Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Leon Norwood…..Nicolas Cage
Undecided Male Voter 1…..Chris Farley
Undecided Male Voter 2…..Adam Sandler
Undecided Female Voter 1…..Melanie Hutsell
Undecided Male Voter 3…..Rob Schneider
Beverly Timko…..Julia Sweeney
Undecided Female Voter 2…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on Ted Koppel standing in front of a brick wall ]
Ted Koppel: The presidential election is just thirty-eight days away. And, still, many viewers remain undecided, disillusioned and alienated. Candidates on both sides find themselves in the position of a young man dating a very neurotic woman: He can wine her, dine her, and sweet talk her all he wants, but he still might not get any. Tonight, a cross-section of these undecided voters are in our studio, and they’ll be given a chance to do something unusual in a presidential campaign: They’ll talk directly to one of the candidates, and voice their concerns.[ dissolve to “Nightline” logo ] [ dissolve back to Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel. And thiiiis… is “Nightline”. Our guest tonight is Gov. Bill Clinton, who is joined by his wife Hillary. Welcome, Gov. and Mrs. Clinton.[ pan to reveal Bill and Hillary Clinton, as Bill stands to take his own podium ]
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Ted. I appreciate the chance to be here tonight to talk to these nice people about the REAL issue in this campaign: the economy.
Ted Koppel: Well, Governor, let’s take our first question from one of our undecided voters. Yes, Sir?
Leon Norwood: Hello, Governor. My name is Leon Norwood. I heard you say in a speech you were gonna cut middle-class taxes to increase consumer spending.
Bill Clinton: Yes.
Leon Norwood: Well… isn’t that the same old tax-and-spend we always hear?
Bill Clinton: Well, Leon, I meant we would cut your taxes, so you would have more to spend.
Leon Norwood: There it is! “Tax” and “Spend”.
Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, if I may, Sir. [ to Leon ] Just because the words “tax” and “spend” appear in the same sentence, it doesn’t make it a bad thing. There are other words in there — verbs and modifiers that change the meaning.
Bill Clinton: Well, actually, Ted, Leon has a really good point, and I apologize if I haven’t made myself understood. [ Hillary smiles at Bill ] Our economic plan would include a middle-class tax cut, investment in the infrastructure, education and job training paid for by taxes on the rich.
Ted Koppel: [ to Leon ] Does that help at all?
Leon Norwood: No. I’m sorry, I’m just not satisfied with your answer. I wish I could be… but I’m not.[ Leon storms off the stage ]
Ted Koppel: Alright. Do we have a question for Mr. Clinton? Yes, Sir?
Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh-uhhhh… yeah… uh — I was watching television, and, uh — that thing in New York? Where you got the job that you got now? And, uh, everybody talked about how you’re gonna, uh, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and, uh — do — do real good. You know, where all those guys were in New York?
Ted Koppel: The convention. The Democratic Convention.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Right, Ted! [ he shakes his head ] And… then, there was this other thing where these days, uh, were saying that what you were saying was wrong. And, uh, you shouldn’t be doing it, and… that it… that it was bad?
Ted Koppel: The Republican Convention.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Right.
Ted Koppel: Go ahead, please.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Well… I got really bored.
Bill Clinton: Well, that is a really good point. Sometimes I wonder how we, as politicians, can get so bogged down in this campaign rhetoric that we forget the real issues like health care, jobs, and education. And that’s why I’m here tonight: to answer your questions.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh… I didn’t have a question.
Ted Koppel: Then, sit down… NOW! [ he returns to his seat, as another undecided voter saunters forward ] And, audience, please: Before you step up to the mike, please have a question in mind.[ Undecided Male Voter 2 gives this a moment’s thought, then returns to his seat as well ] [ Undecided Female Voter 1 steps forward ]
Ted Koppel: Ma’am? Do you have a question?
Undecided Female Voter 1: See, it’s like, you look all around, and you see all this stuff? And, everybody’s got stuff but me! Where’s mine?! Where’s MY stuff?! I’m young, man! I should have stuff, too! WHERE’S MY STUFF?!!
Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a really good point. I hear this a lot. I think if this election is about anything, it’s about… “stuff”. It’s about the fact that, under Reagan, Bush, Quayle, more people are working harder and harder for less stuff.[ Hillary nods and smiles ]
Undecided Female Voter 1: [ twitching ] Where’s my stuff, man?!
Bill Clinton: Exactly! Where is your stuff? We’re in danger of raising the first generation of Americans who… will have less stuff than their parents.
Undecided Female Voter 1: Stuff! Yeah!
Ted Koppel: So, has Gov. Clinton influenced the way you will vote?
Undecided Female Voter 1: I’m… not voting ’til I get my stuff!
Ted Koppel: Your lips are moving, but I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Thank you. [ she returns to her seat, as another undecided voters steps up ] Yes. Your question?
Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, Governor? In all the talk in the election, I have yet to hear either candidate say a word about the economy. People are out of work. Now, if you have a plan to get us out of this mess, I wish you’d tell us!
Ted Koppel: I believe the governor has already answered that question.
Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t.
Ted Koppel: Yes, he did.
Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, no, he didn’t.
Ted Koppel: Yes… he did.
Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t!
Ted Koppel: Look, it may not be an answer that you like, and it may not be an answer that I like. But I will tell you, and you WILL believe me — he DID answer the question!
Undecided Male Voter 3: I — I don’t think so.
Ted Koppel: Don’t make me come down there and SLAP you around! Don’t think I won’t, I’m incredibly strong.[ an older woman stands up and waves at Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now, does the lady behind you have a question for Gov. Clinton?
Beverly Timko: Yes, uh — I’m Beverly Timko, and, actually, my question is more for Hillary Clinton.[ Hillary jumps to her feet, greatly alarmed ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh — no. No, no — really. I’m not here for questions, I’m here to support Bill and to do this. [ she smiles ]
Ted Koppel: Really?
Beverly Timko: Well, uh — uh — it’s not a political question.
Hillary Clinton: Oh. Well, I — [ she glances at Bill ]
Bill Clinton: Go ahead.
Hillary Clinton: No.
Bill Clinton: Just do it. [ to Beverly ] What’s your question?
Beverly Timko: Uh — uh — I heard that — I heard you gave a recipe for cookies on the “Today” show, and I missed the ingredients, and I was just wondering if you could give them to me.
Hillary Clinton: [ cheerily ] Well, Beverly, I would love to! It’s a cookie I make for Chelsea and Bill —
Bill Clinton: Take it from me, they’re great![ they laugh ]
Hillary Clinton: Thank you! I call them Chewy Chocolate Chip. It’s very basic: a cup of flour, teaspoon of soda, teaspoon of salt, a cup of unsalted butter, a cup of sugar, a cup of brown sugar, two eggs, and a 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips. Nuts are optional!
Ted Koppel: Ma’am, I trust her answer was satisfactory?
Beverly Timko: Actually… no.[ Hillary frowns ]
Ted Koppel: In what way was it unsatisfactory?
Beverly Timko: Well, uh — she didn’t really say what the ingredients were to the cookies.
Ted Koppel: I believe that she did.
Beverly Timko: Well… she didn’t say anything about butter.
Ted Koppel: She did mention one cup of unsalted butter.
Beverly Timko: Well, if you say she did, she did — but I know what I heard.
Bill Clinton: Uh, Ted, in all fairness to the lady, maybe it is Hillary’s fault.
Hillary Clinton: [ fuming ] No! No!
Bill Clinton: I’m just saying that, sometimes you can get so specific in giving the recipe, that the overall vision of the cookie is lost.
Hillary Clinton: No. No, no, no, no. I said butter! Ted?
Ted Koppel: She did say butter.
Beverly Timko: Whatever. She did not answer my question. Thank you. [ she steps away ]
Hillary Clinton: Well! Would you like me to talk slower? Maybe I could draw PICTURES!!
Bill Clinton: Alright, let it go…
Hillary Clinton: Go ahead — don’t vote for him! I’ll be fine! I have a job! I’M A LAWYER!!
Ted Koppel: Mrs. Clinton — Mrs. Clinton, I could watch you go on all night. You’re like a sex-crazed sex kitten with a whip, and it’s exciting to watch. And we only have time for one more question. Yes, Ma’am?
Undecided Female Voter 2: Governor Clinton, uh — why… do movies cost so much? Not to make, but to go see.
Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a very good question —
Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, that is NOT a good question.
Bill Clinton: Well, Ted, every voter is important —
Ted Koppel: Governor, try to salvage some shred of dignity. You’re leading, for God’s sake. [ to the camera ] Thank you for joining us. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiis… has been “Nightline”.[ dissolve to logo ] [ fade ]