Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 3
Bully #1…..Joe Pesci Bully #2…..Rob Schneider
Fat Guy…..Chris Farley
Bully #3…..David Spade
Bully #4…..Adam Sandler
[ open on two bullies sitting on a stoop as people pass on the sidewalk ]
Bully #1: Hey pal, can you toss my ball back? [ a man tosses the ball back ] Nice toss. Oh, a ten-year-old girl called, she wants her way of throwing back!
Bully #2: Yeah, and by the way — the inside of a closet just called, it wants you back!
Bully #1: Oh, and Richard Simmons just called, he wants his wrist back.
Bully #2: Yeah and sir, a sexuality wrestling match called, it wanted you, its arena, back.
Man: Listen, you little punk! One more peep outta you and I’ll hit you so hard it’ll change your last name! Got it?! Got it?!! I wanna hear, “Yes, Sir”!
Bully #2: Yes sir. [ the man walks away ] My dog after he drinks outta the toilet called, he wants his breath back!
[ a pretty girl walks past ]
Bully #1: Aye, how you doin’? So what’s your name?
Bully #1: Tiara? Yeah? Well a Times Square hooker just called, she wants her name back.
Bully #2: Yeah and by the way, a rock group called, they wanted what they usually kick outta their hotel room at 5 in the mornin’ back.
Tiara: Grow up, losers. [ she walks away ]
Bully #1: Oh, good one. A retarded 5th grader just called, she wanted her witty retort back.
[ a long-haired dude walks past ]
Bully #1: Excuse me, 1975 called, it wanted its hairstyle back.
[ two guys walk past ]
Bully #2: Hey, guys. Siegfried and Roy just called, they want their relationship back.
[ Woman walks past ]
Bully #1: Oh, Ma’am. A girl in a convertible Rabbit with a vanity plate that says, “cutie” but should say “stuck up bitch” called. She wanted you, her mirror image, back.
[ a fat guy walks past ]
Bully #1: Hey! The Vanity Fair cover with Demi Mirror, Moore called. It wanted her stomach back!
Bully #2: Oh, I nearly forgot. A carnival worker who does nothing but clean up elephant crap all day called. He wanted his reason for living back.
Fat Guy: [ outraged ] Hey, man, I got problems! BIG problems!! The last thing I need is two pukes like you on my case!! I’m tellin’ you, man, DON’T get on my bad side, cause I’m a real rain! [ he storms off ]
Bully #2: By the way, a laboratory chimp locked up in a closet for the last 6 months called, he wanted his body stench back.
[ man walks past ]
Bully #1: Hey, excuse me. A tub a crap just called, it wants its evil twin back!
Bully #2: [ as tow more bullies walk up ] Hey guys-at-large.
Bully #3: Oh, hey, there you are. I had a message for you. What was it? Don’t tell me. Herve Villechaize just called, and he wants his chances of ever getting laid now that he’s not on TV back.
Bully #4: Oh yeah, guys, Kenny Rogers’ t-shirt called and wants its pit stains back when you get a chance.
Bully #1: Oh yeah? Well… a guy called and he was want, he wanted…
Bully #3: Right.
Bully #4: Okay, well those were most of the messages. Whatever. [ they leave ]
Bully #1: Yeah. You two take it easy.
Bully #2: Man, those were good. Those guys are out of our league.
[ a pigeon struts past ]
Bully #1: Aye, pigeon! Iceberg Slim called, the pimp, he wants his strut back.
Bully #2: Hey, a sewer rat called, he wanted his self esteem back.
Bully #1: We’re back!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez