be very sensitive.

Wife: Okay, I’ll just keep trying.. What about Fred?

Husband: [ sighing ] Please.. Fred, Frank.. lease, the F’s are no good. If he’s fat, it’s just a disaster.

Wife: Okay, alright. Um.. Sam?

Husband: Great. Sam. “Uncle Sam.” “I want you.. to be ostracized!

Wife: Then, let’s Paul.

Husband: Right. Paul. “Hey, Paul, where’s Peter and Mary?!”

Wife: What?

Husband: Peter, Paul and Mary. “Hey, Paul! Play me a folk song, and then I’ll beat the crap out of you!

Wife: Well, at this point, I’d just settle for anything. How about.. Jack?

Husband: [ thinking ] Hmm.. yeah.. yeah, Jack’s a fine name.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Oh, yeah.. as long as we make his middle name O’Lantern! Because that is what everyone’s gonna call him!

Wife: Okay.. fine.. what about ben?

Husband: Ben! Oh, fine, we’re giving birth to a big bear? Great! “Gentle Ben!” “Hey, Ben, where’s Jerry? Get me some ice cream, or I’ll beat the crap outta ya’!

Wife: We could call him “Benjamin”.

Husband: Sure. Benjamin. Harrison! “Hey, Benjamin, how’s that tariff coming?! Montana a state yet?!”

Wife: Well, what about.. Todd?

Husband: [ stretching for an excuse ] Todd.. Todd.. Tad! “Tadpole!” Our son’s a tadpole! “Hey, Tadpole, I don’t like you! Thank your parents!”

Wife: Now, come on, I said “Todd”, not “Tad”. You changed the name, that’s cheating.

Husband: Yeah, and it took five seconds. It might take a kid ten.

Wife: [ sighing ] Okay.. what about Harry?

Husband: “Hey, Harry, where are the Hendersons?!”

Wife: Oh, come on! Nobody even saw that movie!

Husband: Kids saw it! Alright, one more.. come on, we can do it..

Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.

Husband: “The Nate Rockne Story.” “Hey, Nate, where’s the Gipper?”

Wife: What?

Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?

Wife: [ leafing through book ] I’m looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?

Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?

Wife: Bjaardker. It’s Icelandic.

Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that’s a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife’s belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.

Wife: Alright.

Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?

Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I’ve got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I’m supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] “Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane.” Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]

Husband: Uh.. listen.. that’s “Os-wee-pay“.

Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?

Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]

Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.

Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?

Wife: Oh, honey..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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