Tim Robbins’ Monologue
[ cue card guy slinks away ]
Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here, uh.. but, in a way, a little surprising. You see, I have this new movie out – “Bob Roberts” – and, um.. thank you. And, in the movie, I express some of my views about the nature of power in America, and how different corporations and the television networks they control distort information for their own purposes. So, it’s kind of ironic to be here working for General Electric. As you know, GE owns NBC. Yes, GE owns quite a few interesting companies- [ stops ] You can put the cue cards awy, Tony, I’m on my own out here, okay?
Yes! General Electric is quite an amazing conglomerate. In fact, if you thought General Electric made mainly kitchen appliances and light bulbs, you’d be quite mistaken, you see? General Electric actually makes a great deal of its profits making things like.. [ thinking ] ..triggering devices.. for nuclear warheads. You know the slogan – [ singing ] “G.E. We bring good things to.. death.”
Director’s Voice: Uh, Tim?
Tim Robbins: Yeah, Davey!
Director’s Voice: Would you mind coming backstage? Lorne wants to see you.
Tim Robbins: [ chuckling ] I thought this might happen! [ walks off stage ] Sure, Davey, I’ll come back and talk to Lorne! This is gonna be interesting! [ walks down the hall, past a couple of suits ] Ohhh.. I see the company suits came out for this one – a little nervous, guys? Hey, which division are you from? Germ warfare! [ laughs ] [ Tim walks past an angry-faced Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Tim.
Tim Robbins: [ stops, turns back ] Oh. Lorne. Yeah. The monologue is going great, don’t you think? They’re not laughing, but they’re thinking.
Lorne Michaels: Tim, uh-uh-uh.. I’m upset.
Tim Robbins: Why? Because I’m attacking G.E.?
Lorne Michaels: Yes.
Tim Robbins: Why? Because.. G.E. pays your check, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yes. Tim, I don’t know why you didn’t do the monologue we agreed on.
Tim Robbins: What? This? [ pulls script out of his jacket and reads ] “Wow! Second show of the 18th season – let’s hear it!” Uhhhhhhh.. this is crap, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Hey! Some of our best writers worked on that “crap”.[ Tim throws script to the floor ]
Lorne Michaels: Hey! Don’t throw that away. [ reaches down to retrieve script ] A lot of this can be used next week, for Joe Pesci.
Tim Robbins: Lorne, what’s the point of my doing the show, if I an’t let people know that G.E.’s part of the shadow government? Responsible for everything from Iran-Conta, to the assassination of-[ screen goes fuzzy, then jumps to NBC logo ]
Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”, usually seen at this time, has been cancelled.[ cut to dark bedroom, as Lorne Michaels bolts upright in bed ]
Lorne Michaels: Aggghhhh!![ Phil Hartman rises from the space next to Lorne, and turns on the light ]
Phil Hartman: Lorne? Are you okay?
Lorne Michaels: I just had the most terrifying nightmare!
Phil Hartman: It’s alright, Lorne. Would you like me to get you some warm milk.
Lorne Michaels: No.. Phil, it’s okay. It’s just that it seemed so real. Who’s the host next Saturday?
Phil Hartman: Tim Robbins. And it’s gonna be great, he’s got that terrific monologue!
Lorne Michaels: Oh, right.[ dissolve back to Tim Robbins standing at Home Base, smiling ]
Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here! Wow! “Saturday Night Live”! Second show of the 18th season! I had a pretty good summer, I have a brand new movie out – “Bob Roberts”! Go see it! Stick around – Sinead O’Conner is here, another big hit! We’ll be right back after this message!