Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 4
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
James Stockdale…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Ross Perot driving a car along a country road, with Admiral James Stockdale as his passenger ]
Ross Perot: Beautiful day, isn’t it, Admiral Stockdale? Yeah, I just adore driving! I just adore it!
James Stockdale: WHERE ARE WE GOING?!!
Ross Perot: Ah, that don’t matter! We’re just going for a ride, we’re just eating up the highway! See, we’ve been working real hard. This here’s like a joyride, so I say en-joy!
James Stockdale: YOU’RE THE BOSS!!
Ross Perot: That’s right! Now, you wanna hear some music? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, today you’re gonna get all the music you want! [ he flips through channels only to be greeted with static ] Aw, I don’t believe it! You see? Is that how the game is played, Admiral? They can’t put a tranmitter out here so good, honest, decent American people can hear some nice country music. And I just think that’s sad!
James Stockdale: GOVERNMENT’S IN..! IN GRIDLOCK!
Ross Perot: Well, there you go! Now, that was vintage! That was one of the finest moments in any debate I’ve ever seen. I mean, talk about Pin the Tail on the Donkey — that’s just what you did! You were A-1 in that debate! You had an H-Bomb, them other fellers had a slingshot!
James Stockdale: PING-PONG MATCH! IT… was… a.
Ross Perot: Well — yes, sir! You won it, hands down! I tell ya, those press people? They’re just loony! They say you’re a drag on the ticket? They must have been watching a different show! When you were quiet there for an hour, that was WORLD CLASS! Showed you ain’t just talk! You know, a quiet man, a lot going on upstairs. Them others just went shooting their mouthes off!
James Stockdale: WHO AM I?! WHY AM I HERE?!
Ross Perot: Well, you’re the Admiral! You’re taking a joyride! [ he cackles with glee ] Oh, I get it! You’re quoting yourself, right? “Who am I?” Now, that lnie there, that was precious! Adn you know, Admiral, when you were wandering around there — remember that? When it looked like you were gonna go over to Gore’s podium? Well, that was — Margo and I, we just loved that! It showed you were restless, had places to go, people to see!
James Stockdale: I’M OUT OF AMMO!!
Ross Perot: [ cackling ] Perfect! Perfect! And the part where you were stopping and stuttering — GRAND SLAM, I’ll tell you! Shows you weren’t rehearsed, like those other two. A president needs to be spontaneous, and the American people know it.
James Stockdale: GRIDLOCK!!
Ross Perot: That’s right. And the way your mind drifted — showed your open to new ideas. And, Admiral, when you took your glasses on and off nervously, and when you forgot your hearing aid was off, like you didn’t know where you were — well, that was just stunning! And I adored it, and so did Margo and all my kids.
James Stockdale: I’M HUNGRY!
Ross Perot: Admiral, we ate at Denny’s a half-hour ago. You had a double cheeseburger. Your belly’s full. I rest my case.
James Stockdale: [ suspicious ] Where are we…?
Ross Perot: Ain’t this pretty country, Admiral? Aren’t you having fun? We’re miles from anywhere, see? Now, now take a look over there — [ he points ] There’s a ten-point buck deer. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s a symbol of American strength — right over there, Admiral!
James Stockdale: [ looking ] WHERE!!
Ross Perot: Right, right over there. Look, I’ll pull up so you can get a better look. [ he stops the car ] Now, do you see it now? Do you see it?
James Stockdale: NO!!
Ross Perot: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve seen it — Why don’t you get out and take a better look? You deserve it. I’m trying to think of you. Go on, Admiral.[ Stockdale exits the car ]
Ross Perot: That’s right. Go on out there. Now, take a few steps. It’s worth it! Now, go on. That’s right.
James Stockdale: I DON’T SEE IT!!
Ross Perot: Take a few more steps, and, and, and just go on! Go on![ satisfied, Perot kicks the car into gear and drives off like a bat out of Hell ]
Ross Perot: I’m doing this for the young people, that’s right![ Perot’s car phone rings ]
Ross Perot: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it’s a done deal! Yeah, I fixed it. No, no, he went quietly. Now, tell the Press we have no idea where he is, and make sure all this is ready for Larry King Wednesday night. By then, I think we can definitely take care of — [ he looks in his mirror ] Oh, bull shoot! I don’t believe it! I’ll get back to ya’.[ reveal Stockdale frantically running alongside the car ]
James Stockdale: WHAT HAPPENED?!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!!
Ross Perot: Is that you, Admiral? I-I-I-I’ll tell ya, these brakes are tricky in these American cars! And that’s just sad! Let me try again here!
Ross Perot: Lesson for today? Never try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a Capital T.[ Stockdale re-enters the car ]
James Stockdale: I’m hungry!
Ross Perot: Alright. Well, where do you want to go, Admiral? There’s an Astro Burger at the next exit. Waht do you say?
James Stockdale: “Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”