The Continental


The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The nightair is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, before it opens and a womanruns out screaming ]

The Continental: [ spotting his nighttime visitor ] Don’t mind her.That was merely my sister, running to meet her lover. Every moment spentwithout him is an eternity for her. Please. Come in. [ kisses hisvisitor’s hand and shows her into his apartment ] You know, when you called, my heart sang. Allow me to take your wrap. No? I see. You’ve only cometo reclaim your misplaced glove, then you must go. But don’t you see, I willbe devestated if you don’t join me for at least one glass of fine champagna.Please. Your coat. [ camera shakes no ] I beg you. What kind of hostwould I be if I did not attend to your beautiful coat, my little wildflower.Come on. [ seizes her coat and flings it upon the coat rack ] There, thatwasn’t so bad, now was it? Now, please.. won’t you make yourselfcomfortable on the settee, as I look for this glove.. [ walks across theroom ] which you happen to forget when you fled from my apartment last week. Sit. Please.

[ he sits next to her ] You know.. I think it was no accident.In fact, I believe there are no accidents. [ smokes his cigarette ] Thisglove is an excuse. Admit it. You find me as irresistable as Ifind.. [ camera spins around and quickly zooms towards the door, blockedsuddenly by the Continental’s desperation to have her stay ] Forgive me,my little frightened, wide-eyed doe. I see I’ve upset you. If I move awayfrom the door, will you promise to sit and banter with me, if only for abrief few moments. [ camera shakes yes, so the Continental walks away, but quickly jumps in again when the camera attempts to leave ] You broke yourpromise! So I broke mine. I do not like to play games. I wil find yourglove, and you will go. But first, a glass of fine champagna.

[ he walks over to a table to pour the champagna into two glasses ] Youknow, champagna is not champagna unless it comes from the province ofChampagne. I learned that in Bartending School. [ bring their champagne tothe settee ] Sit, please. [ hands his visitor her glass ] Forgive me if myhungry eyes feast on the banquet of your sumptious decolletage. [ champagne isthrown in his face ] The champagna you have thrown stings my eyes. You are afiery vixen. You have a spirit.. like a frolicksome colt. [ glass is heldbefore him ] Ah! I see you have changed your mind about the champagna. Noone can long resist the lure of those delicate bubbles.. [ reaches for thebottle ] ..each whispering the same message of love. [ the champagne isagain thrown in his face ] Thrown champagne in my face once, shame on you. [ adjusts his soaked fake moustache ] Throw champagna in my face twice, shameon me. Very well. I will find the glove.

[ he puts his glass down and walks over to his bookcase ] If you will holdthe steps for me, my darling.. I will fetch this object of your desire. [ heclimbs the ladder, grabs a box, and looks down upon his visitor’s cleavage ]Oof! The view from here.. is intoxicating.. oh.. like fine champagna. Verywell, I will find this glove. [ pulls a white glove out of his box ] Theglove of a woman. I must confess, I have quite a collection. [ pulls outa red glove ] This I found in a taxi cab. [ pulls out a beige glove ] Thisone belonged to the girlfriend of a roommate. [ pulls out a yellow glove ]This I purchased at a garage sale. [ pulls out another white glove ] Ah,here we are. This, unless I’m dreadfully mistaken, we’ve found your glove?[ camera shakes no ] No? In that case.. [ pulls out another red glove ]..this is the glove you seek. [ camera shakes no ] Then, surely..[ pulls out a third red glove ] ..this is your glove. [ hand reachesfor the glove ] Ah! Eureka! Our quest has ended. [ hands her the glove,then pulls it away before she can grab it ] Ah.. dare I say it, this callsfor a glass of champagna! [ puts his box away and climbs down the ladder ]That is, if you promise not to throw it in my face. No? Very well. Iappreciate your honesty, so I guess there is nothing left but to returnyour glove to you, and then you can go and return yourself.. to Him.[ holds her hand ] You know, your hands say everything about you.. Sofine and delicate. You know, I received a doctorate in the study ofPalmistry, from the University of Budapest. Allow me one brief glimpse..[ examines her hand ] Yes! See here, your lifeline is very long!So is your faith line.. but most intriguing of all.. your love line.[ he bends down and licks her hand, as she slaps him and heads for the door ]But! I haven’t called for your car yet! Must you fly so soon, my littlesongbird? Must you fly so soon? Please! Very well, go.. but allow me onelast moment to drink the intoxicating vision of you. Eyes blazing, your hairflowing, chest heaving.. [ she runs into the hallway ] Wait! Youforgot your coat. [ hands it to her ] Please, allow me to.. [ she slamsthe door behind her and runs ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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