Stalk Talk
Allison McGrath…..Julia Sweeney
Brian…..Christopher Walken
Danny…..Rob Schneider
Marty…..Adam Sandler
Ellen…..Jan Hooks
[ Music Open: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police ]
Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to “Stalk Talk”. I’m your host,Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and womenwho seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers andconsequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let’s say helloto our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with hisgirlfriend..
Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.
Allison McGrath: Oh. And what’s the girl’s name?
Brian: “Bitch.”
Allison McGrath: Okay. Let’s move to our second stalker, Marty.
Marty: Hello. I’m Marty.
Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up withyou in the fifth grade.
Marty: She didn’t break up with me! We decided to see otherpeople.
Allison McGrath: And, yet, you’re still upset with her, aren’t you,Marty?
Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn’t.. Yes.
Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you’re a stalker, too?
Danny: Uh, yes. I’ve been stalking a certain someone for the pastfour-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.
Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ] ..you’re here now, soI guess you’re not stalking her all the time!
Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.
Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. Afemale stalker. Say hello to Ellen.
Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff forjust a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls asyou want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you toHell!
Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did yourrelationship end?
Brian: With “Bitch”?
Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..
Brian: Say it!
Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with”Bitch”?
Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days..ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phoneagain, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together.Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get “Bitch” to fallin love with him.
Allison McGrath: Magic powers?
Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she lovesme, but she’s under the influence of this agent of the Devil.
Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girlbroke up with you?
Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?
Allison McGrath: Um.. no.
Marty: We’re not broken up.. I mean, we’re just taking a little timeto sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]
Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you’re in love withDavid Hasselhoff, of TV’s “Knight Rider”..
Ellen: Yes, I love him. He’s on “Baywatch” now, okay?
Marty: He’s good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives hima dirty look ]
Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. Whendid you guys go out?
Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren’t a real “going-out”kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food andwatch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]
Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff’s wife thinkof that?
Ellen: [ angry ] I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that!
Allison McGrath: I’m sorry, but have you ever even actually metDavid Hasselhoff?
Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] “No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I’ve watched him manytimes.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!
Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?
Ellen: No.
Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need thesemodern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking issimplicity in itself. It’s a person.. and the person he’s hunting.
Allison McGrath: [ feigning interest ] Interesting.
Brian: But.. that’s me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledgesMarty ] ..I’ll bet he’s got the best goggles money can buy.
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang ona tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?
Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!
Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!
Brian: You see? They’re like that, young stalkers. They’re kids.It’s a generation thing, I guess.
Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story.Let’s start with Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 seasonof “Knight Rider”.. David had just started to grow his hair too long, youknow? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hidunder his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! Heknew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left melying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!
Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]
Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]
Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?
Brian: Well.. “Bitch” had gone over to the tennis instructor’s houseafter work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75yards behind her at all times.. “Bitch” had been there about two hours,during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kindof bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstratessome wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What’s so funny?!
Marty: [ laughing ] It’s just that I’ve done that!
Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I’m making these bird noises.. all of asudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess hewas looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that’s interrupting hisdemon seance with “Bitch”. So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in thestreet screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitchwill burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the copspicked me up.
Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?
Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.
Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?
Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!
Allison McGrath: Yeah. That’s nice. I bet you’ve got a goodone, though?
Marty: I liked his story! [ continues laughing ]
Allison McGrath: [ turning ] Uh.. Danny, you’ve been quiet. Howabout you?
Danny: You look like Becky when you smile.
Allison McGrath: Uh.. really?
Danny: Will you go out with me?
Allison McGrath: Well.. I have a boyfriend.
Danny: He’ll never love you as much as I love you. He’llnever love you as much as I love you!
Allison McGrath: [ really nervous ] Okay, that’s all the time wehave for “Stalk Talk”
Brian: You know.. I think about you when I masturbate. I’ll bet that..that disgusts you, doesn’t it?
Allison McGrath: [ quickly ] Good night!
Brian: Typical.
Announcer: “Stalk Talk” has been brought to you by Night Vision, thefirst name in infra-red surveillance.
