SNL Transcripts: Joe Pesci: 02/20/93: Bullies


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors


Bully #1…..Joe Pesci Bully #2…..Rob Schneider
Man…..Phil Hartman
Tiara…..Julia Sweeney
Fat Guy…..Chris Farley
Bully #3…..David Spade
Bully #4…..Adam Sandler

[ open on two bullies sitting on a stoop as people pass on the sidewalk ]

Bully #1: Hey pal, can you toss my ball back? [ a man tosses the ball back ] Nice toss. Oh, a ten-year-old girl called, she wants her way of throwing back!

Bully #2: Yeah, and by the way — the inside of a closet just called, it wants you back!

Bully #1: Oh, and Richard Simmons just called, he wants his wrist back.

Bully #2: Yeah and sir, a sexuality wrestling match called, it wanted you, its arena, back.

Man: Listen, you little punk! One more peep outta you and I’ll hit you so hard it’ll change your last name! Got it?! Got it?!! I wanna hear, “Yes, Sir”!

Bully #2: Yes sir. [ the man walks away ] My dog after he drinks outta the toilet called, he wants his breath back!

[ a pretty girl walks past ]

Bully #1: Aye, how you doin’? So what’s your name?

Tiara: Tiara.

Bully #1: Tiara? Yeah? Well a Times Square hooker just called, she wants her name back.

Bully #2: Yeah and by the way, a rock group called, they wanted what they usually kick outta their hotel room at 5 in the mornin’ back.

Tiara: Grow up, losers. [ she walks away ]

Bully #1: Oh, good one. A retarded 5th grader just called, she wanted her witty retort back.

[ a long-haired dude walks past ]

Bully #1: Excuse me, 1975 called, it wanted its hairstyle back.

[ two guys walk past ]

Bully #2: Hey, guys. Siegfried and Roy just called, they want their relationship back.

[ Woman walks past ]

Bully #1: Oh, Ma’am. A girl in a convertible Rabbit with a vanity plate that says, “cutie” but should say “stuck up bitch” called. She wanted you, her mirror image, back.

[ a fat guy walks past ]

Bully #1: Hey! The Vanity Fair cover with Demi Mirror, Moore called. It wanted her stomach back!

Bully #2: Oh, I nearly forgot. A carnival worker who does nothing but clean up elephant crap all day called. He wanted his reason for living back.

Fat Guy: [ outraged ] Hey, man, I got problems! BIG problems!! The last thing I need is two pukes like you on my case!! I’m tellin’ you, man, DON’T get on my bad side, cause I’m a real rain! [ he storms off ]

Bully #2: By the way, a laboratory chimp locked up in a closet for the last 6 months called, he wanted his body stench back.

[ man walks past ]

Bully #1: Hey, excuse me. A tub a crap just called, it wants its evil twin back!

Bully #2: [ as tow more bullies walk up ] Hey guys-at-large.

Bully #3: Oh, hey, there you are. I had a message for you. What was it? Don’t tell me. Herve Villechaize just called, and he wants his chances of ever getting laid now that he’s not on TV back.

Bully #4: Oh yeah, guys, Kenny Rogers’ t-shirt called and wants its pit stains back when you get a chance.

Bully #1: Oh yeah? Well… a guy called and he was want, he wanted…

Bully #3: Right.

Bully #4: Okay, well those were most of the messages. Whatever. [ they leave ]

Bully #1: Yeah. You two take it easy.

Bully #2: Man, those were good. Those guys are out of our league.

[ a pigeon struts past ]

Bully #1: Aye, pigeon! Iceberg Slim called, the pimp, he wants his strut back.

Bully #2: Hey, a sewer rat called, he wanted his self esteem back.

Bully #1: We’re back!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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