Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 2
Sunday Morning Videos
Jeffrey Wu…..Rob Schneider
Reverend Owen E. Veneble…..Tim Robbins
[ Theme music plays over the title card. ]
Jeffrey: Welcome back to Sunday Morning Videos. I’m Jeffrey Wu. And with me is the Reverend Owen E. Veneble, who has a syndicated religious radio program, and is active in the teen faith movement. Owen, you’ve been talking to the kids out there … what’s on their minds?
Reverend Owen: [ Southern accent, big smile on face, glances at camera throughout ] Well I’ll tell ya. All the kids are talkin’ about power. “Gotta get a powerful job, gotta be in a gang, be a powerful guy in the neighborhood, gotta buy me a powerful car.” That’s not power. You wanna know what real power is? Real power is being able to talk to the Lord every day.
Jeffrey: That is so true.
Reverend Owen: I mean, that’s a powerful position, havin’ a pipeline with the Lord. No king in his great big powerful castle’s gonna have that kinda power.
Jeffrey: He’s not gonna come anywhere near it. No, sir.
Reverend Owen: You know what else they like to talk about? Gettin’ high. “I’m gonna take this great new drug and get high. I’m gonna fly high as a kite.” Well I’ll tell ya about a real high: that’s the high you get with a spiritual communion with the Lord.
Reverend Owen: That’s a long lasting high, friend. That is heaven-high! No hangover, no withdrawal, no cold turkey!
Jeffrey: I read you loud and clear.
Reverend Owen: I’ll tell you somethin’ else the kids are talkin’ ’bout more and more, and it’s makin’ me kinda sick: great sex. “Gotta get me some great sex, gotta get me a condom so I can have great sex. Gotta read me some pornography ’bout how to have great sex. Gotta find a prostitute who’s gonna give me great sex!” Well I’ll tell you some’m, that’s not how you get great sex, no sir.
Jeffrey: Certainly not.
Reverend Owen: No sir, if you want truly great sex, you gotta get yourself a gymnast, or an aerobics instructor! That’s right, you gotta get a girl who works out regular, reeeal tight muscles, lean and strong and flexible! Ho yeah, you’re not gonna get any kinda real good sex with some ol’ fat prostitute standin’ on the corner!
[ applause, laughter ]
Jeffrey: Let’s talk about drugs some more. So many kids these days are looking for an escape, when the Bible tells you how to really get high.
Reverend Owen: I think I covered that, son. Anyway, you know where else you get great sex? Ballet dancers, man! They can bend, and spin, dance around yer’ body …
Jeffrey: I think I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t the best sex really the sex you have with the Lord?
[ The Reverend takes offense, and knocks Jeffrey out of his chair with a punch. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]
Reverend Owen: You make me sick, man!
Jeffrey: I think you misunderstood me. What I was trying to say was, I think the most satisfying sexual relationships are the ones in which our partner is a vessel, if you will, through which we make love with the Lord. [ The Reverend socks Jeffrey again, and now looks angry. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]
Jeffrey: That’s all the time we have. We hope you’ll join us next week on Sunday Morning Videos, featuring the premiere of Tower of Light’s “New Day Rising”.
[ The theme music plays as the lights dim ]
[ SUPER: “A Production Of Trinity Broadcasting Television” ]
Jeffrey: [ to the Reverend ] Now, what I was saying about sex with the Lord …
[ The Reverend knocks Jeffrey down again, gets up and walks towards him as the scene fades to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez