Crooks Watch the News


Crooks Watch the News

Gangleader…..Joe Pesci
Frank…..Adam Sander
Tommy…..Kevin Nealon
Chuck Wilson…..Phil Hartman
Leslie Wilson-Carr…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Anchor…..Tim Meadows
Female Anchor…..Julia Sweeney
Dogcatcher…..Dana Carvey

Gangleader: Tommy, lock the door. Frank, pull the shades down. Hey..did you ditch the car?

Frank: Yeah, the cops’ll never find it.

Gangleader: Great. Let’s get rid of these clothes, then get to theairport.

Tommy: You think anyone at the bank will finger us?

Gangleader: I don’t think so. Let’s see if there’s anything on the news.

[ the three crooks sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV ]

Chuck Dobson: [ on TV ] Daring daytime robbery at a midtown bank. This,and other stories coming up next, on the 6 o’clock news.

Announcer: Newswatch 5. With anchorpersons Chuch Dobson. And LeslieWilson-Carr. [ the crooks wait patiently for the actual news to start ]With Bob Brock on Sports. Weatherman Chris Carlisle. [ the crooks growrestless ] Movie Critic Les Lindsay. And a health report from Dr. TimothySandley. Newswatch 5. Serving the entire New York metropolitan area.

Tommy: Okay, here we go.

Announcer: The finest news coverage available. And now, here areanchorpersons Chuck Dobson and Leslie Wilson-Carr.

Gangleader: Okay, shh..

Chuck Dobson: Good evening. We’ve got several big stories for youtonight. But, in my mind, the biggest story is the one youhave to tell us, Leslie!

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ giggling ] What do you mean, Chuck?

Chuck Dobson: Well, a little bird told me there’s going to be a newaddition to the Newswatch 5 crew.

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ laughing ] Well, I didn’t know you were going tobring this up.. but it’s true. Mark and I are expecting in June.

Chuck Dobson: Can you teach him to do the weather? I believe Fritzcould use a vacation. [ laughs heartily with Leslie ] We’ll be right back.

Announcer: Darling daytime robbery. This and other stories whenNewswatch 5 returns.

[ Newswatch 5 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!

Hungry Puppy Spokesman: If your puppy’s hungry, better get Hungry Puppy.

Jingle: I’m a Happy Puppy Dog. He’s a Happy Puppy Dog! Rah rah’s good!

[ the crooks become agitated, as the next commercial begins ]

Forula K Spokesman: Are you suffering from.. diarrhea? Well, why nottry the diarrhea medicine that most doctors recommend? Formula K stopsdiarrhea in its tracks..

[ Tommy grabs the remote ]

Tommy: Maybe we should try another channel.

Frank: Yeah, maybe.

Gangleader: Try Channel 2 News.

[ Tommy changes the channel ]

Announcer: ..with Consumer Reporter Don Rodriguez. Cooking tips fromMr. Food. Cholestoral Reporter Chuck Pressman..

Gangleader: Try Channel 7!

[ Tommy changes the channel again ]

Male Anchor: ..Well, that’s pretty much all there is to say about thisdaring midtown bank robbery. Back to you, Joyce.

Female Anchor: Thank you, David, for that exhaustive report.And News 7 returns, after this.

[ News 7 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!

[ annoyed ] I knew something like this was gonna happen!

Tommy: Yeah, but they really don’t do that good a job on that channel..

Gangleader: Shut up! Go back to the first channel!

[ the channel is changed back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: And now a report on that midtown robbery. Wait a minute..This just handed to me. Frank L. MacNeer, the actor who played the beloveddogcatcher on “The Andy Griffith Show” has died at the age of 78. [ the crooksroll their eyes at their bad luck ] MacNeer passed away in his sleep at hishome in Glandale, California.

[ cut to video clip from “The Andy Griffith Show” ]

Dogcatcher: Andy! Andy! I’m gonna catch me that dog. Yes, sir!I’m.. gonna.. catch.. me.. that.. dog..

Gangleader: [ angrily turns the TV off ] Forget this! Let’s justsplit the money!

Frank: Aw, come on, they were almost getting to it!

Tommy: Yeah, come on, turn the TV back on!

Gangleader: They’re never gonna get to it.

Tommy: Aw, come on. If it gets to a commercial, we’ll just turn downthe volume and go over our getaway plan. We won’t even pay attention!

Gangleader: I don’t know..

Tommy: Aw, come on. Please, boss?

Frank: Yeah, we’re real curious..

Gangleader: Alright, alright.. but I don’t like it.

[ Gangleader flips the TV back on to the end of a cat food commercial ]

Jingle: Meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow, meow!

[ cut back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: We are back. Three men are still at large, after adarling midtown robbery today in midtown Manhatten.

Gangleader: Shh.. This is it!

Chuck Dobson: Police surveillance report that the three men, originallybelieved to have fled the area, are now holed up in a Bronx apartment.Incredibly, they’ve been watching television for the last half-hour.

[ a siren is heard and police lights flash outside the apartment ]

Police Bullhorn: Come out with your hands up!

[ the crooks get up ]

Gangleader: Aw, that’s just great, guys!

Tommy: Hey, hey, hey, I wanted Channel 6!

Frank: You did not!

Gangleader: Shut up, willya? We just gotta get out of here..

[ the TV pipes up again ]

Chuck Dobson: Police say there is no means of escape – except fora hidden ventilator shaft.

[ the crooks approach the TV ]

Gangleader: Shh.. listen!

Chuck Dobson: More on that ventilator shaft after these messages.

[ the crooks are aggravated. Suddenly, the police crash through the door ]

Police: Freeze! Police! You’re under arrest!

[ the crooks hopelessly surrender, Tommy kicks the TV in ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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