Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic


Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic

Ed Glosser…..Christopher Walken
Female Employee…..Julia Sweeney
Male Employee #1…..Phil Hartman
New Employee…..Rob Schneider
Male Employee #2…..Adam Sandler
Delivery Boy…..Chris Rock

[ Female Employee drops her styrofoam cup while pouring some spring water.Ed Glosser picks it up for her, then accidentally grabs her hand, fallinginto a trance ]

Female Employee: Are you alright?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] You have a daughter..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: She’s at home with the housekeeper..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper just waxed the kitchen floor..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: Your daughter’s running.. on the wet kitchen floor..

Female Employee: [ panicking ] And?

Ed Glosser: She’s leaving footprints..

Female Employee: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper’s annoyed.. she has to do that part of thefloor over again..

Female Employee: Really?

Ed Glosser: It’s not too late! You can call her.. and save her!

Female Employee: Um.. I have some work to do, but I’ll call her later.Okay? Say, how did you get these powers, anyway?

Ed Glosser: [ looks into the camera ] I.. don’t.. know..

Announcer: Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic. During a brief power outage,Ed Glosser’s tanning booth experiences a slight malfunction. Forfeiting adarker base, he instead gains the mildly impressive ability to foretellinsignificant events of the immediate future. This is his story..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I want you to meet Bob. He just joined usover in Accounting.

New Employee: Nice to meet you! [ shakes Ed’s hand ]

Ed Glosser: [ falls into his trance ] Tomorrow.. on the way to work..you’re gonna buy a cup of coffee..

New Employee: [ anxious ] Yeah?

Ed Glosser: Then you’re gonna hail a cab..

New Employee: Uh huh! Does the cab crash?!

Ed Glosser: No.. you’re gonna leave the coffee in the cab!

New Employee: Okay.. I guess I’ll just have to get another cup whenI get here.

Ed Glosser: Look! you don’t get it! You’re wasting coffee!

Male Employee #1: Ed, Ed, Ed.. what’s the big deal? It’s just a cupof coffee! Look, we’ve got a whole pot of it over there.

Ed Glosser: accidentally touches the male employee’s arm and fallsback into his trance ] At lunch.. you’re gonna treat yourself to a vanilla icecream.. you’re gonna eat it too fast.. you’re gonna get an ice cream headache..it’s gonna hurt.. real bad.. right.. [ touches the middle of his forehead ]..here.. for eight, nine seconds..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.But you’re giving everybody the creeps.

Ed Glosser: I didn’t ask for these powers! Theyjust came to me!

Male Employee #1: Well, I see a large stack of papers on your desk..and I see you finishing them all by five o’clock! [ laughs and turns to leave ]

New Employee: Hey, uh.. nice meeting you. [ starts to shake Ed’shand again, but retreats and leaves ]

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey! Psychic Man! What do you seehappening in the World Series – Toronto or Atlanta?

Ed Glosser: [ upset ] I can’t believe you’re asking me to use mypowers in that way! [ turns to leave, but Male Employee #2 grabs Ed’sarm and sends into another trance ] You’re eating a bag of pistachios.. youwill find that one is very difficult to open..

Male Employee #2: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: You’re not going to be able to open it with your fingers.. you’re gonna have to use your teeth.. it’s gonna taste very bad..

Male Employee #2: Just the one nut?

Ed Glosser: Yes!

Male Employee #2: Alright.. well, thanks for thattip. I’m going to go call my bookie now. [ leaves ] [ Ed sits in the office, annoyed ]

Delivery Boy: [ enters carrying a bag ] Excuse me, did you order atuna fish sandwich?

Ed Glosser: Yeah.. [ pulls out some money and places it in theDelivery Boy’s hand, falling into another trance ] You have a car..

Delivery Boy: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] Could you give me a lift home? Nobody aroundhere likes me.

Delivery Boy: Sure. Why not?

Ed Glosser: [ still in trance ] There’s going to be traffic.

[ the two exit the office, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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