Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Nicolas Cage’s Monologue
Nicolas Cage: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! First show, 18th season, that to me is cool! Come on! You know, this has really been a terrific Fall – I’ve got a hit movie out, “Honey moon In Vegas”.. but, for me, the most fun thing about the movie was working with Sarah Jessica Parker. I mean, she was real funny, and really great.. and she has the most beautiful, big breasts. I mean, they were so pretty, and I was, like, this close to them every day! It was just.. it was so fun! The last time I had that much fun, it was “Moonstruck”, because Cher has this, this really incredibly, beautiful ass! I mean, it’s so great! I have to tell you – if you ever see Cher in peron, do yourself a favor, get up close to her and see for yourself. But I think it would really be unfair if I didn’t mention Kathleen Turner..
Director’s Voice: [ interrupting ] Uh.. Nick.
Nicolas Cage: Yeah? Davey.
Director’s Voice: Could you come backstage for a minute, I think Lorne wants to talk to you.
Nicolas Cage: Uh.. okay. [ to the audience ] I’ll be right back. [ walks past a female page ] It’s going pretty good, huh? I was a little nervous at first.. but once I got rolling – POW!! [ reaches Lorne in the hall ] Hi! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Nick, thanks for coming back. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Nicolas Cage: Okay, but if it’s not too long, because I really don’t want to lose the audience.
Lorne Michaels: Look, Nick, I think you should stop talking about your leading ladies’.. body parts.
Nicolas Cage: Okay.. um.. may I ask why?
Lorne Michaels: Well, I-I-I think the audience kind of finds that offensive.
Nicolas Cage: Wh-hy? It’s true, isn’t it? What, am I wrong about Sarah’s breasts? They’re beautiful, aren’t they?
Lorne Michaels: Uh.. of course, Sarah’s breasts are beautiful. I just don’t want the audience to think you’re sexist.
Nicolas Cage: Sexist?! I’m not sexist! That’s the last thing I am!
Lorne Michaels: Alright, Nick. If you’re going to talk about killer bods, I think you should mention.. Sophia Coppola.
Nicolas Cage: [ outraged, grabs Lorne ] HEY!! THAT’S MY COUSIN!!
Lorne Michaels: You see..? I-I-I-I did that to prove a point. You see, when you’re talking about someone that’s close to you, it’s different, isn’t it?
Nicolas Cage: [ now understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, you’re right! Oh, God! They must hate me! I mean, what are we going to do?!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
Nicolas Cage: [ nervous ] Well, they-they-they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!
Lorne Michaels: No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.
Nicolas Cage: Well, maybe if I just go out, and retract everything, just take it all back..
Lorne Michaels: No, no.. I think dropping the whole subject is the way to go.
Nicolas Cage: No, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Okay.
Chris Farley: [ excited to see Cage walk past him ] Hey, the monologue’s going great, man![ Cage returns to Home Base ]
Nicolas Cage: Uh.. uh, one thing I forgot to mention – James Caan is also in the movie.. and he has the best ass! Believe me, Cher’s got nothing on James Caan! Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Bobby Brown is here! Great ass!! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!