Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. [ turns to face second camera ] And I’m Kevin Nealon. And now, our top story.
A Colorado woman was arrested this week for stalking the President with a loaded revolver. A court-appointed psychiatrist examined the woman, found her to be competent, and returned the gun.
And, in a peace offering to “Murphy Brown”‘s baby this week, Dan Quayle sent a handwritten note of welcome, along with a cute, stuffed animal.
Kevin Nealon: Well, a Gallop Poll shows that 78% of American voters feel that the media manipulates too many people into believing what they want them to believe. [ faces the audience to delive a subliminal commentary ] I would have to disagree with that. I mean, you can’t tell someone who to vote for – Clinton – The media simply covers the day’s events – Iran Contra – whether it’s Bush’s proposed economic plan – Big Joke – or whether it’s Perot deciding whether or not to re-enter the race – Don’t Bother – or the feud between Hollywood and Dan Quayle – Idiot – I do think, however, that the media should back off of Mr. Quayle – Big Wedgie – Now I would definitely say that voters make up their own minds – Clinton – I really do.
Al Gore this week.
Following the final break of the Soviet Union, former President Mikhael Gorbachev has revealed the secret of his famous birthmark, and shocked onlookers by wiping it off with his hand. “It was just a decal,” said the fun-loving Russian.
Kevin Nealon: As you all know it is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live and most of us here feel that it is like the first day of school. Here, with his comments, is Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, Thank you. Now for most people the first day of school is a happy time, but not for me. You know why, because I was buster school. That meant I had to wake up every morning at 6 o’clock and go to school and compete with white kids that didn’t have to wake up until 8. Now that’s not fair. Say I got a low mark on a test and I got a teacher going ” Chris can’t read.” Well, Chris is tired, give me a nap and I’ll pass the damn test. You know why I hated school. I hated school, because I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin. 25 years, not one line. You know everybody’s got their own little character. You know, Linus has the blanket, Lucy’s a bitch, Schmoly plays the piano, Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. Give him something, damn, give him a Jamaican accent or something(speaks in Jamaican accent), “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone”. 25 years man, and they never even invited him to the parties. No, but Snoopy’s dancing his ass off. I got to go, man I don’t know what to say. A damn dog. (referring to Snoopy dancing)
Kevin Nealon: Thank you Chris. Chris Rock everybody.
Kevin Nealon: And now, for a look at people in the news, here’s “Update” correspondent, Operaman.
Operaman: [ singing ] Gracia, Kevin, Gracia.[ pictured: Ross Perot ]Perot es candidato
No, no candidato
No, no candidato
Do ah poopa
Or get off da potta! [ pictured: Mia Farrow ]Oh solo mia
Woody addio [ pictured Madonna ]Es Madonna?
No, es Bambina
No, es Virgin-ah
Ah! El cracko!
Es Madonna! [ pictured: Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown ]Enuffo! Enuffo!
“Topico over exposo!” [ pictured: Jay Leno ]Leno chin-o. El produche.
Mucho close-oh Mucho boffo
El peacocko ultimatum
Leno chin-o blow her off-oh. [ pictured: Sarah Ferguson ]Fergia, Fergia
Cantalopas el protrudo
Operaman grande stiffo
Bye-bye! [ Kevin gives Operaman a standing ovation, as do Nicholas Cage and Cher from the audience ]
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.
Former mayor Marion Barry, in the race for a D.C. City Council seat, has a new slogan: “Vote For Me, I’m Still a Crack Politician.”
Geraldo Rivera celebrated his show’s 1,000th episode this week. Appropriately, that’s just about enough videotape to stretch to Uranus and back.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.