Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 6
Michael Keaton’s Monologue
Male Audience Member…..Tom Davis
Audience McGee…..Adam Sandler
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Michael Keaton!
Michael Keaton: [ taking in all the applause, stretches out his arms and bugs his eyes ] Well, well, well! Thank you, thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! It’s really a thrill to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” and it really feels great. Uh, I’m actually, right now, at a very great time in my life — I’m very happy, and my career is going well, and, uh — you know — I’m sure you know this, but when you do a lot of movies you get away from this kind of thing. I don’t know if any of you know this, but I actually got my start as a stand-up comic, and doing comedy on a show like “Saturday Night Live.” But.. it’s been about ten years since I’ve performed live, like this, and I-I gotta tell you — it feels great to be right here, in front of a LIVE New York City audience. Really! [ audience cheers ] Really! [ glances wearily into the audience ] You know, because I thought I’d be nervous, but you guys have really made me feel very comfortable. Uh — [ suddenly interrupted as he again glances wearily into the audience ]
Voice of Random Audience Member: You’re doing great!!
Michael Keaton: [ smiles ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! Anyway, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience again ] Getting to the show tonight was kind of an adventure, and I, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience once more, and throws up his arms ] You know, hold on a minute. If you gyus will wait, there’s a little something bothering me. [ steps into the audience to address a gentleman sitting in the front row ] Uh, I’m sorry. Can I ask you a question? Is smething wrong?
Male Audience Member: [ confused ] Pardon?
Michael Keaton: Well, I mean, you know — it’s just, when I was up there talking about how great it is to perform tonight, I couldn’t help seeing — because you’re in the front row — that you weren’t applauding. You, uh, you-you just didn’t seem into it.
Male Audience Member: No. W-what you said w-was fine. I’m just not a big applauder. [ smiles ]
Michael Keaton: [ shrugs it off ] Oh! Okay. Alright. Okay. [ returns to Home Base ] Okay. So — [ pauses, then runs back to the gentleman in the audience ] See, the thing is, though — you know, when you’re home, you don’t have to applaud. But — well — actually, maybe you’d be a lot more comfortable there. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you’d be amazed at how quickly I can make that happen.
[ the woman seated next to the man laughs at him ]
Male Audience Member: Well.. it’s just that I was up all night standing in line for tickets, so I, uh — [ shrugs his shoulders ] frankly, I’m a little tuckered out!
Michael Keaton: Oh. So you’re a little “tuckered out”? [ folds his arms ] Well, you know — you probably got a nice big bed at home! You know what I mean? Maybe you should just go on home and watch it there! You know what I’m saying? You’d be more comfortable. [ looks offscreen ] Security! Get him outta here! [ two security men enter and drag the man away ] Really. Bring in somebody who’s gonna enjoy himself. See ya’. Take a — take a break, baby. [ returns to Home Base ] Sorry. I know that’s uncomfortable, but I think I had to do that. I think everybody agrees that was the best thing to do.
[ Audience McGee rises from his seat ]
Audience McGee: NO!! He was here to enjoy the SHOW, just like the REST of us!!
Michael Keaton: Yeah, yeah, I know. But the problem is, a guy like that can throw off an entire audience. You know what I mean?
Audience McGee: Listen to yourself, Michael Keaton!! You can throw people out all you WANT!! But the REAL problem is inside of YOU-OU!! Not out here in the audience!!
Michael Keaton: Yeah. But I mean ,the g-guy was asking for it! Just sitting there —
Audience McGee: Michael!! You’ll NEVER be happy, until you leanr to let out the HA-ATE!! And make room for the LO-OVE!!
Michael Keaton: [ thinks about it ] You know something? He’s right. He is. And I’m sorry. He’s right — that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I apologize, I was a jerk. [ a beat ] Bring that guy back in here.
Audience McGee: [ jumps and applauds ] BRAVO!! Bravo, Michael Keaton!! BRAVO!!
[ the first man is returned to his seat in the front row ]
Michael Keaton: When you’re wrong, you’re wrong. So, now — [ points in the direction of Audience McGee ] get this bonehead out of here, so we can get started, alright? BEAT IT, baby!!
[ the two security men now remove Audience McGee from the studio ]
Michael Keaton: Anyway — we’ve got a great show. Morrissey is here, and we’ll be right back!