Ross Perot Press Conference
Press Secretary…..Julia Sweeney
Reporter #1…..Rob Schneider
Reporter #2…..Kevin Nealon
Reporter #3…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #4…..Adam Sandler
Reporter #5…..Tim Meadows
[ open on a press conference for Ross Perot ]
Press Secretary: Please, please. Now, we’ll get to that later, okay? Now, Mr. Perot’s half-hour program airs tonight on ABC and CBS. It’s entitled “Ross: You Bet Your Hat We Can Win.” Now, are there any questions? Mike?
Reporter #1: Yes. Uh.. Mr. Perot still hasn’t answered a lot of questions about the Republican Party’s so-called “dirty tricks”.
Press Secretary: Mike, I think we want to put that whole subject behind us.
Reporter #1: I mean, what was the deal with the “alleged” picture of the daughter?
Press Secretary: Mike, as I said, we want –
Reporter #1: How was this picture “allegedly” altered, and how was it supposed to embarrass him?[ Ross Perots enters angrily ]
Ross Perot: Now, hold on there! Hold on one Texas minute! Now, hold on! Hold on! You people don’t quit, now do you? Now, is this the way we’re gonna play the game here? Are you guys gonna keep asking me these asinine questions until you see some dirty pictures? Is that what you want, huh? Is that what you require? Alright. Now, let’s have it your way. Now, imagine, if you will, that you were a father. Now, imagine the nausea you would feel seeing a picture of your daughter, on the eve of her wedding, your own flesh and blood, altered in this sick fashion! Take a look now! [ holds up enlarged photo of his daughter kissing Madonna ] There it is! Now, are you happy? There it is. This is a picture generated by the Republican dirty tricks team, using a computer paid for with tax money! Now, now.. this is a perfectly good picture of my daughter, and they’ve cut her fiance out, and put Madonna in there to make her look like a lesbian! And, as far as I’m concerned, it is just sick! So, are ya happy now? Any more questions? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #2: Yes. How do we know that this picture came from a Republican dirty tricks team, and not from your own organization?
Ross Perot: Now, didn’t I just tell you where the picture came from? Huh?! Have you seen the picture? Have I just started talking Portuguese up here and not know it? Are we at the same press conference? you haven’t heard one word I’ve said! Have you? [ sees hand raised ] Yes?
Reporter #3: Um.. how did you gain possession of this picture?
Ross Perot: It was delivered to me by a person whose opinion I respect outside of politics! That’s all I can say! Now, can we move on to some real issues, or are you gonna play footsies while the country goes to hell? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #4: How did this person know it came from the Republicans?
Ross Perot: I have told you over and over time and again! Now, I do not have to prove myself to anybody! The picture is there for anybody to see! It’s as plain as white cotton panties! Now, you want to talk about this? Is that what you want to do? You want to play a game here? You want to play footsies? Alright, I thought we’d have a press conference, talk about the issues, but fine, let’s get into this! Now.. listen very carefully. Two years ago – and I have not revealed this until now, for reasons I will not go into – two years ago, in the middle of the night at my home in Dallas, I was awakened by a disturbance outside on my lawn. So I went outside and engaged in hand-to-hand contact with four men and a small dog. Now, I took the four men out, and was about to tie up the dog, when it looked up at me and said, “Aren’t you Ross Perot?” Well, I nearly dropped a load. That dog spoke perfect English. Now, listen very carefully. Who is the world leader in talking dogs? Well, you don’t have to be a Washington insider to know it is the Republican Party – I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #1: Who told you that the Republican Party is involved in trying to teach dogs to talk?
Ross Perot: Well, now we’re just playing games here, huh? [ laughs ] Just playing footsies! Now, as long as we’re at it, I’m just gonna put it all out there. Lay all the cards on the table. ‘Cause let me tell you something – I didn’t get to this point by being smart or good-looking. You understand? Now, just the other day, I got a phone call from a woman – won’t say her name, but she is astrologer to the stars – now, you don’t get to that point without having the goods! Now, if you don’t hear another word I am saying, please listen to this: one whole year ago, she predicted the break-up of Harry Hamlin and Nicolette Sheridan. I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #5: Are you saying the position of the planets is having some effect on this election?
Ross Perot: I am not saying anything of the kind! Now, do you want to put words in my mouth, or can I finish my story? Alright, this woman – astrologer to the stars – had a premonition. She told me that the Republican Party was planning to drug me and my family, yank all dental work, and replace them with transmitters inside our fillings!
Reporter #4: Are you saying you have transmitters in your teeth?
Ross Perot: You’re not listening to a word I’m saying! I talked to the psychic, beefed up my security, so these events never occurred! Now, go off and write your funny stories saying I’m a kook or a nut – I’ve got a country to save! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #1: Uh.. aren’t you going to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?
Ross Perot: I don’t want to discuss what I may or may not say! You are not listening!
Reporter #1: Um.. but how are we gonna start the show, if you don’t say it?
Ross Perot: Is that the way the game is played? You can’t start the show without saying that? You can’t just say, “Here’s a funny show, enjoy!” you can’t do that? Okay, okay, fine! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”