Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 3
Single White Person
[ open on apartment ]
Pat: So, this is the apartment. Your share of the rent would be 250 dollars a month, so what do you think?
Guy: Well, space is great and I’ve always loved this building. But let’s say I move in. I like to sometimes walk around the house in my underwear. Now, would that bother you? Or…
Pat: No, I like to do the same thing!
Guy: You know what? 250 is a little steep. I’m scared I might see you naked, I’m just gonna keep lookin’. Thanks a bunch.
[ he runs out ]
Pat: Hey. Wait a minute.
[ Hedra enters ]
Hedra: Hi, I’m Hedra. Are you Pat?
[ title slide appears ]
Hedra: Wow! This place is really great. [ sees photo frame ] Who’s this?
Pat: Oh, that’s Chris. We broke up, that’s why I need a new roommate.
Hedra: Oh, that’s too bad. I’d really love to live here.
Pat: Well. When can you move in?
Hedra: Really? I can live here? With you?
Pat: Well, sure!
Hedra: You’re the greatest! I mean really. Just look at you! You have this great personality…
Pat: Oh c’mon!
Hedra: This great sense of style. You’re mysterious, and enigmatic, and that draws people to you!
Hedra: All my life, I’ve been so transparent. Little mousy Hedra. Shy and sweet with dangerous emotional problems. But you, you’re so wonderfully complicated.
Pat: Oh, well you’re not so bad yourself.
Hedra: Who are you kidding? Just look at you. We are in completely different leagues!
[ dissolve to Two Weeks Later ]
Graham: So Pat, how’s the new roomie working out?
Pat: Graham. I’m not so sure, Hedra’s a little odd. Yesterday I was missing a pair of tube socks, and I found them in her room!
Graham: Tube socks? Pat, listen to me, I have to tell you something, and it’s not just because I’m your best friend, I’m gay, and I live upstairs. But, this Hedra woman, is crazy. I mean something is very wrong with her. She’s obsessed with you.
Pat: Oh, this is madness!
Graham: Well you can’t see it, because you’re too close to it.
Pat: But why would she be obsessed with me?
Graham: Well maybe she’s in love with you. Maybe she’s gay… or straight… or or bi… I don’t know, all three.
[ Hedra enters, dressed like Pat ]
Hedra: Pat? Are you home? I have a surprise for you.
Pat: You’ve got to be kidding!
Hedra: I didn’t think you’d mind. I really love my new look.
Pat: Your look? That’s my look!
Graham: Just look at the two of you. You look like broth… sis… twins. Well, I should be going, Pat. I’ll see you. [ whispering ] She’s obsessed, obsessed.
Pat: Hedra, there’s something I need to tell you. You might have to find a new place to live. Chris is coming over tonight and we’re thinking about patching things up.
Hedra: Oh, Chris, yeah. Chris called, and said you should meet across town at Joel Grey, Joel Grey’s Stakehouse.
Pat: Our place! I’d better hustle.
[ Pat rushes out ]
Hedra: Goodbye, Pat!
[ a knock at the door ]
Chris: Pat, it’s Chris.
Hedra: One second, my darling! [ she turns off the lights and hops on the settee ] Come in!
Chris: Where? Where are you?
Hedra: Over here!
Chris: Do you have a cold?
Hedra: Yeah. Come here and let me give it to you!
Chris: In the dark, you look like k.d. Lang. [ Hedra pounces Chris ] Wait a minute, wait you’re squeezing them! You’re not Pat!
[ Chris jumps up and turns on the lights ]
[ Hedra knocks Chris to the ground, as Pat rushes in ]
Pat: Oh my God! Hedra, what have you done? You’ve hit Chris with one of my brown penny loafers from Fava!
Hedra: You… bitch. I mean, you son of a bitch! I mean… you creep!
[ Graham rushes in ]
Graham: Oh my God! Get her Blossom!
[ Graham’s cat attacks Hedra ]
Pat: Oh, thank you, Graham.
Graham: What are gay upstairs neighbors for?
Pat: Chris! Chris, you’re still alive!
Chris: Pat? Is it you?
[ they make out ]
Graham: Well, I know when I’m not needed.
“It’s time for androgyny That’s just Pat!”
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez