SNL Transcripts: Michael Keaton: 11/14/92: Michael Keaton’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Michael Keaton’s Monologue

…..Michael Keaton
Male Audience Member…..Tom Davis
Audience McGee…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Michael Keaton!

Michael Keaton: [ taking in all the applause, stretches out his arms and bugs his eyes ] Well, well, well! Thank you, thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! It’s really a thrill to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” and it really feels great. Uh, I’m actually, right now, at a very great time in my life — I’m very happy, and my career is going well, and, uh — you know — I’m sure you know this, but when you do a lot of movies you get away from this kind of thing. I don’t know if any of you know this, but I actually got my start as a stand-up comic, and doing comedy on a show like “Saturday Night Live.” But.. it’s been about ten years since I’ve performed live, like this, and I-I gotta tell you — it feels great to be right here, in front of a LIVE New York City audience. Really! [ audience cheers ] Really! [ glances wearily into the audience ] You know, because I thought I’d be nervous, but you guys have really made me feel very comfortable. Uh — [ suddenly interrupted as he again glances wearily into the audience ]

Voice of Random Audience Member: You’re doing great!!

Michael Keaton: [ smiles ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! Anyway, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience again ] Getting to the show tonight was kind of an adventure, and I, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience once more, and throws up his arms ] You know, hold on a minute. If you gyus will wait, there’s a little something bothering me. [ steps into the audience to address a gentleman sitting in the front row ] Uh, I’m sorry. Can I ask you a question? Is smething wrong?

Male Audience Member: [ confused ] Pardon?

Michael Keaton: Well, I mean, you know — it’s just, when I was up there talking about how great it is to perform tonight, I couldn’t help seeing — because you’re in the front row — that you weren’t applauding. You, uh, you-you just didn’t seem into it.

Male Audience Member: No. W-what you said w-was fine. I’m just not a big applauder. [ smiles ]

Michael Keaton: [ shrugs it off ] Oh! Okay. Alright. Okay. [ returns to Home Base ] Okay. So — [ pauses, then runs back to the gentleman in the audience ] See, the thing is, though — you know, when you’re home, you don’t have to applaud. But — well — actually, maybe you’d be a lot more comfortable there. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you’d be amazed at how quickly I can make that happen.

[ the woman seated next to the man laughs at him ]

Male Audience Member: Well.. it’s just that I was up all night standing in line for tickets, so I, uh — [ shrugs his shoulders ] frankly, I’m a little tuckered out!

Michael Keaton: Oh. So you’re a little “tuckered out”? [ folds his arms ] Well, you know — you probably got a nice big bed at home! You know what I mean? Maybe you should just go on home and watch it there! You know what I’m saying? You’d be more comfortable. [ looks offscreen ] Security! Get him outta here! [ two security men enter and drag the man away ] Really. Bring in somebody who’s gonna enjoy himself. See ya’. Take a — take a break, baby. [ returns to Home Base ] Sorry. I know that’s uncomfortable, but I think I had to do that. I think everybody agrees that was the best thing to do.

[ Audience McGee rises from his seat ]

Audience McGee: NO!! He was here to enjoy the SHOW, just like the REST of us!!

Michael Keaton: Yeah, yeah, I know. But the problem is, a guy like that can throw off an entire audience. You know what I mean?

Audience McGee: Listen to yourself, Michael Keaton!! You can throw people out all you WANT!! But the REAL problem is inside of YOU-OU!! Not out here in the audience!!

Michael Keaton: Yeah. But I mean ,the g-guy was asking for it! Just sitting there —

Audience McGee: Michael!! You’ll NEVER be happy, until you leanr to let out the HA-ATE!! And make room for the LO-OVE!!

Michael Keaton: [ thinks about it ] You know something? He’s right. He is. And I’m sorry. He’s right — that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I apologize, I was a jerk. [ a beat ] Bring that guy back in here.

Audience McGee: [ jumps and applauds ] BRAVO!! Bravo, Michael Keaton!! BRAVO!!

[ the first man is returned to his seat in the front row ]

Michael Keaton: When you’re wrong, you’re wrong. So, now — [ points in the direction of Audience McGee ] get this bonehead out of here, so we can get started, alright? BEAT IT, baby!!

[ the two security men now remove Audience McGee from the studio ]

Michael Keaton: Anyway — we’ve got a great show. Morrissey is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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