Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 6
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Berman…..Julia Sweeney
Mr. Vanemy…..Kevin Nealon
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Second Man…..David Spade
Woman…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Third Man…..Ian Maxtone-Graham
[ open on exterior, high-rise apartment building ]
[ dissolve to interior, elevator. Frank the elevator operator stands confidently along the wall, next to his jittery trainee. Mr. Claymore stands in the foreground. ]
Frank: They say it’s gonna stay this cold all week.
Mr. Claymore: Well, we had a nice summer, Frank.
Frank: We sure did, Mr. Claymore! Alright. [ the elevator stops, and the door opens ] Have a nice day!
Mr. Claymore: Okay, Frank! [ exits the elevator ]
Eddie: [ nervously ] Bye.
[ Mrs. Berman steps into the elevator ]
Mrs. Berman: Hi, Frank!
Frank: Hey, Mrs. Berman. [ turns to his trainee ] Okay, Eddie.
Eddie: [ to Mrs. Berman, nervously ] Uh.. what floor?
Mrs. Berman: Twelve.
[ Eddie turns to face the bank of elevator floor buttons ]
Frank: This is Eddie. He’s a trainee. From the night shift.
Mrs. Berman: Hi!
Frank: Okay, Eddie. She said “Twelve,” so push the “12” button — right there! [ taps the “12” button ]
Eddie: Alright. [ gives the “12” button a hard stab with his thumb ]
Frank: Alright. There you go. You don’t have to kill it! [ the door closes ] Alright. That’s some weather, huh, Mrs. Berman?
Mrs. Berman: It sure is cold, Frank.
Frank: Yeah. Winter came a little early, huh? Right, Eddie?
Eddie: [ interrupted from his daze ] Huh? I don’t know, uh.. I haven’t been outside in a while. [ shrugs his shoulders ]
Frank: Eddie is a trainee, Mrs. Berman. I’m sorry.
Mrs. Berman: That’s alright. [ the door opens ] See you later. [ she exits ]
Eddie: Okay. [ he steps out of the elevator as well ]
Frank: She’s getting out here, Eddie. Not you.
Eddie: Oh. [ re-enters the elevator ]
Frank: Okay, we’re gonna go back down, now. [ presses the “Lobby” button ]
Frank: Alright. You’re doing good. You’re learning. Yuo got time.
Frank: Alright. Look — the weather’s a big topic. If you want to be good, you’ve gotta start learning about it.
Frank: The newspaper is a good tool. There’s a whole section in it about the weather. The elevator man’s best friend.
Eddie: Wow.. I’ll have to get a newspaper.
[ they hit the Lobby, and the door opens ]
Frank: Hey, here comes Mr. Vanemy. Now, remember — it’s cold. So you got, “Hey — I hope you bring a sweater.” And, “Cold enough for you?”
Eddie: [ nods his head ] Okay.
Frank: Alright. Okay, here he comes. 23. [ presses the “23” button as Mr. Vanemy enters ] Hey, Mr. Vanemy! Say hello to Eddie! Trainee.
Mr. Vanemy: Hi, Eddie.
[ the door closes, the elevator begins its ascent. Eddie nervously stares down Mr. Vanemy, struggling to make conversation. ]
Eddie: Cold enough? [ Mr. Vanemy frowns, confused ] For you?
Mr. Vanemy: [ chuckles ] Yeah! First day on the job? [ Eddie nods nervously ] How do you like the new building?
Eddie: [ struggles to get his words out ] Hope you got a sweater!
Mr. Vanemy: [ looks at Eddie, wonders if he’s speaking with a mental defect ] Uh-huh.
[ extended silence, as Eddie nervously smiles and stares at Mr. Venemy, until, finally: ]
Eddie: Okay! Have a nice day, then!
[ the elevator is still ascending. Frank does his best to cover for Eddie’s miscalculation. ]
Frank: So. Okay. Well, almost there. Aaaaand.. here we are! [ the elevator finally stops, as Mr. Vanemy quickly makes his exit ] See you, Mr. Vanemy. [ the door closes, he presses the “Lobby” button then turns to Eddie ] Okay, you see what happened? You said “Have a nice day” way too early!
Eddie: Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah —
Frank: I mean, we have thirteen floors to go, and you’ve already shot your wad. And I had to bail you out. Remember: I won’t always be here.
Eddie: I know.. I know..
Frank: Alright. Also, a couple of fumbles about the weather. You’re not a robot — you can come up with your own stuff.
Eddie: Right. Okay. Okay.
Frank: Here we go. Here we go. [ the elevator stops at the Lobby, and the door opens ] Hey! Hey, Janeane, how you doing?
[ Janeane enters ]
[ Eddie promptly stares at Janeane and smiles ]
Eddie: Cold enough for you, right?
[ Janeane politely smiles at Eddie, confused by his awkward presence ]
Frank: This is Eddie. Trainee.
[ Eddie continues to stare at her. He tries again: ]
Eddie: It’s cold outside, right?
Janeane: [ smiles awkwardly ] Mmm-hmm. It’s pretty chilly.
Eddie: So it’s, you know, like, 41, 42 degrees, something like that?
Janeane: I think, maybe, it’s colder than that! [ laughs ]
Eddie: I mean, like, can you see your breath?
Janeane: Uh — I-I don’t remember.
Eddie: So, it’s.. probably.. in the thirties..?
[ the door finally opens, as she makes her way out of the elevator ]
Frank: See you, Janeane!
Frank: [ as the door closes, and he presses the “Lobby” button ] Okay, Eddie. Now you’re scaring the people.
Frank: See, what — see, what happened is: now they think there’s a homeless person on the elevator.
Frank: That’s not good. See — these questions are too much. You gotta keep it light, you know? Plus, you keep looking at ’em. Which is also homeless-y.
Frank: Okay, you don’t look at ’em. You talk to them,and then you look up at the numbers. [ points to the numbers ]
Frank: Like this. [ looks up at the numbers, then begins snapping his fingers and clapping his hands together ] This is also good. It’s a soothing move — people like it.
[ Eddie does his awkward interpretation of the soothing move ]
Frank: It’s your first day. Don’t worry. Okay. Yuo got a lot of time. [ the door opens ] Alrighty. I’m gonna let you fly solo on this one.
[ Eddie grabs for Frank’s jacket sleeve, but Frank frees himself from Eddie’s grip and exits the elevator ]
Eddie: Okay. [ a black man enters the elevator ] What floor?
Black Man: 14.
Eddie: Okay. [ stares awkwardly at the floor buttons ]
[ a second man enters the elevator ]
Second Man: Hi. 23.
Eddie: [ looks up from the floor buttons, Frank didn’t say anything about multiple passengers ] Huh? What?
Second Man: Hi. 23.
[ a woman also enters the elevator. Eddie looks at her in disbelief, then struggles to catch his breath as he leans against the floor button panel ]
Eddie: Okay — okay — okay, look, uh — I’m not going to be able to talk about the weather today, okay?
[ incredibly, a third man enters the elevator, as Eddie gasps ]
Third Man: 16, please?
[ Frank re-enters the elevator, motions to his passengers, then calmy presses all their respective floor buttons ]
[ the door closes ]
[ dissolve to Lobby shot of elevator, pull back and fade ]