SNL Transcripts: Michael Keaton: 11/14/92: Elevator Trainee


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Elevator Trainee

Frank…..Rob Schneider
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Eddie…..Michael Keaton
Mrs. Berman…..Julia Sweeney
Mr. Vanemy…..Kevin Nealon
Janeane…..Melanie Hutsell
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Second Man…..David Spade
Woman…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Third Man…..Ian Maxtone-Graham

[ open on exterior, high-rise apartment building ] [ dissolve to interior, elevator. Frank the elevator operator stands confidently along the wall, next to his jittery trainee. Mr. Claymore stands in the foreground. ]

Frank: They say it’s gonna stay this cold all week.

Mr. Claymore: Well, we had a nice summer, Frank.

Frank: We sure did, Mr. Claymore! Alright. [ the elevator stops, and the door opens ] Have a nice day!

Mr. Claymore: Okay, Frank! [ exits the elevator ]

Eddie: [ nervously ] Bye.

[ Mrs. Berman steps into the elevator ]

Mrs. Berman: Hi, Frank!

Frank: Hey, Mrs. Berman. [ turns to his trainee ] Okay, Eddie.

Eddie: [ to Mrs. Berman, nervously ] Uh.. what floor?

Mrs. Berman: Twelve.

[ Eddie turns to face the bank of elevator floor buttons ]

Frank: This is Eddie. He’s a trainee. From the night shift.

Mrs. Berman: Hi!

Frank: Okay, Eddie. She said “Twelve,” so push the “12” button — right there! [ taps the “12” button ]

Eddie: Alright. [ gives the “12” button a hard stab with his thumb ]

Frank: Alright. There you go. You don’t have to kill it! [ the door closes ] Alright. That’s some weather, huh, Mrs. Berman?

Mrs. Berman: It sure is cold, Frank.

Frank: Yeah. Winter came a little early, huh? Right, Eddie?

Eddie: [ interrupted from his daze ] Huh? I don’t know, uh.. I haven’t been outside in a while. [ shrugs his shoulders ]

Frank: Eddie is a trainee, Mrs. Berman. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Berman: That’s alright. [ the door opens ] See you later. [ she exits ]

Eddie: Okay. [ he steps out of the elevator as well ]

Frank: She’s getting out here, Eddie. Not you.

Eddie: Oh. [ re-enters the elevator ]

Frank: Okay, we’re gonna go back down, now. [ presses the “Lobby” button ]

Eddie: Alright.

Frank: Alright. You’re doing good. You’re learning. Yuo got time.

Eddie: Thanks.

Frank: Alright. Look — the weather’s a big topic. If you want to be good, you’ve gotta start learning about it.

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: The newspaper is a good tool. There’s a whole section in it about the weather. The elevator man’s best friend.

Eddie: Wow.. I’ll have to get a newspaper.

[ they hit the Lobby, and the door opens ]

Frank: Hey, here comes Mr. Vanemy. Now, remember — it’s cold. So you got, “Hey — I hope you bring a sweater.” And, “Cold enough for you?”

Eddie: [ nods his head ] Okay.

Frank: Alright. Okay, here he comes. 23. [ presses the “23” button as Mr. Vanemy enters ] Hey, Mr. Vanemy! Say hello to Eddie! Trainee.

Mr. Vanemy: Hi, Eddie.

[ the door closes, the elevator begins its ascent. Eddie nervously stares down Mr. Vanemy, struggling to make conversation. ]

Eddie: Cold enough? [ Mr. Vanemy frowns, confused ] For you?

Mr. Vanemy: [ chuckles ] Yeah! First day on the job? [ Eddie nods nervously ] How do you like the new building?

Eddie: [ struggles to get his words out ] Hope you got a sweater!

Mr. Vanemy: [ looks at Eddie, wonders if he’s speaking with a mental defect ] Uh-huh.

[ extended silence, as Eddie nervously smiles and stares at Mr. Venemy, until, finally: ]

Eddie: Okay! Have a nice day, then!

[ the elevator is still ascending. Frank does his best to cover for Eddie’s miscalculation. ]

Frank: So. Okay. Well, almost there. Aaaaand.. here we are! [ the elevator finally stops, as Mr. Vanemy quickly makes his exit ] See you, Mr. Vanemy. [ the door closes, he presses the “Lobby” button then turns to Eddie ] Okay, you see what happened? You said “Have a nice day” way too early!

Eddie: Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah —

Frank: I mean, we have thirteen floors to go, and you’ve already shot your wad. And I had to bail you out. Remember: I won’t always be here.

Eddie: I know.. I know..

Frank: Alright. Also, a couple of fumbles about the weather. You’re not a robot — you can come up with your own stuff.

Eddie: Right. Okay. Okay.

Frank: Here we go. Here we go. [ the elevator stops at the Lobby, and the door opens ] Hey! Hey, Janeane, how you doing?

[ Janeane enters ] [ Eddie promptly stares at Janeane and smiles ]

Eddie: Cold enough for you, right?

[ Janeane politely smiles at Eddie, confused by his awkward presence ]

Frank: This is Eddie. Trainee.

Janeane: Hi.

[ Eddie continues to stare at her. He tries again: ]

Eddie: It’s cold outside, right?

Janeane: [ smiles awkwardly ] Mmm-hmm. It’s pretty chilly.

Eddie: So it’s, you know, like, 41, 42 degrees, something like that?

Janeane: I think, maybe, it’s colder than that! [ laughs ]

Eddie: I mean, like, can you see your breath?

Janeane: Uh — I-I don’t remember.

Eddie: So, it’s.. probably.. in the thirties..?

Janeane: Yeah.

[ the door finally opens, as she makes her way out of the elevator ]

Frank: See you, Janeane!

Janeane: Bye.

Frank: [ as the door closes, and he presses the “Lobby” button ] Okay, Eddie. Now you’re scaring the people.

Eddie: Uh-huh.

Frank: See, what — see, what happened is: now they think there’s a homeless person on the elevator.

Eddie: Yeah.

Frank: That’s not good. See — these questions are too much. You gotta keep it light, you know? Plus, you keep looking at ’em. Which is also homeless-y.

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: Okay, you don’t look at ’em. You talk to them,and then you look up at the numbers. [ points to the numbers ]

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: Like this. [ looks up at the numbers, then begins snapping his fingers and clapping his hands together ] This is also good. It’s a soothing move — people like it.

[ Eddie does his awkward interpretation of the soothing move ]

Frank: It’s your first day. Don’t worry. Okay. Yuo got a lot of time. [ the door opens ] Alrighty. I’m gonna let you fly solo on this one.

[ Eddie grabs for Frank’s jacket sleeve, but Frank frees himself from Eddie’s grip and exits the elevator ]

Eddie: Okay. [ a black man enters the elevator ] What floor?

Black Man: 14.

Eddie: Okay. [ stares awkwardly at the floor buttons ] [ a second man enters the elevator ]

Second Man: Hi. 23.

Eddie: [ looks up from the floor buttons, Frank didn’t say anything about multiple passengers ] Huh? What?

Second Man: Hi. 23.

[ a woman also enters the elevator. Eddie looks at her in disbelief, then struggles to catch his breath as he leans against the floor button panel ]

Eddie: Okay — okay — okay, look, uh — I’m not going to be able to talk about the weather today, okay?

[ incredibly, a third man enters the elevator, as Eddie gasps ]

Third Man: 16, please?

[ Frank re-enters the elevator, motions to his passengers, then calmy presses all their respective floor buttons ] [ the door closes ] [ dissolve to Lobby shot of elevator, pull back and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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