SNL Transcripts: Joe Pesci: 02/20/93: Single White Person

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

Single White Person

Pat…..Julia Sweeney
Guy…..David Spade
Hedra…..Melanie Hutsell
Graham…..Joe Pesci
Chris…..Dana Carvey

[ open on apartment ]

Pat: So, this is the apartment. Your share of the rent would be 250 dollars a month, so what do you think?

Guy: Well, space is great and I’ve always loved this building. But let’s say I move in. I like to sometimes walk around the house in my underwear. Now, would that bother you? Or…

Pat: No, I like to do the same thing!

Guy: You know what? 250 is a little steep. I’m scared I might see you naked, I’m just gonna keep lookin’. Thanks a bunch.

[ he runs out ]

Pat: Hey. Wait a minute.

[ Hedra enters ]

Hedra: Hi, I’m Hedra. Are you Pat?

[ title slide appears ]

Hedra: Wow! This place is really great. [ sees photo frame ] Who’s this?

Pat: Oh, that’s Chris. We broke up, that’s why I need a new roommate.

Hedra: Oh, that’s too bad. I’d really love to live here.

Pat: Well. When can you move in?

Hedra: Really? I can live here? With you?

Pat: Well, sure!

Hedra: You’re the greatest! I mean really. Just look at you! You have this great personality…

Pat: Oh c’mon!

Hedra: This great sense of style. You’re mysterious, and enigmatic, and that draws people to you!

Pat: Really?

Hedra: All my life, I’ve been so transparent. Little mousy Hedra. Shy and sweet with dangerous emotional problems. But you, you’re so wonderfully complicated.

Pat: Oh, well you’re not so bad yourself.

Hedra: Who are you kidding? Just look at you. We are in completely different leagues!

[ dissolve to Two Weeks Later ]

Graham: So Pat, how’s the new roomie working out?

Pat: Graham. I’m not so sure, Hedra’s a little odd. Yesterday I was missing a pair of tube socks, and I found them in her room!

Graham: Tube socks? Pat, listen to me, I have to tell you something, and it’s not just because I’m your best friend, I’m gay, and I live upstairs. But, this Hedra woman, is crazy. I mean something is very wrong with her. She’s obsessed with you.

Pat: Oh, this is madness!

Graham: Well you can’t see it, because you’re too close to it.

Pat: But why would she be obsessed with me?

Graham: Well maybe she’s in love with you. Maybe she’s gay… or straight… or or bi… I don’t know, all three.

[ Hedra enters, dressed like Pat ]

Hedra: Pat? Are you home? I have a surprise for you.

Pat: You’ve got to be kidding!

Hedra: I didn’t think you’d mind. I really love my new look.

Pat: Your look? That’s my look!

Graham: Just look at the two of you. You look like broth… sis… twins. Well, I should be going, Pat. I’ll see you. [ whispering ] She’s obsessed, obsessed.

Pat: Hedra, there’s something I need to tell you. You might have to find a new place to live. Chris is coming over tonight and we’re thinking about patching things up.

Hedra: Oh, Chris, yeah. Chris called, and said you should meet across town at Joel Grey, Joel Grey’s Stakehouse.

Pat: Our place! I’d better hustle.

[ Pat rushes out ]

Hedra: Goodbye, Pat!

[ a knock at the door ]

Chris: Pat, it’s Chris.

Hedra: One second, my darling! [ she turns off the lights and hops on the settee ] Come in!

Chris: Where? Where are you?

Hedra: Over here!

Chris: Do you have a cold?

Hedra: Yeah. Come here and let me give it to you!

Chris: In the dark, you look like k.d. Lang. [ Hedra pounces Chris ] Wait a minute, wait you’re squeezing them! You’re not Pat!

[ Chris jumps up and turns on the lights ]

Chris: Hedra!

[ Hedra knocks Chris to the ground, as Pat rushes in ]

Pat: Oh my God! Hedra, what have you done? You’ve hit Chris with one of my brown penny loafers from Fava!

Hedra: You… bitch. I mean, you son of a bitch! I mean… you creep!

[ Graham rushes in ]

Graham: Oh my God! Get her Blossom!

[ Graham’s cat attacks Hedra ]

Pat: Oh, thank you, Graham.

Graham: What are gay upstairs neighbors for?

Pat: Chris! Chris, you’re still alive!

Chris: Pat? Is it you?

Pat: Yes.

[ they make out ]

Graham: Well, I know when I’m not needed.

“It’s time for androgyny That’s just Pat!”

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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