Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Tiny Elvis…..Nicolas Cage
[ open on Tiny Elvis’s mansion, Tiny E. and the boys in the living room ]
Tiny Elvis: Hey, Sonny, Red, you boys having a good time?
Red: Count on it, Tiny Elvis.
Sonny: Takin’ care of business, Tiny E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s good man, that’s real good. Hey, Sonny, Red! Look how big that lamp is, man! That’s hu-u-uge!
Sonny: [ laughs ]
Red: That’s right, E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, man, I don’t know how I’d ever turn that thing off, man. That is enormous!
Sonny: That’s right, Elvis, that’s a big lamp! [ slaps his knee ]
Tiny Elvis: Sure is, man. That’s a really big lamp!
Red: That’s hilarious, Elvis!
Sonny: Yeah, Elvis, you’re really funny!
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man.. look at that salt shaker, man. That is huge! Man, I’ll never be able to use all that salt, man. That is way too much!
Red: Yeah, that’s a big salt shaker, Elvis!
Tiny Elvis: Sure is huge, man.
Sonny: That’s hilarious, Elvis!
Red: Score another one for the Tiny E!
Sonny: Man, we can’t keep up with you!
Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying it’s a big salt shaker, that’s all.
Red: [ laughing ] There he goes again! That’s why he’s the Tiny E.
Sonny: Hey, stand next to it. Come on, E, that’d be real cute!
Tiny Elvis: [ taking offense ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, man?
Sonny: What’s the matter, Tiny E?
Tiny Elvis: What, are you calling me “cute”, man?
Sonny: I’m sorry, Tiny E..
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I’m not cute! I’m a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!
Sonny: I’m sorry. Sorry.
Tiny Elvis: Well, I could split your lip in 79 kicks, man!
Red: Well, he didn’t mean anything by it, Tiny Elvis.
Tiny Elvis: Well, alright.. let’s go for a ride.
Red: I’m with you, Elvis.
Sonny: Count me in, Tiny E.
Tiny Elvis: Well, tell Joe to bring the car around.[ the scene shifts to the boys riding with Tiny Elvis in his car. Tiny Elvis stands atop the dashboard. ]
Tiny Elvis: Turn left here, man!
Driver: You’re the man, Elvis.
Sonny: Good call, Tiny King.
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man! Look at that knob on that radio! Man, that is hu-u-uge![ the boys laugh ]
Sonny: Man, you’re going tonight, Tiny E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying that’s a big knob, that’s all. Alright, it looks pretty dead out. Tiny E’s gonna get some shuteye. [ curls up on the dashboard ]
Driver: You do that, Tiny E!
Sonny: Oh, look at him, Red. That’s adorable!
Red: Yeah, he looks like a tiny mouse.
Driver: You know what would be really cute? If Elvis would lay his little head down on a miniature marshmallow.
Red: [ laughing ] Hey, put a little acorn on his head and use it for a helmet![ the boys laugh harder ]
Sonny: Man, he’s so cute, he’s like a buttercup![ the boys keep laughing, as Tiny Elvis wakes up ]
Tiny Elvis: Oh, what’s that, man? What’s this buttercup stuff, man?
Driver: Oh.. we’re sorry, Elvis.. We thought you was asleep..
Tiny Elvis: [ outraged ] What, you doing that again?! Who’s the buttercup, ME?!
Sonny: We’re sorry, Elvis..
Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s it! Out of the car, all of you![ the Driver slams on the brakes and they all exit the car ]
Red: Good call.
Sonny: You’re the King, Tiny E![ the scene shifts to Tiny Elvis kneeling against the dashboard, with one hand gripped to the steering wheel ]
Tiny Elvis: Oh, man! Look at this steering wheel! That is hu-u-uge!![ fade ]