Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, and I can’t wait to hear the news because I haven’t read the papers all week.
On Thursday, Ross Perot finally broke his silence and announced he’d run for President. However, in the middle of his announcement, he shocked the nation by revealing his true identity:
Ross Perot: “My name is Adrian Cogiano. I am nine years old, almost ten.”
Kevin Nealon: The fact that he’s only 9 disqualifies Mr. Perot from running, but since he’s an admitted liar, it makes him a more credible candidate.
Although he’s denied being an egomaniac who’s just trying to gain power, several photos have surfaced, indicating that there may be some validity to those accusations. [ show photo of Freddy Krueger ]
Presdent Bush boasted this week that the nation’s employment figure rose by 1/10th of 1%. A study revealed that the employment rise was a result of Ross Perot’s paid volunteers.
President Bush took to the rails last week, campaigning through Ohio and Michigan by train so he could take his message directly to those Americans most affected by his presidency; in particular, the hobos riding in the freight car.
And, in a related story, Neil Bush.
Well, the candidates have finally agreed on the debates, over Clinton’s objections that the dates conflicted with World Series play offs and major football games. Bush agreed, providing the dates don’t conflict with the New England Horseshoe Pitching Finals in Kennenbunkport.
Last week, we at “Weekend Update” erronously reported that visitors to New York were stunned when sprayed by Mace. What we meant to say was that the stunning matiste display is visiting New York. My apology.
A U.S. aircraft carrier accidentally blasted a Turkish destroyer with missile fire yesterday, during an exercise mission in the Aegean Sea. The newly-appointed commander of the carrier, Capt. Joseph Hazelwood, could not be reached for comment.
Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day of atonement, starts at sundown this Tuesday. For those asking to have their sins forgiven that day, President Bush suggests you blame everything on Congress.
Several renowned doctors questioned the nutritional value of milk this week, and even warned of the possible harm it could cause to children. In the future, the dairy industry said the expiration date on the carton will apply to the person drinking the milk.
A study has found that prolonged exposure to laughing gas could hinder a woman’s ability to become pregnant. Additionally, so could rotting teeth, bad breath and body odor.
On Thursday, Magic Johnson signed a $14 million recording contract. I never even knew the guy could sing. Well, live and learn, I guess!
Mario Cuomo this week.
In a major stunt to boost ratings, Mariel Hemingway shocked viewers this week by briefly appearing nude in a scene on ABC’s “Civil Wars”. ou may recall the uproar caused last season when Hugh Downs pulled the same stunt on “20/20”.
Kevin Nealon: Here’s one of my favorite “Update” features – the Hollywood Minute with David Spade. David?
David Spade: Okay, alright! Thank you, Kevin, and we’re gonna start with a little gossip:
Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens finally called it quits. Now every single, male loser in the country thinks he has a shot with her. guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Reality, look into it.
Michael Bolton: big star, popular musician.. guess what? You’re bald, and we all know it. I don’t care how long you grow your hair in the back, we all know what’s happening on top! I know you sold nine million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one!
Billy Crystal. I got three words about your Jack Palance jokes – Let It Go! You got a year of material off one ad-lib, move on.
Madonna’s got a new sex book coming out, where she’s naked. It sells for $50. Guess what? I already saw you in Penthouse for $5 – good luck!
Marla Maples told the press this week she thinks Donald Trump will marry her. Well, guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Strung Along!
Hey, Soon-Yi. This little troublemaker. Next thing you know, she’ll be breaking up the Clarinet Band. I smell a Yoko!
Hey, I wanted to see “Wind” this weekend, but guess what? It blew away![ show Erik Estrada ] Hi. I need work.
Hi, I’m Leather Face, have we met? It’s called sunscreen, look into it.
Hi, I burn bridges.
Madonna, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kevin Costner. All the people who will still have a career next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, Billy Ray!
That’s the Hollywood Minute! Back to you, Kevin!
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, David!
And who could forget, historically, today’s date is the first anniversary of October 3rd, 1991.
Gregory Kinglsey, the twelve-year old boy who divorced his natural parents last week, has inspired Eddie Munster to bring a divorce suit against his parents, Herman & Lily Munster, who, Eddie says, dressed him like a freak, fed him spiders, and locked him in a coffin at night. If he wins, he said he’ll change his name to Sean and be adopted by his own natural parents, Gomez & Morticia Adams.
After a long career slump, Jackson Browne finally had a hit last week.
A government panel revealed this week that troops in co-ed units had sex during the Persian Gulf War. Half the troops said it hurt their moral; the other half said it kept morale up for short periods of time.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.