SNL Transcripts: Joe Pesci: 02/20/93: Single White Person


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

Single White Person

Pat…..Julia Sweeney
Guy…..David Spade
Hedra…..Melanie Hutsell
Graham…..Joe Pesci
Chris…..Dana Carvey

[ open on apartment ]

Pat: So, this is the apartment. Your share of the rent would be 250 dollars a month, so what do you think?

Guy: Well, space is great and I’ve always loved this building. But let’s say I move in. I like to sometimes walk around the house in my underwear. Now, would that bother you? Or…

Pat: No, I like to do the same thing!

Guy: You know what? 250 is a little steep. I’m scared I might see you naked, I’m just gonna keep lookin’. Thanks a bunch.

[ he runs out ]

Pat: Hey. Wait a minute.

[ Hedra enters ]

Hedra: Hi, I’m Hedra. Are you Pat?

[ title slide appears ]

Hedra: Wow! This place is really great. [ sees photo frame ] Who’s this?

Pat: Oh, that’s Chris. We broke up, that’s why I need a new roommate.

Hedra: Oh, that’s too bad. I’d really love to live here.

Pat: Well. When can you move in?

Hedra: Really? I can live here? With you?

Pat: Well, sure!

Hedra: You’re the greatest! I mean really. Just look at you! You have this great personality…

Pat: Oh c’mon!

Hedra: This great sense of style. You’re mysterious, and enigmatic, and that draws people to you!

Pat: Really?

Hedra: All my life, I’ve been so transparent. Little mousy Hedra. Shy and sweet with dangerous emotional problems. But you, you’re so wonderfully complicated.

Pat: Oh, well you’re not so bad yourself.

Hedra: Who are you kidding? Just look at you. We are in completely different leagues!

[ dissolve to Two Weeks Later ]

Graham: So Pat, how’s the new roomie working out?

Pat: Graham. I’m not so sure, Hedra’s a little odd. Yesterday I was missing a pair of tube socks, and I found them in her room!

Graham: Tube socks? Pat, listen to me, I have to tell you something, and it’s not just because I’m your best friend, I’m gay, and I live upstairs. But, this Hedra woman, is crazy. I mean something is very wrong with her. She’s obsessed with you.

Pat: Oh, this is madness!

Graham: Well you can’t see it, because you’re too close to it.

Pat: But why would she be obsessed with me?

Graham: Well maybe she’s in love with you. Maybe she’s gay… or straight… or or bi… I don’t know, all three.

[ Hedra enters, dressed like Pat ]

Hedra: Pat? Are you home? I have a surprise for you.

Pat: You’ve got to be kidding!

Hedra: I didn’t think you’d mind. I really love my new look.

Pat: Your look? That’s my look!

Graham: Just look at the two of you. You look like broth… sis… twins. Well, I should be going, Pat. I’ll see you. [ whispering ] She’s obsessed, obsessed.

Pat: Hedra, there’s something I need to tell you. You might have to find a new place to live. Chris is coming over tonight and we’re thinking about patching things up.

Hedra: Oh, Chris, yeah. Chris called, and said you should meet across town at Joel Grey, Joel Grey’s Stakehouse.

Pat: Our place! I’d better hustle.

[ Pat rushes out ]

Hedra: Goodbye, Pat!

[ a knock at the door ]

Chris: Pat, it’s Chris.

Hedra: One second, my darling! [ she turns off the lights and hops on the settee ] Come in!

Chris: Where? Where are you?

Hedra: Over here!

Chris: Do you have a cold?

Hedra: Yeah. Come here and let me give it to you!

Chris: In the dark, you look like k.d. Lang. [ Hedra pounces Chris ] Wait a minute, wait you’re squeezing them! You’re not Pat!

[ Chris jumps up and turns on the lights ]

Chris: Hedra!

[ Hedra knocks Chris to the ground, as Pat rushes in ]

Pat: Oh my God! Hedra, what have you done? You’ve hit Chris with one of my brown penny loafers from Fava!

Hedra: You… bitch. I mean, you son of a bitch! I mean… you creep!

[ Graham rushes in ]

Graham: Oh my God! Get her Blossom!

[ Graham’s cat attacks Hedra ]

Pat: Oh, thank you, Graham.

Graham: What are gay upstairs neighbors for?

Pat: Chris! Chris, you’re still alive!

Chris: Pat? Is it you?

Pat: Yes.

[ they make out ]

Graham: Well, I know when I’m not needed.

“It’s time for androgyny That’s just Pat!”

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Matt Vandermast
Matt Vandermast
2 years ago

Just a little nitpick: This was from the October 10, 1992 episode, hosted by Joe Pesci. The February 20, 1993 episode was hosted by Bill Murray, and Joe Pesci did not appear in it.

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