A Message From Ross Perot
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
[ open on Ross Perot seated in an armchair ]
Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement.
Ross Perot: Well, hi, I’m Ross Perot. And I paid for this television time to address you, the American people. This week, I received the highest honor I ever could imagine, when my volunteers asked me to jump back in and run for President. See, see now, I’m not a wuitter – a quitter woudn’t jump back in the race! And that’s just what I did – you see? You see that? So your premise that I’m a quitter, it’s just bogus to begin with, see? But, alright, I know the way the game is played, so let’s just go with your premise for a minute – that I’m a quitter. Well, if I’m a quitter, why am I back in the race? See? Case closed!
Now, now I want to focus on the issues in the campaign, but it seems these people in the press want to focus on my business practives, or soem fella I might have fired, or my physical appearance – my ears, maybe. I got funny ears – fine! Okay? So, let’s have a debate on my ears, okay, is that what you want? Okay, here’s the deal on my ears – large oversized lobes, filled with wax and covered with thousands of spiky hairs! Are you happy? You happy? You got your lead story? You go do your story on that – I’m gonna talk about real issues.
Now, Myth #665: that I’m short. Let-let’s just run with that premise for a minute. I-I-I find it fascinating that everybody’s going bonkers about my height, when this country’s going down the tubes like crack through a goose! Now, let’s just, let’s just accept your premise that I’m short! Do you call 5″-5′ short? ‘Cause that’s what I am, see? Do you realize that if 68% of the women in this country took a shower with me, they’d be looking up at me. Now, if that’s short, then fine, go write your midget article while I save this country from ruin, okay? Case closed.
Now, this Inspector Perot thing. Now, that’s just sad, see? That’s just sad! I-I-I won’t even dignify it with a comment, see? I find it fascinating that people are interested in my use of private investigators to ensure my people are operating according to the law. Now, what’s wrong with that? Hell, I had myself investigated once! Found out I had a wife and five children. Now, that fascinated me, I never saw myself as the type to settle down!
Now, let-let-let’s just get off- [ cracks up, audience joins in ] Alright, I’ll pause, up to you, Whatever! Now, let’s just get all that personal stuff out the way, okay? ‘Cause I don’t have time, see? Now, those other guys, they don’t want to talk about the deficit. Now, I found that humorous to the point of absurdity, see? The deficit’s like some crazy aunt living down in the basement – everyone knows she’s there, but no one wants to talk about her! Now, if you don’t deal with her, she’s just gonna get ornerier and stinkier, see? I say, take the bitch upstairs, slap her around, and hose her down!
Now, see? See, now, it ain’t gonna be easy, this deficit. It’ll take some sacrifice, we gotta tighten that belt. Now, you may have heard some of my program – 50-cent-a-gallon gas tax to help build our infrastructure – but I know all you good Americans are willing to share the pain if it’s equal and fair.
So, Step 1: a National Curfew, nationwide, lights out, 8:45 pm. Now, you may say, “Ross, what am I gonna do after 8:45?” Well, I suggest you sleep – you’ll be glad you did when you hear that National Wake-Up Siren at 4:45 am. And don’t you worry, folks, you won’t sleep through it; it’ll be loud! Now, this way, you can start your fifteen-hour work day at 5:30 am, be back in bed by lights out. Now, what does this accomplish? First of all, this curfew cuts our energy consumption by 21%, reducing the deficit by $700 billion in the first ninety days alone! Now, simple, easy, cut and dried.
Now, let’s take the issue of waste. You know, I find it fascinating that so much time and money is wasted on so many different kinds of shoes. Now, if every American could wear the same style shoe, we could save over $18 billion the first year alone! Now, you might ask, where does such a show come from? Well, it’s already been designed by the volunteers. [ holds up shoe ] Here it is. This unisex, water-resistant shoe is handsome, stylish, and comes in all three sizes – small, medium and large! Case closed! Now, you ask any honest American – they’d be willing to wear one style of show to save their children from financial ruin; it’s obvious! and, if they didn’t want to, I’d say they need to be investigated. But that’s up to the volunteers – I’m just their servant, see?
Now, that’s all I gotta say right now, and I know this might have been painful for you, but I want to leave y’all with a smile on your face, so, in closing, I’d like to sing a little song my Grandma used to sing to me when I was a kid in Texarkana.[ stands up, dances, and sings ]
“Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’, shortnin’,
Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’ bread.
Put on the skillet, put on the lid.
Mama’s gonna make a little shortnin’ bread.”
Alright. Now.. thank you. [ laughs maniacally ] That just brings a smile on my face! Set you smiling? Case closed. Everything’s gonna be alright. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”