SNL Transcripts: Nicolas Cage: 09/26/92: Nicolas Cage’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nicolas Cage’s Monologue

…..Nicolas Cage
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chris Farley

Nicolas Cage: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! First show, 18th season, that to me is cool! Come on! You know, this has really been a terrific Fall – I’ve got a hit movie out, “Honey moon In Vegas”.. but, for me, the most fun thing about the movie was working with Sarah Jessica Parker. I mean, she was real funny, and really great.. and she has the most beautiful, big breasts. I mean, they were so pretty, and I was, like, this close to them every day! It was just.. it was so fun! The last time I had that much fun, it was “Moonstruck”, because Cher has this, this really incredibly, beautiful ass! I mean, it’s so great! I have to tell you – if you ever see Cher in peron, do yourself a favor, get up close to her and see for yourself. But I think it would really be unfair if I didn’t mention Kathleen Turner..

Director’s Voice: [ interrupting ] Uh.. Nick.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah? Davey.

Director’s Voice: Could you come backstage for a minute, I think Lorne wants to talk to you.

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. okay. [ to the audience ] I’ll be right back. [ walks past a female page ] It’s going pretty good, huh? I was a little nervous at first.. but once I got rolling – POW!! [ reaches Lorne in the hall ] Hi! Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Nick, thanks for coming back. I wanted to talk to you about something.

Nicolas Cage: Okay, but if it’s not too long, because I really don’t want to lose the audience.

Lorne Michaels: Look, Nick, I think you should stop talking about your leading ladies’.. body parts.

Nicolas Cage: Okay.. um.. may I ask why?

Lorne Michaels: Well, I-I-I think the audience kind of finds that offensive.

Nicolas Cage: Wh-hy? It’s true, isn’t it? What, am I wrong about Sarah’s breasts? They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. of course, Sarah’s breasts are beautiful. I just don’t want the audience to think you’re sexist.

Nicolas Cage: Sexist?! I’m not sexist! That’s the last thing I am!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, Nick. If you’re going to talk about killer bods, I think you should mention.. Sophia Coppola.

Nicolas Cage: [ outraged, grabs Lorne ] HEY!! THAT’S MY COUSIN!!

Lorne Michaels: You see..? I-I-I-I did that to prove a point. You see, when you’re talking about someone that’s close to you, it’s different, isn’t it?

Nicolas Cage: [ now understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, you’re right! Oh, God! They must hate me! I mean, what are we going to do?!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.

Nicolas Cage: [ nervous ] Well, they-they-they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!

Lorne Michaels: No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.

Nicolas Cage: Well, maybe if I just go out, and retract everything, just take it all back..

Lorne Michaels: No, no.. I think dropping the whole subject is the way to go.

Nicolas Cage: No, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Okay.

Chris Farley: [ excited to see Cage walk past him ] Hey, the monologue’s going great, man!

[ Cage returns to Home Base ]

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. uh, one thing I forgot to mention – James Caan is also in the movie.. and he has the best ass! Believe me, Cher’s got nothing on James Caan! Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Bobby Brown is here! Great ass!! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Robert e lee
Robert e lee
1 year ago

Thanks for sharing that, Don Roy. Although I’m now an old man, that little discussion of a real situation from live TV just made me realize how lucky I was that my dad wouldn’t let my step-grandpa put me in pictures. You all are so professional and I can’t even imagine/don’t want to imagine what it might be like to turn off an audience/bomb in front of an audience/or, worst of all, misread an audience and be left standing there. There is simply no place to hide what the red light is on. They still managed to get me in front of a camera for the shortest of moments back around 1963 or so on truth or Consequences with Bob Barker. If you remember the era, even small prizes could really jack up the audience or worst still, a family member with something at stake. I was picked to be taken into a room, sat down on a sofa and Paul Winchell walked in and put his Winchell Mahoney doll right next to me…and then he walked out. Each mother was given the option of predicting: will your child talk or not talk. I’m sure you’ve seen how well most mothers know their kids. Anyway, with a trip to Mammoth and $50 bucks on the line, she firmly said I would cry; nay, I would ball my eyes out. It didn’t take 5 seconds for the door to shut before I just screamed bloody murder and the audience was howling and my mom was mortified. She was forced to say I wouldn’t talk-but she knew. Her consolation prize was a vacuum cleaner-which, by the ’70s, was worth more! Anyway, I remember us driving up Gower to the 101 Freeway and she kept going on about how I cost her a trip to Mammoth. Aaaaah, show business <lol>

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