Jiffy Express


Jiffy Express

Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider
Mrs. Collier…..Julia Sweeney
Secretary…..Melianie Hutsell
Upset Recipient…..Kevin Nealon

Delivery Boy: Package for Mrs. Collier. [ hands her package ]

Mrs. Collier: [ reading box ] “Happy Birthday, from Larry.” Mybirthday was three weeks ago. Well, that’s my brother.

Delivery Boy: Ma’am, I think you might want to check the shippingdate on that.

Mrs. Collier: [ checks ] October 3rd? He did mail it on time!

Delivery Boy: That’s right. It’s not your brother’s fault, ma’am. It’s ours.

Mrs. Collier: [ appalled ] That is unacceptable! He went through alot of trouble, and you guys just sat on the package for a month!

Delivery Boy: You’re absolutely right, Ma’am. It isunacceptable. [ hangs his head in faux shame ]

Mrs. Collier: [ sighs disgustedly, slams the door ] [ Delivery Boy faces the camera ]

Delivery Boy: At Jiffy Express, we know how important it is to beon time. And we also know that sometimes you just can’t make it. That’swhen you call Jiffy. We’ll take the package – and the blame.

[ cut to a secretary handing the Delivery Boy a package ]

Secretary: This was due in Cleveland last month. I could be fired.Can you help me?

Delivery Boy: No problem, Ma’am. You can count on us. [ grabs thepackage and walks off to begin his mission ]

Voiceover: When it has to be there overnight, call the other guys.When it had to be there three weeks ago, call Jiffy. First, we’ll backdatethe receipt. Then our technicians will age the package, according to yourspecifications. We can stain it, soil it, recreate delivery mishap andtrauma.. even simulate international misrouting.

[ cut to Delivery Boy explaining the tardiness to an Upset Recipient ]

Delivery Boy: And after it got to Hong Kong, well.. we just lost trackof it. Luckily, it turned up in our warehouse.

Upset Recipient: [ grabbing package ] You guys are pathetic!People get fired over this kind of thing! [ slams his door ]

Delivery Boy: [ to the camera ] I know.

Voiceover: Jiffy Express. When you’ve got no one else to blame -call us.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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