Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 3
The Bensonhurst Dating Game
Andy Perotta…..Joe Pesci
Joey Tarentina…..Adam Sandler
Glenn Macera…..Dana Carvey
Kevin Stubbs…..Chris Rock
Stacy Tererri…..Julia Sweeney
Announcer: From Bensonhurst, Brooklyn — it’s the Bensonhurst Dating Game. And now, here’s your host — Andy Perotta.
Andy Perotta: Okay, how you doin’ over dere? Welcome to da show over here! Okay, we got one hot bachelorette backstage! But first, let’s meet the tree guys she’s gonna choose from over here. Okay, number one: Joey Tarentina. How you doin’ Joey, ready to play?
Joey Tarentina: You know it, Andy!
Andy Perotta: Hey, how’s your mother, she feelin’ better?
Joey Tarentina: Yeah.
Andy Perotta: All right, that’s good. Okay, bachelor number 2: Glen Macera. Hey, Glenny, you gonna walk home with this broad or what?
Glen Macera: That’s my plan, Andy.
Andy Perotta: Yeah. I know your plans! Okay, bachelor number 3: Kevin Stubbs.
Kevin Stubbs: What’s up?
Andy Perotta: Nothin’. Okay! We met our bachelors. Let’s bring out the main course. She’s a travel agent by day, and a terrific dancer by night. Say “hello” to Stacy Tererri.
Stacy Tererri: Hi, Andy.
Andy Perotta: Hey, Stacy, how’s your dad?
Stacy Tererri: Better.
Andy Perotta: Say hello for me. Okay, Stacy, you ready wit’ your questions over there?
Stacy Tererri: Yeah! Okay. Bachelor number 1, if I were ice cream, what flavor would I be, and what would you do to me?
Joey Tarentina: You would be like a lemon sherbet, you know? You’d be a little chilly at first, but then after some time you’re gonna melt in my mouth, and it tastes so good.
Glen Macera: Yeah!
Andy Perotta: He is the man! Okay, next up.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2, same question.
Glen Macera: Hey, well, all I know is what flavor I’d be, and that’d be a banana, if you catch my drift.
Andy Perotta: Holy jeez, we got a battle here!
Stacy Tererri: Okay! All right, number 3, how ’bout you?
Kevin Stubbs: You’d be red raspberry and I’d lick you up and down and, I’d just eat every ounce of you.
Andy Perotta: Excuse me. What’d you just say?
Kevin Stubbs: I said what they said. She’d be red raspberry. I’d eat every ounce of her…
Andy Perotta: I’m askin’ you, what did you just say you would do to her?
Kevin Stubbs: I said, I’d lick her, like they did.
Andy Perotta: I heard what you said. I’m sayin’, next time you better be a little smarter.
Kevin Stubbs: But I said what they…
Andy Perotta: Hey, use your head. Okay, Stacy, ask some more questions, honey.
Stacy Tererri: Ok, number 2, I’m a romantic at heart. What would you do to show me the perfect romantic evening?
Glen Macera: Well, I’d take ya to Helio’s. Sure, my friend there works the door. We’d get a good table, have some cannoli…
Stacy Tererri: I love their cannoli.
Glen Macera: Oh, you do, honey? ‘Cause I wouldn’t be afraid to eat it right off of you!
Andy Perotta: Zing!
Stacy Tererri: Yeah, number 3?
Kevin Stubbs: You know, italian food would be a nice prelude before we go home and do the nasty!
Andy Perotta: Holy jeez.
Stacy Tererri: Okay. Number 3, I wanna know, if we were…
Andy Perotta: Whoa, whoa, hold up, I got a question for him. How’s he gonna taste that italian food if he got no tongue?
Stacy Tererri: Oh, Andy, it’s okay.
Andy Perotta: Swear to God, don’t test me today. Hear me, tree?
Joey Tarentina: Andy, can I bust his head in or what?
Andy Perotta: Hey, let me handle that. You just worry about answerin’ the questions.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2. You’re a doctor, I’m your patient. What instruments would you use to treat me?
Glen Macera: I can’t answer that right now. I just gotta say, I got a sister, and it’s gettin’ me sick thinkin’ about this over here.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number one?
Joey Tarentina: Andy, I swear to God I’m goin’ outta my mind here! Just let me kick his ass!
Stacy Tererri: And, number 3?
Kevin Stubbs: You don’t have to go to me. You can go to another doctor.
Andy Perotta: So now she’s not good enough for ya, stinkin’ low life, is that it?
Kevin Stubbs: But, I’m just…
Joey Tarentina: Andy, say the word, and I’ll whack his head wit’ a broomstick!
Glen Macera: No, Andy, let it be me. I got an aluminum in the car!
Andy Perotta: Shut up, shut up! Okay, okay, no more questions. Make up your mind. Who will it be? Bachelor number 1, bachelor number 2… 1 or 2, come on, pick! Hurry up, let’s go!
Stacy Tererri: Look, I’m pickin’ 3. I wanna know what the big mystery’s about.
Andy Perotta: Stacy, you’re gonna kill your mother and father here.
Stacy Tererri: I’ll do what I want.
Kevin Stubbs: Look, we don’t have to do this.
Joey Tarentina: Stacy, what are you tryin’ to prove?
Stacy Tererri: We’re goin’ out! Look, I’ve been with you two, so what do we win?
Glen Macera: Stacy!
Andy Perotta: No, no, no, no, no, it’s okay. Let’em go out. Okay, congratulations. There, you win dinner for two at Ranalli’s. that’s Ranalli’s, 13th street and Rutland Road. They’re gonna be there Thursday night at 8 p.m. at the Southwest entrance. That’s where they’re gonna be. It’s gonna be fun night, fun.
Kevin Stubbs: Look, I gotta get goin’.
Andy Perotta: Thursday night, you better be there! Blow a kiss, everybody. Goodnight!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez