Stalk Talk


Stalk Talk

Allison McGrath…..Julia Sweeney
Brian…..Christopher Walken
Danny…..Rob Schneider
Marty…..Adam Sandler
Ellen…..Jan Hooks

[ Music Open: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police ]

Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to “Stalk Talk”. I’m your host,Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and womenwho seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers andconsequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let’s say helloto our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with hisgirlfriend..

Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.

Allison McGrath: Oh. And what’s the girl’s name?

Brian: “Bitch.”

Allison McGrath: Okay. Let’s move to our second stalker, Marty.

Marty: Hello. I’m Marty.

Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up withyou in the fifth grade.

Marty: She didn’t break up with me! We decided to see otherpeople.

Allison McGrath: And, yet, you’re still upset with her, aren’t you,Marty?

Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn’t.. Yes.

Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you’re a stalker, too?

Danny: Uh, yes. I’ve been stalking a certain someone for the pastfour-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.

Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ]’re here now, soI guess you’re not stalking her all the time!

Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.

Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. Afemale stalker. Say hello to Ellen.

Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff forjust a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls asyou want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you toHell!

Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did yourrelationship end?

Brian: With “Bitch”?

Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..

Brian: Say it!

Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with”Bitch”?

Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phoneagain, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together.Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get “Bitch” to fallin love with him.

Allison McGrath: Magic powers?

Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she lovesme, but she’s under the influence of this agent of the Devil.

Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girlbroke up with you?

Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?

Allison McGrath: Um.. no.

Marty: We’re not broken up.. I mean, we’re just taking a little timeto sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]

Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you’re in love withDavid Hasselhoff, of TV’s “Knight Rider”..

Ellen: Yes, I love him. He’s on “Baywatch” now, okay?

Marty: He’s good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives hima dirty look ]

Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. Whendid you guys go out?

Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren’t a real “going-out”kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food andwatch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]

Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff’s wife thinkof that?

Ellen: [ angry ] I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that!

Allison McGrath: I’m sorry, but have you ever even actually metDavid Hasselhoff?

Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] “No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I’ve watched him manytimes.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!

Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?

Ellen: No.

Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need thesemodern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking issimplicity in itself. It’s a person.. and the person he’s hunting.

Allison McGrath: [ feigning interest ] Interesting.

Brian: But.. that’s me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledgesMarty ] ..I’ll bet he’s got the best goggles money can buy.

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang ona tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?

Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!

Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!

Brian: You see? They’re like that, young stalkers. They’re kids.It’s a generation thing, I guess.

Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story.Let’s start with Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 seasonof “Knight Rider”.. David had just started to grow his hair too long, youknow? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hidunder his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! Heknew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left melying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!

Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]

Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]

Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?

Brian: Well.. “Bitch” had gone over to the tennis instructor’s houseafter work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75yards behind her at all times.. “Bitch” had been there about two hours,during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kindof bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstratessome wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What’s so funny?!

Marty: [ laughing ] It’s just that I’ve done that!

Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I’m making these bird noises.. all of asudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess hewas looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that’s interrupting hisdemon seance with “Bitch”. So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in thestreet screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitchwill burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the copspicked me up.

Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?

Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.

Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?

Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!

Allison McGrath: Yeah. That’s nice. I bet you’ve got a goodone, though?

Marty: I liked his story! [ continues laughing ]

Allison McGrath: [ turning ] Uh.. Danny, you’ve been quiet. Howabout you?

Danny: You look like Becky when you smile.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. really?

Danny: Will you go out with me?

Allison McGrath: Well.. I have a boyfriend.

Danny: He’ll never love you as much as I love you. He’llnever love you as much as I love you!

Allison McGrath: [ really nervous ] Okay, that’s all the time wehave for “Stalk Talk”

Brian: You know.. I think about you when I masturbate. I’ll bet that..that disgusts you, doesn’t it?

Allison McGrath: [ quickly ] Good night!

Brian: Typical.

Announcer: “Stalk Talk” has been brought to you by Night Vision, thefirst name in infra-red surveillance.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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