Caracci’s Pizza


Caracci’s Pizza

Caracci Cashier…..Kevin Nealon
Caracci Chef…..Rob Smigel
Caracci Cook…..Tim Robbins
Caracci Sauce Boy…..Adam Sandler
Caracci Sweeper…..Rob Schneider

Caracci Cashier: People in this town argue about a lot of things.But there’s no argument about the best pizza – Caracci’s. At Caracci’s Pizza,we never drop a pizza on the dirty floor, pick it back up and serve it to youlike it never happened. Bu-u-ut, by some chance, let’s say you didcatch one of us dropping a pizza on the dirty floor and selling it to you..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cook: [ taking pizza out of the oven ] That’s right! Half-pricefor Caracci’s hot, delicious pizza! You know, at Caracci’s, we pride ourselveson never spitting on a pizza, just because we’re a little mad at the customer,or something? No spit at all! But let’s say, for some strange reason,you caught one of our workers spitting on your pizza, even just a little..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sauce Boy: Caracci’s Pizza has rich tomato sauce and chewycheese and so many toppings to choose from. You know, I can honestly say, atCaracci’s Pizza, you’re never gonna find a big footprint on any of the pizzaswe serve. None of our workers ever step on your pizza. Bu-u-ut, let’sjust say if by accident one of the guy’s who cleans the kitchen steps on yourpizza with his-a big black boot, and you notice a footprint..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sweeper: Half-off! Not bad for such good-tasting pizza! Youknow, at Caracci’s Pizza, we’ve got absolutely no rats or squirrels in thekitchen running around, jumping on the pizza and going to the bathroom allover them. Not in Caracci’s kitchen! But, let’s just say, on aparticular day, you do happen to see a big rat running around the kitchen,and none of us can catch him because he’s so quick and slippery, and he doesgo a little bathroom on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: And for this month only, if you find some fingernails,hair, band-aids, or any pieces of metal on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: Caracci’s Pizza. No droppings.

Caracci Cook: No spitting.

Caracci Sauce Boy: No footprints.

Caracci Sweeper: No squirrel crap.

Caracci Cashier: And no African-American delivery boys, or..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Full Staff: [ putting their hands on one of the pizzas ] That’s theCaracci’s Promise!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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