SNL Transcripts: Nicolas Cage: 09/26/92: Husbands And Wives/title>


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Husbands And Wives

Woody Allen…..Dana Carvey
Soon-Yi Previn…..Rob Schneider
Fan…..Chris Farley
Mia Farrow…..Jan Hooks
Alan Dershowitz…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Roberts…..Adam Sandler
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, movie theater playing “Husbands And Wives”. Wood Allen exits, nervous, neurotic ]

Woody Allen: That was humiliating! I gotta get out of here, I mean, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it! I don’t even know where Soon-Yi is, I mean.. [ Soon-Yi exits theater ] Oh, there you are!

Fan: Hey! Great movie!

Woody Allen: Yeah.. sure.. great movie, sure..

Fan: Boy, you sure are a sleazebag!

Woody Allen: Yeah. Okay. Well, that does it. Can we go now, or should I just move in with Salmen Rushdie?

Soon-Yi Previn: I think you’re paranoid, Woody. It’s an important work, everybody loved it.

Woody Allen: Yeah. Yeah. Of course, she takes one college film course, suddenly she’s Susan Sondheim.

Soon-Yi Previn: So, I’m just a joke to you?! Like that girl in the movie?

Woody Allen: Wh-wh-what are you saying? No. You’re a.. beautiful, intelligent woman! You.. you’ve changed my life in meaningful wa-ays. I mean.. didn’t you read the Time interview? I raved about you!

Soon-Yi Previn: I’m just trying to help!

Woody Allen: I know, I’m just a.. I’m just a little.. a little uptight.

Soon-Yi Previn: [ looks off-camera ] Oh, no.

Woody Allen: What? What, now?

Soon-Yi Previn: Look who’s in line.

[ camera pans over to show Mia Farrow with Alan Dershowitz ]

Woody Allen: Oh, no.. what is she doing in town? I mean, I thought she’d be over in Bosnia.. cruising orphanages.

Soon-Yi Previn: They’re coming this way.

Woody Allen: [ panicking ] Oh, great! I never should have seen this movie on the west side!

Mia Farrow: Hi, Woody. Hi, Soon-Yi.

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. this is.. this is awkward..

Mia Farrow: Yeah. You know Alan Dershowitz, huh?

Alan Dershowitz: Uh, yes. We’ve met.

Woody Allen: Great.. great.. so, what, are you double-dating Claus van Bulow now?

Mia Farrow: Woody, come on, don’t make a scene! He’s good with the kids!

Woody Allen: Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what do they all do, go in the den and play Character Assassination?

Mia Farrow: Oh, you know, why can’t you let me have a life? I-I-I..

Woody Allen: What?!

Mia Farrow: I’m finally getting out again..

Woody Allen: No, that’s cra-zy!

Mia Farrow: You’re attacking me..

Woody Allen: No! I’m not attacking you! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman! I’m.. I’m actually getting turned on by you!

Mia Farrow: Oh, no..

Woody Allen: I’ve never seen this side of you before.. it’s very sexy..

Mia Farrow: No, come on, you get turned on by the silliest things..

Woody Allen: [ looking about ] I don’t.. I don’t believe this..

Mia Farrow: What?

Woody Allen: It’s.. it’s Tony Roberts. This is very awkward! I mean, I haven’t used him in a movie since “Hannah”.. Is he coming over here?

Mia Farrow: Yeah. Say “Hi.”

[ Tony Roberts walks up ]

Tony Roberts: Hey, Woody.

Woody Allen: Hi. You know Mia.. Soon-Yi..

Tony Roberts: Yeah. Look, uh.. is there something I’ve done?

Woody Allen: What? No-o-o-o..!

Tony Roberts: Are you pissed off at me?

Woody Allen: No, are you cra-zy..?

Tony Roberts: I mean, I did that Afterschool Special – I tried to get your permission.

Woody Allen: No.. no..

Tony Roberts: I-I thought we were good together.

Woody Allen: You’re a wonderful, terrific, intelligent sidekick!

Tony Roberts: I mean, summer stock’s great, but I gotta pay the bills.

Woody Allen: No, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll use you again, I promise!

Tony Roberts: Max – call me. [ exits ]

Woody Allen: I’ll call you.

Mia Farrow: Woody, listen.. you handled that very well.. you did!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia, are we going in now?

Woody Allen: Yeah, what, does she own you?

Mia Farrow: Why are you doing this?!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia!

Woody Allen: I’m turned on! The heart doesn’t know from logic!

[ Frank Sinatra enters scene ]

Frank Sinatra: Forget it, Woodcock!

Mia Farrow: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: I let you fly the coop once, Mia, baby! now I’m clipping your wings! I can’t bear to watch you play Musical Jews!

Woody Allen: Yeah, this is crazy! You could be her father!

Frank Sinatra: Look – we’re all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy’s gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake – you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you’re a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Mia Farrow: What are you talking about? Listen, you’re not making any sense!

Frank Sinatra: Look, cut me some slack, baby. I’m 80 years old! I’m happy if I remember the first line to “Summer Wind”. I think it’s.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Geoffry G. Geofferson
Geoffry G. Geofferson
1 year ago

Kevin Nealon is listed here as playing Dershowitz, but it’s actually Robert Smigel.

Secondly, the fan played by Farley called Allen a “scumbag” in the original broadcast, but rebroadcasts noticeably dubbed over that line with “sleazebag.”

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